Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caring for someone with progressing dementia is no easy task. I'm lucky that my parent who has it has my sister who quit her job to take care of them. I help her and them financially.

1. Tell your siblings that you can no longer manage it. The dementia is getting to the point that she needs supervision that you cannot manage. Don't apologize for it. Put your mom in a care facility
2. Tell one of the siblings to take care of the bills
3. Tell the other one to manage doctors appointments
4. Tell them that you will manage visitations

IMO, that is fair.

And when they say "no," what happens?

[Anonymous]

I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

[Anonymous]

Hi, op.

First, what state is your mother in? Some states have standard POA online. Some do not. If you tell me your state I ca do a google search, or you could look as well.

Second, people who are presenting solutions like this is an easy problem to solve are likely either the absent sibling or have tons of money to throw at the situation.

My parents and both physically disabled and have dementia. We are caring for them at home by hiring round the clock care. It costs a ton of money. More than hardly anyone can afford. I am super grateful they have the funds to pay for this. However, even with all this money, it is still really hard and takes up a decent amount of my time. So my heart goes out to you, trying to figure out how to care for them with limited resources.

People are living longer, with more disabilities, while extended families are scattered across the country and we are in a labor shortage. Elder care in this country is a sh*t show right now and anyone who doesn’t understand that doesn’t know what they are talking about. Absent siblings like to minimize the amount of work their siblings are doing. It makes them feel less guilty.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to use some of their vacation time to come and deal with your mother. And anything that they can do long distance, they need to handle. So for things that are not time sensitive, keep a list and every month or so you guys should meet on zoom and go over what needs to be done and who’s doing what. You should also keep a list of all the things that you do, so when they push back about spending any of their vacation time, you can make it clear to them that a lot of your own free time is going towards caring for someone who is a shared parent and therefore shared responsibility.

My siblings are able to use sick leave to come care for our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided.

Not a troll. People who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand how taxing it is to be the point person. I don’t want to be the one who has the POA or health POA. I don’t want to find a care manager because then did potentially the next 10 years I am in charge of dealing with that person.

My neighbor gave me the best advice that I am going to follow. Be too busy to help out. Then it’s like a game of chicken. My mother is in an assisted living place but eventually will need a higher level of care. I am not going to be the one to figure out where she should go. I needed a plan to slow fade and the neighbors suggestion of going back to work full time is the answer I was looking for.

[Anonymous]

I was the least favorite and moved 8 hours drive away. Parents fell in love with the town and now live in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Caring for someone with progressing dementia is no easy task. I'm lucky that my parent who has it has my sister who quit her job to take care of them. I help her and them financially.

1. Tell your siblings that you can no longer manage it. The dementia is getting to the point that she needs supervision that you cannot manage. Don't apologize for it. Put your mom in a care facility
2. Tell one of the siblings to take care of the bills
3. Tell the other one to manage doctors appointments
4. Tell them that you will manage visitations

IMO, that is fair.

And when they say "no," what happens?

Exactly. It seems like a lot of people don't understand that the siblings have 0 obligation to do what the OP says. They don't "have to" do anything to take care of their parents. OP doesn't have to either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the least favorite and moved 8 hours drive away. Parents fell in love with the town and now live in it.

Ugh! So sorry to hear that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I forgot to add I no longer want to take her to the numerous doctor, dentist, optometrist, hearing aide visits, lab visits etc.

"I can't make that appointment. Sorry."

Re: your siblings - sorry, but every other year is not really acceptable here. Unless they are in extreme financial straits they both should be doing twice a year visits and scheduling routine doctor visits during their time there. As far as what to tell them? I'd tell them you have caregiver burnout and simply can't do it all on your own. That you love them and want your mother to be cared for, but you have to step back for your own health. Do you work? There's another reason, if so.

[Anonymous]

I am the sibling far away and I do the most to care for my mom. My sibling who lives close to my mom visits less than I do and same with his kids. He was the favored one and my mom makes constant excuses for his so. Bc he and his wife got divorced when his son was 2. The son is almost 30. Crazy annoying.

The point is that you can live far away and do the bill paying, send packages via Amazon for things the parent needs etc. tell your siblings you can only be on tap for emergencies. They can do the rest. You will visit once a month but that is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided.

Not a troll. People who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand how taxing it is to be the point person. I don’t want to be the one who has the POA or health POA. I don’t want to find a care manager because then did potentially the next 10 years I am in charge of dealing with that person.

My neighbor gave me the best advice that I am going to follow. Be too busy to help out. Then it’s like a game of chicken. My mother is in an assisted living place but eventually will need a higher level of care. I am not going to be the one to figure out where she should go. I needed a plan to slow fade and the neighbors suggestion of going back to work full time is the answer I was looking for.

We actually DO understand what it is to be point person, and most people do it without way less whining. This is why we're losing patience with you! If you had explained right from the start what, exactly, your siblings were declining to do, this thread would have been a lot shorter. We'd have told you to adopt harsher measures immediately. But you seem to be afraid of them. You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, OP. You need to state what you're willing to do, for how long, until your mother is sent packing to a home that will take care of everything. If they get upset... WHAT IS IT TO YOU?

[Anonymous]

Can you move your mom to an assisted living close to one of your siblings? I’m sure your siblings would be trying to veto that. You should ask them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others suggesting that this really is a “you” problem. Expecting your brothers and sisters to spend their vacation time taking care of your mother is unrealistic. And, even if they did it, it would just put a dent in your responsibilities. What good is having your brother or sister in town for a week or two going to do in the grand scheme of things?

You simply have to decide that you are going to do less yourself. You cannot decide that your brothers and sisters are going to do more. The only thing you can even consider doing when it comes to them is to hit them up for more money to help pay others to assist your mother. But beyond money, there’s nothing you can do, and if they say no to money, there’s also nothing you can do. This is all up to you.

Says the sibling who never helps out. Pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided.

Not a troll. People who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand how taxing it is to be the point person. I don’t want to be the one who has the POA or health POA. I don’t want to find a care manager because then did potentially the next 10 years I am in charge of dealing with that person.

My neighbor gave me the best advice that I am going to follow. Be too busy to help out. Then it’s like a game of chicken. My mother is in an assisted living place but eventually will need a higher level of care. I am not going to be the one to figure out where she should go. I needed a plan to slow fade and the neighbors suggestion of going back to work full time is the answer I was looking for.

You set the major bills on autopay. Really, its not that big of a deal and you are making drama over it.