Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk.

I would reevaluate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be blunt, but can you relocate? Perhaps to the same area as one of the siblings, or just outside it (to the other side)?

They would likely be mad. You could remain calm and note that you were there at the home base a lot longer than anyone else, and circumstances have necessitated the move. Then just let what happens, happen.

+1

If I was the least favorite, and it was obvious, I would bail, OP.

When you favor one or more of your kids, they should inevitably be the caretaker - they reaped priceless benefits all their lives, while you are left with a therapy bill.

This!

I estranged myself from my parents at age 30, in part because I was at the time suicidal and couldn’t tolerate anymore of the verbal abuse and manipulation that I had endured my whole life - as well as many years of physical abuse and cruel bullying in early childhood. Meanwhile my elder brother was greatly favored, encouraged to bully me in childhood as well, given vastly more financial support through childhood and young adulthood, and made executor.

But when it came to somebody to call every single day with toxic rants and demands for attention and expectations of assistance with medical and other issues, that was on me. I could see the writing on the wall - my brother would drop in on holidays and birthdays and mom and pop days and I would be bearing the burdens and wiping their asses until they expired, likely after a long period of even more toxic abuse as they descended into dementia. And he would likely inherit almost everything despite my labor. No thanks! I felt very strongly that he who wore the golden child crown should be the one who bore the burdens of their care.

And yes, I’ve been in therapy on and off for years, I have all the health issues associated with a high ACE score, and I’ll probably still be feeling like a worthless piece of garbage who never should have been born well into my 80s, if I make it that far. Thanks mom and dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be blunt, but can you relocate? Perhaps to the same area as one of the siblings, or just outside it (to the other side)?

They would likely be mad. You could remain calm and note that you were there at the home base a lot longer than anyone else, and circumstances have necessitated the move. Then just let what happens, happen.

+1

If I was the least favorite, and it was obvious, I would bail, OP.

When you favor one or more of your kids, they should inevitably be the caretaker - they reaped priceless benefits all their lives, while you are left with a therapy bill.

This!

I estranged myself from my parents at age 30, in part because I was at the time suicidal and couldn’t tolerate anymore of the verbal abuse and manipulation that I had endured my whole life - as well as many years of physical abuse and cruel bullying in early childhood. Meanwhile my elder brother was greatly favored, encouraged to bully me in childhood as well, given vastly more financial support through childhood and young adulthood, and made executor.

But when it came to somebody to call every single day with toxic rants and demands for attention and expectations of assistance with medical and other issues, that was on me. I could see the writing on the wall - my brother would drop in on holidays and birthdays and mom and pop days and I would be bearing the burdens and wiping their asses until they expired, likely after a long period of even more toxic abuse as they descended into dementia. And he would likely inherit almost everything despite my labor. No thanks! I felt very strongly that he who wore the golden child crown should be the one who bore the burdens of their care.

And yes, I’ve been in therapy on and off for years, I have all the health issues associated with a high ACE score, and I’ll probably still be feeling like a worthless piece of garbage who never should have been born well into my 80s, if I make it that far. Thanks mom and dad!

Yeah...no. At some point you need to own your life and take responsibility for your feelings. You were right to ditch your toxic family, but now you have to love yourself. It's sometimes very hard to love yourself. If you spend the rest of your life depressed and insecure, that's not your family's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be blunt, but can you relocate? Perhaps to the same area as one of the siblings, or just outside it (to the other side)?

They would likely be mad. You could remain calm and note that you were there at the home base a lot longer than anyone else, and circumstances have necessitated the move. Then just let what happens, happen.

+1

If I was the least favorite, and it was obvious, I would bail, OP.

When you favor one or more of your kids, they should inevitably be the caretaker - they reaped priceless benefits all their lives, while you are left with a therapy bill.

This!

I estranged myself from my parents at age 30, in part because I was at the time suicidal and couldn’t tolerate anymore of the verbal abuse and manipulation that I had endured my whole life - as well as many years of physical abuse and cruel bullying in early childhood. Meanwhile my elder brother was greatly favored, encouraged to bully me in childhood as well, given vastly more financial support through childhood and young adulthood, and made executor.

