Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
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Anonymous
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I am really annoyed that I am the only sibling that lives in the same city as my mother who lives in assisted living. Both my other siblings live over 8 hours by far away. So by default I am the one that constantly is called by my mother who is in an assisted living place, by the assisted living place, by doctors, etc.
I was the least favorite child and it was apparent to all my family members. It wasn’t that I had such an awful upbringing just that I was never close to my mother. In contrast my younger sister was extremely close and my mother favored and adored her. My brother was also favored. I have been doing a lot of the grunt work while my siblings rarely visit- every other year. It feels like I am having to do more work every year with medical appointments, managing bills ((she has mild cognitive impairment that is progressing to dementia so I find unpaid bills in her apartment), etc. I want to opt out but how? Any ideas to pull away from this situation. I want to be the one visiting every other year. |
Anonymous
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Sorry to be blunt, but can you relocate? Perhaps to the same area as one of the siblings, or just outside it (to the other side)?
They would likely be mad. You could remain calm and note that you were there at the home base a lot longer than anyone else, and circumstances have necessitated the move. Then just let what happens, happen. |
Anonymous
| ^^I mean, everyone will have to pitch in. Not just leave your mother without resources, but lean heavily into the fact that she needs help, and you are all now dispersed. There needs to be a better plan that involves everyone. |
Anonymous
+1 If I was the least favorite, and it was obvious, I would bail, OP. When you favor one or more of your kids, they should inevitably be the caretaker - they reaped priceless benefits all their lives, while you are left with a therapy bill. |
Anonymous
| No I can’t relocate. I have a husband and three kids. Before my mother moved into the assisted living place she lived about 30 minutes away in traffic. Now it is 10 minutes away from me. It’s been 4 years and every year I grow more resentful. I have a good relationship with my brother and am friendly but not close to my sister. I have tried to explain the stress but they just say they are appreciative but are too busy to visit. As I pull back I am envisioning that the relationship with my siblings is going to suffer because I am going to end up looking like a jerk. |
Anonymous
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I was the least favorite and moved far away on purpose. I think you should ask yourself if you are staying close out of obligation, like maybe some part of you thought if you stuck nearby, your family status would shift. I would definitely seriously consider moving. Do not consign yourself to potentially decades of thankless work due to default.
In both my family and my DH's family, we have siblings who stuck close by our parents. However in both cases, these siblings have been doted on and received way more assistance as adults than we'd have even thought to ask for -- free childcare and housing provided for years, in some cases decades, graduate school paid for, free meals, etc. These siblings chose not to create independent lives from our parents. We do feel that they should take on the heavy lifting for long-term care as a result, but it has to do with not just their proximity but the degree to which they have relied upon our parents for most of their adult lives. |
Anonymous
| Interesting. I am the sibling who goes most of the work. My siblings are fairly MIA. My dad was nice to me. But my mom was not that nice and she was much nicer to my siblings and she let them not be nice to me when we were growing up. I don’t know how I will react if my dad dies and my mom is still alive. I suspect I will feel less obligated to visit so often. |
Anonymous
And you are petty, too. |
Anonymous
| Why can’t an away sibling manage all her bills. Everything can be automated these days. What other “grunt” work are you doing? Can it be outsourced and request that your siblings foot the bill. |
Anonymous
| What would happen to your mother if you did not live in the same city? That is what should happen now. Payment of bills can be turned over to your brother, your mother can hire additional help to drive her to medical appointments, etc. As her cognitive impairment progresses, she will likely need to move to a memory care facility. |
Anonymous
She's not being petty. I was 10 minutes from my widowed dad and took care of his major needs for a decade while raising a family because I was an only child. Unless you've been through it, you have not idea what a time suck it is, especially if you work, have a spouse, and have children. Besides handling all the doctor's appointment, meals, medication management, shopping, home repairs, etc., I also handled a condo purchase and sale, two moves, researching and doing paperwork for a retirement community, all communications with staff and daily check-ins at said community, more doctors appointments, hospice arrangements, funeral planning, and dealing with the estate after death. My SILs have done similar things for two parents that lived to 90 and beyond and a single aunt. It's a lot of work and you do it because it's the right thing to do, but it's stressful and can be overwhelming at times. I had no choice since I was an only child, but OP is absolutely right to ask for help from her siblings or pare down her role. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP.
1. Your siblings need to step up doing all that can be managed from a distance. 2. You can step back and not respond to EVERY call. 3. Familiarity breeds contempt. My husband has the same situation. The least favored brother is closest and my MIL criticizes him continuously. In that knowledge, my husband and his other brother handle the most they can remotely, and they've all agreed that that the inheritance will go mainly to the brother currently doing the grunt work, as compensation. 4. I'm an only and will have to deal with everything! So again, major pressure on your siblings to help, since you have some! |
Anonymous
+1. Split the duties. Doctors can call your siblings. Siblings can handle finances, etc. You handle the stuff that needs someone physically present, but that doesn’t need to include being her chauffeur. Visits may not happen but you can all share the elder care burden. |
Anonymous
They don't need to visit. They need to manage bills and legal affairs from a distance. You need to stop answering calls. And no whining, just statements: "I can't visit that often, because caregiving is burning me out". Repeat as needed. |
Anonymous
I agree. They don't need to visit. Figure out which tasks can be done remote and see if you can hire someone to do some of the local tasks. |