Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Whaaaaat??? The state will never force kids to pay for their parents elder care! Most of the country does not have adequate retirement funds. That's what Medicare and Medicaid are for. You really think there are armies of case workers and lawyers chasing down the children of seniors who ran out of money???

That link above states that basic needs must be met: food, home, medical, health, hygiene. All of these are covered by assisted living. In no way is putting a person in assisted living and then letting the facility do its job "abandonment."

You do know how much these places cost, right? Think over $10,000/month for fairly basic custodial care. Most people can’t afford that for very long, if at all. Medicaid only pays if someone is destitute and then only if a Medicaid funded bed is available.

That’s precisely the point. They have to spend all their assets. We can’t have people saving money to pass on while they are on welfare. But you have to let the system work, and that means your non-loaded family has to leave the person in a Medicaid bed, however crappy the facility is.

The real issue is the lack of a 100% inheritance tax on everyone and the existence of trusts for anyone other than those declared legally incompetent. Plus the fact that gifts are even permitted.