Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not gotten any benefits. My siblings had their children at younger ages so our mother was able to babysit their kids, take them on trips to Disney, etc. My kids have no memory of their grandmother being all there physically or mentally.

I have asked siblings to set up POA, start paying bills etc. I called one doctor and asked that they send the bill to one sibling and they told me they tried to do that but when they called the sibling said they didn't want it. They are too busy.

So the person who said with a sigh (special place in hell for you) just make a conference call, wave my magic wand and get it set up clearly doesn't understand dealing with an elderly difficult parent with out of town siblings who are in denial. There isn't a lot of money. Hiring someone to do things takes a person to be in charge to hire the person. I don't want to do it and my siblings just delay because they are in denial. Moving to a different facility requires visiting them, convincing her to move, hiring movers, etc. I don't want to do that either as it would suck up so much time and mental effort.

I need strategies of someone who has been through this who has worked their way out of being so involved. My mother could pass away next year or ten years from now.

So at this point this has nothing to do with the fact that you are physically closer. Your siblings have dropped the rope; you need to do so as well.

[Anonymous]

In addition to billing and other logistics, your siblings can and should take on the responsibility of regular phone calls with your mother. Since you're seeing her in person, you don't need to do that.

[Anonymous]

I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

OP has already said she doesn't want to do the hiring: "

Hiring someone to do things takes a person to be in charge to hire the person. I don't want to do it."

[Anonymous]

Come on. If you hate doing the work but you do the work, hiring someone is well worth the effort cost.

And if your parents have money, you can set up trusts to pay you fairly for your work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk.

They don't need to visit. They need to manage bills and legal affairs from a distance. You need to stop answering calls. And no whining, just statements: "I can't visit that often, because caregiving is burning me out". Repeat as needed.

I agree. They don't need to visit. Figure out which tasks can be done remote and see if you can hire someone to do some of the local tasks.

+1. Be aggressive about telling doctors, "Call this number and talk to Larla."

Tell your bother, "I am mailing you the bills that needs to be paid. Take control of the accounts." Who is the POA?

Tell your mother "I have an appointment, here is the number to a taxi company."

If you can't move and can't move your mother, then you have to draw you boundary and stick to it. Nothing more or less.

Also, don't let others shame you over wanting the burden to be equal even though your mother did not raise you equally. They are just going through each thread and insulting the OPs. This is called "having a backbone" and "not letting people who disrespected you your whole life walk all over you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk.

They don't need to visit. They need to manage bills and legal affairs from a distance. You need to stop answering calls. And no whining, just statements: "I can't visit that often, because caregiving is burning me out". Repeat as needed.

I agree. They don't need to visit. Figure out which tasks can be done remote and see if you can hire someone to do some of the local tasks.

+1. Be aggressive about telling doctors, "Call this number and talk to Larla."

Tell your bother, "I am mailing you the bills that needs to be paid. Take control of the accounts." Who is the POA?

Tell your mother "I have an appointment, here is the number to a taxi company."

If you can't move and can't move your mother, then you have to draw you boundary and stick to it. Nothing more or less.

Also, don't let others shame you over wanting the burden to be equal even though your mother did not raise you equally. They are just going through each thread and insulting the OPs. This is called "having a backbone" and "not letting people who disrespected you your whole life walk all over you."

No one wants POA. I asked a sibling and he said he maybe would look into it. My mother is no longer able to call a taxi. And isn’t able to go to doctor appts alone. She has a diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment but at this point it is probably mild dementia. I don’t want to take off even more time to take her to a neurologist.

I spoke with a neighbor yesterday evening and she said the best thing to do was to become unavailable as much as possible. I work part time 60% but a co worker is about to go out in maternity leave. I spoke to my boss about going full-time during the maternity leave, and my proposal was readily accepted and I worked out childcare for the two extra days.

The reason I reduced my schedule was to spend more time with my kids but I am having to do too much for my mother on those days off. I would rather be at work and get paid. So now I am telling my extended family I desperately need the money so am working more. Then will add I won’t be available and am just not going to do anything. I just called and cancelled 4 medical appointments my mother had for the next month. When I drop back down to part time after then ternura leave I am not telling my extended family.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others suggesting that this really is a “you” problem. Expecting your brothers and sisters to spend their vacation time taking care of your mother is unrealistic. And, even if they did it, it would just put a dent in your responsibilities. What good is having your brother or sister in town for a week or two going to do in the grand scheme of things?

You simply have to decide that you are going to do less yourself. You cannot decide that your brothers and sisters are going to do more. The only thing you can even consider doing when it comes to them is to hit them up for more money to help pay others to assist your mother. But beyond money, there’s nothing you can do, and if they say no to money, there’s also nothing you can do. This is all up to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your siblings won't help, you need to set your own limits and determine what you will outsource.

It's not that hard to hire a care manager or a visiting nurse who can both stop in to do checks and take your mom to appointments, plus write up an after-action report. If you're in the DMV, there are a ton of options and I can give you a recommendation for a visiting nurse service.

As far as bills, you're going to have to go in and set up automatic billing and electronic statements in an account you have access to. Yes, this is a lot of work up front but it is more set it and forget it, so don't complain that you're the only one who will do it and then keep on martyring yourself by not implementing a system that works for you.

