Blended Family questions

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc. Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff. It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy. I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome. I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.

Serious question, why did you marry him if you so disagree with his parenting and household management approach? I have never been able to understand why people do this to themselves.

NP. Once you reach a certain age, practically all men have kids. It’s either date a man with kids, or don’t date anybody.

Okay, but if you had to date a man with kids wouldn't you try to find one whose parenting you agree with?

Many women who marry men with kids don’t plan to have kids with them. Did you marry your college boyfriend or something? It’s hard to find someone you are compatible with after your twenties. If practically every man your age has kids, and you don’t want your own kids, and it’s really hard to find someone you like, whether or not a man makes his teens take his shoes off or put the dishes in the dishwasher is not necessarily the top priority.

No, I married a man who wants kids, because I wanted kids. And I did my best to make sure we were on the same page about how to parent. You can never know 100% if there aren't actual kids yet, but I really can't see myself looking at a man and thinking "Well, I really disagree with his parenting and also with the way he keeps his home generally, so I guess I'll move in. This will be great!" Because there ARE lots of men who don't have kids. And if they do have kids, and parenting and cleanliness is important to you, maybe trying to find a good match in that area should have been a priority. You did this to yourself.

Well good for you that you managed to find someone childless to marry while you were still young even to have your own biological kids! That didn’t happen to me. Not everyone is they lucky. And you clearly have never been in the forty and up dating market so you have no idea what you are talking about. You are so smug, I hope your husband cheats and divorces you and you get your snug come uppance.

What is wrong with you?

I’m responding to this obnoxious woman who is lucky enough to get married when she was young enough to have her own biological children. Who clearly has no clue what it’s like to be older and dating. She claims that many men don’t have kids. That’s really not true once you’re in your 40s. She’s an obnoxious smug married woman. She’s not even in a blended family. She has no clue. So yes, I kind of hope karma gets to her and she winds up divorced and having to deal with the over 40 dating market with kids. See how easy it is to find some man with no kids with him she’s perfectly compatible. Or a man who she’s perfectly compatible with who does have kids. She’s asinine.

Im not that poster but I responded earlier although I married a great never married guy when I was young. The reason is that I felt like responded is that I grew up in a blended family where step parents made me feel unwelcome and like having a normal teen around the house was a terrible burden. It was pretty messed up and changed my relationship with my parents for the rest of their lives. I think that’s an important perspective for op to consider.

As for you, wtf no one says you have to date or get married. It’s not like picking a housing situation-it’s not like some obligation and you’re being forced to make do with bad options. If you are in a situation where the only person you find to marry has kids you’re going to be an insufferable b1+ch to then don’t get married, ffs.

I’m not an insufferable b*$ch to them. I’m nice to them. Very nice. And they seem to like me ok. That’s part of my point. The mom can snap or gripe at the kids to clean up or set rules in place. The expectations of stepmoms are harder in many ways. I don’t have control of the house when the kids are here. They can blare their video games and there’s nothing I can do about it. They leave dishes lying around and I either have to wait for their dad to clean them or clean them myself. If I was their mom, I could tell them to put on headphones or tell them to turn the volume low. I could be like, hey, don’t leave your dishes lying around. you know you have to put them in the sink. That’s why it’s hard to have full custody . You kind of grin and bear it when the kids are there during the 50-50, then you relax when they aren’t there. That said, my husband‘s kids come over sometimes when we don’t have custody and I never say a word.

Well, I think it would be fine for a stepmother to ask them nicely to clean up, or to remind them of agreed-upon house rules. I think you are biting your tongue because you know your DH won't back you up, and you'll feel even weaker if you ask them and they ignore you. And I think you're blaming the children and claiming you have no rights because that's safer for you than to blame their father, his poor parenting, and your poor choices in getting yourself into this situation.

I’m not blaming the kids. I suspect if their dad set higher expectations for them, they would meet them, or at least met them some of the time, and then when they didn’t, I could nicely remind them. But you’re right, that is not our dynamic. The times I try to express opinions about having what are very normal expectations for teens - such as washing their own dishes or picking up messes - he says it is their house and he wants the to feel welcome. My expectations are standards I think most women/moms would try to set. Their not “unreasonable stepmom” expectations. It’s stuff like, wash your hands when you come in from outside during a pandemic. Rinse off your dishes and put them in the dishwasher after you use them. Take off your shoes if they are muddy and switch into cleaner ones or go barefoot inside. Stuff that the vast majority of moms would insist on, but their dad doesn’t want to. So I’m supposed to tell them to do stuff their dad doesn’t tell them to do? Mostly I just try to make sure he is doing most of the work to clean up their messes, which doesn’t always happen and sometimes I wind up doing the cleaning. And I’m not a neat freak fyi. So I clean the day they leave, enjoy a nice house for a week, then put up with the mess when they are here. If you are a stepparent who has no or little say in how a house is run when the kids are there, I can see how having a fluid ever changing custody schedule would be a little frustrating.

Again, why did you marry him if you so disagree with his parenting and household management?

[Anonymous]

I think fluid custody situations like these are often not good because it’s allowing the kids to choose. That can create a situation where kids choose to stay with the more relaxed parent who has less rules, and or can create a race to the bottom situation where parents worry that if they set rules or hold the kids to higher expectations of behavior, the kids will choose the other parent. It gives the kids too much power, in a way that’s not good for the kids. Better for the kids to know the parents are the ones deciding who lives where when, and just follow those rules.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone could benefit from a little more predictability.

