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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.

Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!

But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.

You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.
[/quote]

I am trying NOT to be the martyr. It’s been a slow creep. She can’t find things because of cognitive decline and won’t throw away daily newspapers and magazines without prompting. If siblings never visit they can’t help decluttering. There is mail that is interspersed with the clutter.

My question is the best strategy to step back? All at once or gradually. I prefer not to lose extended family ties and worry family members will get really upset as I back off. Has anyone who has been in the thick of things figured out the best way to back way?[/quote]

How much money do people have?

Is your mom still in charge of her own affairs?

Is it possible to move her to a different ALF, or to memory care or skilled nursing?

[b]Could she qualify for hospice?
[/b]
If there’s extra money, you and your siblings should hire a care manager to oversee your mom’s care and use paid services to take her to appointments and bring her things. If there was some hope of her leaving you an estate, give up on that hope. All of her resources have to go into paying for care.

Or, move her to a better ALF or other facility that provides more services in-house or a lot more of the transportation to outside services.

Or, give up on getting her services not required by some kind of filial obligation law and basic humanity. Fill painkiller prescriptions, but stop getting her any non-emergency care that’s not somehow required by law. Or, if your mom is still competent, she can pay for the care and arrange for the transportation, but make it clear [b]If possible, put her in hospice.[/b] [/quote]

NP here
What OP is describing doesn't necessarily meet my understand of what hospice is.

What part of hospice do you think would help OP's mother?[/quote]

First, the part where a hospice nurse visits and keeps tabs a bit on the facility.

Second, when my father entered hospice. out-of-facility care went away. [/quote]

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