But when it came to somebody to call every single day with toxic rants and demands for attention and expectations of assistance with medical and other issues, that was on me. I could see the writing on the wall - my brother would drop in on holidays and birthdays and mom and pop days and I would be bearing the burdens and wiping their asses until they expired, likely after a long period of even more toxic abuse as they descended into dementia. And he would likely inherit almost everything despite my labor. No thanks! I felt very strongly that he who wore the golden child crown should be the one who bore the burdens of their care.

And yes, I’ve been in therapy on and off for years, I have all the health issues associated with a high ACE score, and I’ll probably still be feeling like a worthless piece of garbage who never should have been born well into my 80s, if I make it that far. Thanks mom and dad!

Yeah...no. At some point you need to own your life and take responsibility for your feelings. You were right to ditch your toxic family, but now you have to love yourself. It's sometimes very hard to love yourself. If you spend the rest of your life depressed and insecure, that's not your family's fault.

Thank you for sharing with us your total ignorance about how childhood trauma works, how it damages the brain and how no, it’s not possible to wipe it away and step cheerfully into the future. Only idiots think it is.

[Anonymous]

You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.

Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!

But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.

You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.

Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!

But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.

You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.

I'm not the OP, but I think you're out of line, PP. What qualifies you to comment on this matter? Were you ever in this exact position? One of the things you would know if you were is that when it comes to doctors and retirement community/AL staff, they are busy and prefer to deal with one relative--the closest, most involved one. They're not going to call a relative who lives hours away to report on or discuss issues that are best dealt with in person. And trust me, the older the elderly parent gets, the more issues that will crop up. The OP will get stuck with most of the tasks by virtue of proximity, even though many things can get done online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.

Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!

But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.

You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.

I am trying NOT to be the martyr. It’s been a slow creep. She can’t find things because of cognitive decline and won’t throw away daily newspapers and magazines without prompting. If siblings never visit they can’t help decluttering. There is mail that is interspersed with the clutter.

My question is the best strategy to step back? All at once or gradually. I prefer not to lose extended family ties and worry family members will get really upset as I back off. Has anyone who has been in the thick of things figured out the best way to back way?

[Anonymous]

And I forgot to add I no longer want to take her to the numerous doctor, dentist, optometrist, hearing aide visits, lab visits etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be blunt, but can you relocate? Perhaps to the same area as one of the siblings, or just outside it (to the other side)?

They would likely be mad. You could remain calm and note that you were there at the home base a lot longer than anyone else, and circumstances have necessitated the move. Then just let what happens, happen.

+1

If I was the least favorite, and it was obvious, I would bail, OP.

When you favor one or more of your kids, they should inevitably be the caretaker - they reaped priceless benefits all their lives, while you are left with a therapy bill.

This!

I estranged myself from my parents at age 30, in part because I was at the time suicidal and couldn’t tolerate anymore of the verbal abuse and manipulation that I had endured my whole life - as well as many years of physical abuse and cruel bullying in early childhood. Meanwhile my elder brother was greatly favored, encouraged to bully me in childhood as well, given vastly more financial support through childhood and young adulthood, and made executor.

But when it came to somebody to call every single day with toxic rants and demands for attention and expectations of assistance with medical and other issues, that was on me. I could see the writing on the wall - my brother would drop in on holidays and birthdays and mom and pop days and I would be bearing the burdens and wiping their asses until they expired, likely after a long period of even more toxic abuse as they descended into dementia. And he would likely inherit almost everything despite my labor. No thanks! I felt very strongly that he who wore the golden child crown should be the one who bore the burdens of their care.

And yes, I’ve been in therapy on and off for years, I have all the health issues associated with a high ACE score, and I’ll probably still be feeling like a worthless piece of garbage who never should have been born well into my 80s, if I make it that far. Thanks mom and dad!

Yeah...no. At some point you need to own your life and take responsibility for your feelings. You were right to ditch your toxic family, but now you have to love yourself. It's sometimes very hard to love yourself. If you spend the rest of your life depressed and insecure, that's not your family's fault.

Thank you for sharing with us your total ignorance about how childhood trauma works, how it damages the brain and how no, it’s not possible to wipe it away and step cheerfully into the future. Only idiots think it is.

