Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others suggesting that this really is a “you” problem. Expecting your brothers and sisters to spend their vacation time taking care of your mother is unrealistic. And, even if they did it, it would just put a dent in your responsibilities. What good is having your brother or sister in town for a week or two going to do in the grand scheme of things?

You simply have to decide that you are going to do less yourself. You cannot decide that your brothers and sisters are going to do more. The only thing you can even consider doing when it comes to them is to hit them up for more money to help pay others to assist your mother. But beyond money, there’s nothing you can do, and if they say no to money, there’s also nothing you can do. This is all up to you.

Says the sibling who never helps out. Pound sand.

DP
OP can also choose to never help out. She's making the choice to do it.

[Anonymous]

The key to getting your siblings to actually DO more is to have Mom pay for time, mileage, and expenses related to your mother’s care - just like 3rd party help would be paid. Provide siblings with an accurate accounting for every single expense if you have financial control of Mom’s accounts. They may grumble about their inheritance being spent, but so what? If they don’t like it, they can participate in her care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others suggesting that this really is a “you” problem. Expecting your brothers and sisters to spend their vacation time taking care of your mother is unrealistic. And, even if they did it, it would just put a dent in your responsibilities. What good is having your brother or sister in town for a week or two going to do in the grand scheme of things?

You simply have to decide that you are going to do less yourself. You cannot decide that your brothers and sisters are going to do more. The only thing you can even consider doing when it comes to them is to hit them up for more money to help pay others to assist your mother. But beyond money, there’s nothing you can do, and if they say no to money, there’s also nothing you can do. This is all up to you.

Says the sibling who never helps out. Pound sand.

Not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the thing: your brother and sister may suck, but they do live far away. And more frequent visits are really only going to put a dent in your situation. The bottom line is you got the short straw here and you’re stuck. There’s not much you can do about it.

Using their time for more frequent visits at least puts some skin in the game. This should be a shared responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others suggesting that this really is a “you” problem. Expecting your brothers and sisters to spend their vacation time taking care of your mother is unrealistic. And, even if they did it, it would just put a dent in your responsibilities. What good is having your brother or sister in town for a week or two going to do in the grand scheme of things?

You simply have to decide that you are going to do less yourself. You cannot decide that your brothers and sisters are going to do more. The only thing you can even consider doing when it comes to them is to hit them up for more money to help pay others to assist your mother. But beyond money, there’s nothing you can do, and if they say no to money, there’s also nothing you can do. This is all up to you.

Says the sibling who never helps out. Pound sand.

DP
OP can also choose to never help out. She's making the choice to do it.

Of course it is a choice. She is doing it because it is the right thing to do. Her siblings are losers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others suggesting that this really is a “you” problem. Expecting your brothers and sisters to spend their vacation time taking care of your mother is unrealistic. And, even if they did it, it would just put a dent in your responsibilities. What good is having your brother or sister in town for a week or two going to do in the grand scheme of things?

You simply have to decide that you are going to do less yourself. You cannot decide that your brothers and sisters are going to do more. The only thing you can even consider doing when it comes to them is to hit them up for more money to help pay others to assist your mother. But beyond money, there’s nothing you can do, and if they say no to money, there’s also nothing you can do. This is all up to you.

Says the sibling who never helps out. Pound sand.

Not true.

Really?? How do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk.

They don't need to visit. They need to manage bills and legal affairs from a distance. You need to stop answering calls. And no whining, just statements: "I can't visit that often, because caregiving is burning me out". Repeat as needed.

I agree. They don't need to visit. Figure out which tasks can be done remote and see if you can hire someone to do some of the local tasks.

+1. Be aggressive about telling doctors, "Call this number and talk to Larla."

Tell your bother, "I am mailing you the bills that needs to be paid. Take control of the accounts." Who is the POA?

Tell your mother "I have an appointment, here is the number to a taxi company."

If you can't move and can't move your mother, then you have to draw you boundary and stick to it. Nothing more or less.

Also, don't let others shame you over wanting the burden to be equal even though your mother did not raise you equally. They are just going through each thread and insulting the OPs. This is called "having a backbone" and "not letting people who disrespected you your whole life walk all over you."

Have you had a lot of luck in your life instructing others in how to do things?

The unspoken part is that after you directly communicate with the siblings, OP then drops the rope. When questions or issues come up, she shows them the text or email where they specifically refused to do something. Nothing else. It's not to actually get the siblings to DO something - I think we all know that won't happen. It's to make things so crystal clear that OP doesn't feel guilty later.

I think taking the full time hours will help OP justify dropping the rope, so that's good. She shouldn't have to justify it, but if this is what she needs then good.