We did this for my mom, who has mild cognitive decline but also (in hindsight) pretty severe ADHD, as she's been crap at dealing with paperwork and bills my entire life. We now have all her statements sent electronically to a gmail address ([e-mail]) that's solely for statements, as her regular email is worthless given how much junk mail she gets. All her bills are set up for autopay. It was a metric ton of work but it had to be done so that we weren't constantly having to go over there and dig out her accumulated paper pile to sort into junk and bills and then take care of them.

You need to have POAs stat before your mom goes too far downhill to sign them. Including durable health care POAs/healthcare proxies. You will be in a world of hurt if you don't. These are not hard -- you can find the right forms online for your state. It's simply a question of printing them out and filling them out. Among other things, you need to get your mom to agree to no extreme measures/do not rescusitate, or the trauma could get much, much, much worse if something happens like a heart attack or stroke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk.

They don't need to visit. They need to manage bills and legal affairs from a distance. You need to stop answering calls. And no whining, just statements: "I can't visit that often, because caregiving is burning me out". Repeat as needed.

I agree. They don't need to visit. Figure out which tasks can be done remote and see if you can hire someone to do some of the local tasks.

+1. Be aggressive about telling doctors, "Call this number and talk to Larla."

Tell your bother, "I am mailing you the bills that needs to be paid. Take control of the accounts." Who is the POA?

Tell your mother "I have an appointment, here is the number to a taxi company."

If you can't move and can't move your mother, then you have to draw you boundary and stick to it. Nothing more or less.

Also, don't let others shame you over wanting the burden to be equal even though your mother did not raise you equally. They are just going through each thread and insulting the OPs. This is called "having a backbone" and "not letting people who disrespected you your whole life walk all over you."

No one wants POA. I asked a sibling and he said he maybe would look into it. My mother is no longer able to call a taxi. And isn’t able to go to doctor appts alone. She has a diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment but at this point it is probably mild dementia. I don’t want to take off even more time to take her to a neurologist.

I spoke with a neighbor yesterday evening and she said the best thing to do was to become unavailable as much as possible. I work part time 60% but a co worker is about to go out in maternity leave. I spoke to my boss about going full-time during the maternity leave, and my proposal was readily accepted and I worked out childcare for the two extra days.

The reason I reduced my schedule was to spend more time with my kids but I am having to do too much for my mother on those days off. I would rather be at work and get paid. So now I am telling my extended family I desperately need the money so am working more. Then will add I won’t be available and am just not going to do anything. I just called and cancelled 4 medical appointments my mother had for the next month. When I drop back down to part time after then ternura leave I am not telling my extended family.

OP, this is the way. You need to fill your time so that you are just as busy as your siblings. If they push back "well, I have to work" you say "as do I". You have to make yourself just as unavailable as they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

This is the best advice. Also, The assisted living places make it easy to add more services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk.

They don't need to visit. They need to manage bills and legal affairs from a distance. You need to stop answering calls. And no whining, just statements: "I can't visit that often, because caregiving is burning me out". Repeat as needed.

I agree. They don't need to visit. Figure out which tasks can be done remote and see if you can hire someone to do some of the local tasks.

+1. Be aggressive about telling doctors, "Call this number and talk to Larla."

Tell your bother, "I am mailing you the bills that needs to be paid. Take control of the accounts." Who is the POA?

Tell your mother "I have an appointment, here is the number to a taxi company."

If you can't move and can't move your mother, then you have to draw you boundary and stick to it. Nothing more or less.

Also, don't let others shame you over wanting the burden to be equal even though your mother did not raise you equally. They are just going through each thread and insulting the OPs. This is called "having a backbone" and "not letting people who disrespected you your whole life walk all over you."

NP here
If brother doesn't have POA he CAN'T "just take control of the accounts."

[Anonymous]

Serious question: what happens to the mother if OP stops helping out and out-of-town siblings can’t/won’t fill in? Especially since mom has a cognitive impairment which will get worse?

[Anonymous]

Caring for someone with progressing dementia is no easy task. I'm lucky that my parent who has it has my sister who quit her job to take care of them. I help her and them financially.

1. Tell your siblings that you can no longer manage it. The dementia is getting to the point that she needs supervision that you cannot manage. Don't apologize for it. Put your mom in a care facility
2. Tell one of the siblings to take care of the bills
3. Tell the other one to manage doctors appointments
4. Tell them that you will manage visitations

IMO, that is fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk.

They don't need to visit. They need to manage bills and legal affairs from a distance. You need to stop answering calls. And no whining, just statements: "I can't visit that often, because caregiving is burning me out". Repeat as needed.

I agree. They don't need to visit. Figure out which tasks can be done remote and see if you can hire someone to do some of the local tasks.

+1. Be aggressive about telling doctors, "Call this number and talk to Larla."

Tell your bother, "I am mailing you the bills that needs to be paid. Take control of the accounts." Who is the POA?

Tell your mother "I have an appointment, here is the number to a taxi company."

If you can't move and can't move your mother, then you have to draw you boundary and stick to it. Nothing more or less.

Also, don't let others shame you over wanting the burden to be equal even though your mother did not raise you equally. They are just going through each thread and insulting the OPs. This is called "having a backbone" and "not letting people who disrespected you your whole life walk all over you."

Have you had a lot of luck in your life instructing others in how to do things?