Then add reading comprehension to your failures. I apologize for being harsh, but apparently you need a wake-up call, and my point stands. You are an adult and responsible for your own happiness. I say this as someone who had to cut off my mother. I worked on myself to be happy. It's not easy. But I would never, ever, complain that any issues I have today are all my parents' fault. That's just not true and not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.

Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!

But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.

You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.

I am trying NOT to be the martyr. It’s been a slow creep. She can’t find things because of cognitive decline and won’t throw away daily newspapers and magazines without prompting. If siblings never visit they can’t help decluttering. There is mail that is interspersed with the clutter.

My question is the best strategy to step back? All at once or gradually. I prefer not to lose extended family ties and worry family members will get really upset as I back off. Has anyone who has been in the thick of things figured out the best way to back way?

Sigh.

1. Conference call.
"Larla and Larlo, I just cannot manage Mom's care on my own. It's too much. I need to step back and care for my own family. Here is a list of things she needs this week. It will only get worse as the weeks progress. Since you can't do any of it, she (or you, or we, if you have the money) will need to hire an aide or send her to a more comprehensive institution. You need to figure this out, because starting on Sept 1 (or another date) I will not be available."

2. You are boxing yourself in with the fear that your siblings won't react well. What matters more to you: doing less for your mother, or fighting with your siblings? Because you can't have both. Something needs to give, OP! Stop being a little mouse. Assert yourself, for God's sake. You haven't earned their respect, maybe because you've always been compliant. You do realize you've got the most leverage you will EVER have, right now? USE it.

[Anonymous]

How did you end up being the only nearby child?

My spouse’s sibling moved back to their home city when their kids were elementary age. The grandparents loved having the grandkids nearby and did lots of caretaking for the kids. The kids also got to spend a lot of time with their grandparents and formed closer bonds than my kids could since we lived a full day’s plane ride away.

That sibling ended up doing a lot of the jobs you’ve described here and resented my spouse for not doing more. But, we didn’t have the time or money to be flying cross country on a frequent basis, so we could only do so much. And, to be fair, the sibling had received a lot of benefits for many years from being close by before the parents became more extra work rather than extra help for them.

[Anonymous]

If they are ageeeable, you should roughly divide up the tasks snd each person can choose to either do it or pay for it to be done. (And like others have mentioned, consider whether you have gotten benefits from being in town as well. Not that your sibs get out of their responsibilities now, but if you have it might help the inequality that’s gone before sit easier.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.

Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!

But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.

You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.

I am trying NOT to be the martyr. It’s been a slow creep. She can’t find things because of cognitive decline and won’t throw away daily newspapers and magazines without prompting. If siblings never visit they can’t help decluttering. There is mail that is interspersed with the clutter.

My question is the best strategy to step back? All at once or gradually. I prefer not to lose extended family ties and worry family members will get really upset as I back off. Has anyone who has been in the thick of things figured out the best way to back way?

How much money do people have?

Is your mom still in charge of her own affairs?

Is it possible to move her to a different ALF, or to memory care or skilled nursing?

Could she qualify for hospice?

If there’s extra money, you and your siblings should hire a care manager to oversee your mom’s care and use paid services to take her to appointments and bring her things. If there was some hope of her leaving you an estate, give up on that hope. All of her resources have to go into paying for care.

Or, move her to a better ALF or other facility that provides more services in-house or a lot more of the transportation to outside services.

Or, give up on getting her services not required by some kind of filial obligation law and basic humanity. Fill painkiller prescriptions, but stop getting her any non-emergency care that’s not somehow required by law. Or, if your mom is still competent, she can pay for the care and arrange for the transportation, but make it clear If possible, put her in hospice.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar boat. I always felt like least favorite. I am doing the bulk of the work now and it irks me every time I asked to do something that benefits my sibling.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is in your position. Very verbally abusive childhood, but the nearest child. The golden child lives a 4 hour flight away. My DH and SIL were aghast when he moved away as his parents were declining. But they raised him to think only of himself so it makes sense that he still is doing that.
Every decision about the parents is filled with drama as the far away sibling is in denial about the capabilities of the parents.