And once the rope is dropped, I agree that her mom needs to go to a facility with more care that can handle these things. And OP, no whining and saying "I don't want to find one. I don't want to move her, I don't want to hire someone, etc." If you are doing everything you say you are, then this is small potatoes and it has the added result of removing responsibility. If you whine about these tasks that actually improve your situation, then it makes everything else you've said seem questionable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk.

I would reevaluate that.

That's nuts! You don't move a family where both parents are employed, just to get away from elder care.

[Anonymous]

I well know what it's like to be the point person, and OP, you're making this far too complicated. The fact you've taken on more work in order to claim you're too busy to help with your mom strikes me as absurd. Rather than be upfront with your family and risk being seen as "a jerk," you've returned to more hours at work, despite having initially limited your time in order to be there for more for your kids. It's confounding.

My DH and I, both boomers, take care of 3 elderly parents. Two are in assisted living facilities, and 1 is still at home but in need of a lot of care. There are both involved & kind siblings and also uninvolved & hostile siblings. All you can do is the best you're able to do, and then you need to take the fine advice of PPs and explain you've come to the end of what you're willing to contribute.

Great suggestions here - autopay, separate email for bill pay, paid caregivers, etc. Take them.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't think you're whining I think you're at your breaking point. After having done everything for so long with the resentment and demands getting worse over time you've finally thrown up your hands and given up completely. I've been there. You're dealing with a lot right now. Resentment over childhood, over what other siblings got, grief over your mom declining (who you must love or you wouldn't be doing any of this), anger over how your siblings have left you holding the bag, rage over why your mom didn't like you as much as your siblings, and probably a lot of stuff too.

I would tell her assisted living you are going on vacation for a month overseas and change all the numbers to the siblings. Send one last email to the siblings and say that if they won't be POA/AMD/executor then the courts will have to assign a conservator. Add on that mom's condition is changing and she needs memory care. You don't know what the cost is or where she should move to, but she can't stay where she is (and that's true -- if she starts wandering it will not be safe for her anymore). Then fade out with no guilt because you've done enough!

[Anonymous]

You need to think through and document all the needs and give assignments. And make it clear that you are no longer able to manage everything by yourself. A 95%/5% split is no longer possible, nor is it fair. Make it clear that you are asking for their help. You are demanding it.

[Anonymous]

"aren't asking for their help. you are demanding it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I don't think you're whining I think you're at your breaking point. After having done everything for so long with the resentment and demands getting worse over time you've finally thrown up your hands and given up completely. I've been there. You're dealing with a lot right now. Resentment over childhood, over what other siblings got, grief over your mom declining (who you must love or you wouldn't be doing any of this), anger over how your siblings have left you holding the bag, rage over why your mom didn't like you as much as your siblings, and probably a lot of stuff too.

I would tell her assisted living you are going on vacation for a month overseas and change all the numbers to the siblings. Send one last email to the siblings and say that if they won't be POA/AMD/executor then the courts will have to assign a conservator. Add on that mom's condition is changing and she needs memory care. You don't know what the cost is or where she should move to, but she can't stay where she is (and that's true -- if she starts wandering it will not be safe for her anymore). Then fade out with no guilt because you've done enough!

OP would actually need to go overseas for a month to make this happen if I understand OP responses here so far. Perhaps not a bad idea to schedule a month off and go somewhere remote when colleague comes back from mat leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your siblings won't help, you need to set your own limits and determine what you will outsource.

It's not that hard to hire a care manager or a visiting nurse who can both stop in to do checks and take your mom to appointments, plus write up an after-action report. If you're in the DMV, there are a ton of options and I can give you a recommendation for a visiting nurse service.

As far as bills, you're going to have to go in and set up automatic billing and electronic statements in an account you have access to. Yes, this is a lot of work up front but it is more set it and forget it, so don't complain that you're the only one who will do it and then keep on martyring yourself by not implementing a system that works for you.

We did this for my mom, who has mild cognitive decline but also (in hindsight) pretty severe ADHD, as she's been crap at dealing with paperwork and bills my entire life. We now have all her statements sent electronically to a gmail address ([e-mail]) that's solely for statements, as her regular email is worthless given how much junk mail she gets. All her bills are set up for autopay. It was a metric ton of work but it had to be done so that we weren't constantly having to go over there and dig out her accumulated paper pile to sort into junk and bills and then take care of them.

You need to have POAs stat before your mom goes too far downhill to sign them. Including durable health care POAs/healthcare proxies. You will be in a world of hurt if you don't. These are not hard -- you can find the right forms online for your state. It's simply a question of printing them out and filling them out. Among other things, you need to get your mom to agree to no extreme measures/do not rescusitate, or the trauma could get much, much, much worse if something happens like a heart attack or stroke.

JFC. OP said there isn’t much money. Are you paying for the care manager?