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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

[b]I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? [/b]Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.

PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

[/quote]

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided. [/quote]

Not a troll. People who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand how taxing it is to be the point person. I don’t want to be the one who has the POA or health POA. I don’t want to find a care manager because then did potentially the next 10 years I am in charge of dealing with that person.

My neighbor gave me the best advice that I am going to follow. Be too busy to help out. Then it’s like a game of chicken. My mother is in an assisted living place but eventually will need a higher level of care. I am not going to be the one to figure out where she should go. I needed a plan to slow fade and the neighbors suggestion of going back to work full time is the answer I was looking for. [/quote]

+1.  I don’t think OP is a troll, having watched my mother get stuck as point person in this kind of scenario for many years.  It is absolutely a game of chicken where whomever cares least wins, and the absent siblings in her case were utterly cynical about shirking any responsibility.  And yes, “just set boundaries” is the correct answer,      but that is far easier said than done in many cases. [b]You have to be pretty cold to say “I’m not helping on this issue” when you’re a 10 minute drive away[/b] and no one else is anywhere close.  There are no good answers in this situation.  [/quote]

I do this. My kids are more important to me than my parent. Granted, they weren’t the best. I’m not taking from my kids to give to said parent. It’s uncomfortable, but it is what it is. [/quote]

Me too. After years of my own health deteriorating and building resentment a health issue forced me to see the light and now my health, my husband and kids come before her. She tantrummed a lot, but whatever. She also had a lot of people quit.

Back in the day my outsourced so she could do all sorts of leisure activities. I was left with 8 year olds, strangers, locked in hot cars while she ran an errand but ran into a friend and chatted for an hour. I am outsourcing so I can work, be a parent, spouse and not die before my mother. The care mom gets from people driving her places, etc is far better than what I got as a kid because at least these people are screened.

I have to laugh though. my own mother has re-written history when it comes to her (lack of) involvement with her own parents' needs. I had to touch base with my cousin because mom gaslit me so much. Cousin did in fact confirm that mom did very little and her sister and brother were livid. her excuses included fancy trips, it's too far, suddenly getting a bad cold, fear of flying (despite flying around the world for leisure), and other little gems.[/quote]

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