I don't see why OP can't bring the schedule back especially when Dad lives so close. The kids can visit him or hang out at his place whenever they like.

2 weeks on, 2 weeks off would seem good. New DH should be able to have some time alone to look forward to. Yes, he should treat the kids like their his but realistically most step-parents don't. It's also unfair to him because when he came in there was more structure.

OP doesn't have to deal with his kid because they're older so she should make some sort of concession to DH. If not, then why date and marry prior to the kids moving out?

Because it's really, really hard to kick your own kids out of the house! If they really don't want to go to the other house, what is OP going to do about it? Bar the door? Pick them up and carry them out? Lock the door and leave them sitting there overnight? Come on.

And frankly, OP's DH sounds like a big part of the problem here. He washes just his own dish! He cleans up just his own mess, no more! Wow what a sterling model of family harmony. What an example he is setting for OP's boys of how to live harmoniously together. When they have children of their own, they will have him as a role model to look up to.

You be a parent and tell them the schedule and drop them off at Dad's house. There is no abuse, neglect or issues. It sounds like the kids can run free at mom's house, which is why its preferred.

It's not mom's house. It's their house. And you are proving the OPs point.

It is mom and stepdad's house except if they are paying the mortgage and bills. Same as dad's house.

How utterly naive. Enjoy your "my house my rules" relationship which completely misses the point.

Poor kids.

Your kids don't have rules and expectations in your house? Poor kids.

You know you made up the "no rules or expectations" part, is that what you do when you don't have anything real to contribute? This is about your contention that your children should behave as guests in your home. Have at it. Enjoy. Thats lousy parenting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc. Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff. It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy. I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome. I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.

Serious question, why did you marry him if you so disagree with his parenting and household management approach? I have never been able to understand why people do this to themselves.

NP. Once you reach a certain age, practically all men have kids. It’s either date a man with kids, or don’t date anybody.

Okay, but if you had to date a man with kids wouldn't you try to find one whose parenting you agree with?

Many women who marry men with kids don’t plan to have kids with them. Did you marry your college boyfriend or something? It’s hard to find someone you are compatible with after your twenties. If practically every man your age has kids, and you don’t want your own kids, and it’s really hard to find someone you like, whether or not a man makes his teens take his shoes off or put the dishes in the dishwasher is not necessarily the top priority.

No, I married a man who wants kids, because I wanted kids. And I did my best to make sure we were on the same page about how to parent. You can never know 100% if there aren't actual kids yet, but I really can't see myself looking at a man and thinking "Well, I really disagree with his parenting and also with the way he keeps his home generally, so I guess I'll move in. This will be great!" Because there ARE lots of men who don't have kids. And if they do have kids, and parenting and cleanliness is important to you, maybe trying to find a good match in that area should have been a priority. You did this to yourself.

Well good for you that you managed to find someone childless to marry while you were still young even to have your own biological kids! That didn’t happen to me. Not everyone is they lucky. And you clearly have never been in the forty and up dating market so you have no idea what you are talking about. You are so smug, I hope your husband cheats and divorces you and you get your snug come uppance.

What is wrong with you?

I’m responding to this obnoxious woman who is lucky enough to get married when she was young enough to have her own biological children. Who clearly has no clue what it’s like to be older and dating. She claims that many men don’t have kids. That’s really not true once you’re in your 40s. She’s an obnoxious smug married woman. She’s not even in a blended family. She has no clue. So yes, I kind of hope karma gets to her and she winds up divorced and having to deal with the over 40 dating market with kids. See how easy it is to find some man with no kids with him she’s perfectly compatible. Or a man who she’s perfectly compatible with who does have kids. She’s asinine.

Im not that poster but I responded earlier although I married a great never married guy when I was young. The reason is that I felt like responded is that I grew up in a blended family where step parents made me feel unwelcome and like having a normal teen around the house was a terrible burden. It was pretty messed up and changed my relationship with my parents for the rest of their lives. I think that’s an important perspective for op to consider.

As for you, wtf no one says you have to date or get married. It’s not like picking a housing situation-it’s not like some obligation and you’re being forced to make do with bad options. If you are in a situation where the only person you find to marry has kids you’re going to be an insufferable b1+ch to then don’t get married, ffs.

I’m not an insufferable b*$ch to them. I’m nice to them. Very nice. And they seem to like me ok. That’s part of my point. The mom can snap or gripe at the kids to clean up or set rules in place. The expectations of stepmoms are harder in many ways. I don’t have control of the house when the kids are here. They can blare their video games and there’s nothing I can do about it. They leave dishes lying around and I either have to wait for their dad to clean them or clean them myself. If I was their mom, I could tell them to put on headphones or tell them to turn the volume low. I could be like, hey, don’t leave your dishes lying around. you know you have to put them in the sink. That’s why it’s hard to have full custody . You kind of grin and bear it when the kids are there during the 50-50, then you relax when they aren’t there. That said, my husband‘s kids come over sometimes when we don’t have custody and I never say a word.

Well, I think it would be fine for a stepmother to ask them nicely to clean up, or to remind them of agreed-upon house rules. I think you are biting your tongue because you know your DH won't back you up, and you'll feel even weaker if you ask them and they ignore you. And I think you're blaming the children and claiming you have no rights because that's safer for you than to blame their father, his poor parenting, and your poor choices in getting yourself into this situation.

I’m not blaming the kids. I suspect if their dad set higher expectations for them, they would meet them, or at least met them some of the time, and then when they didn’t, I could nicely remind them. But you’re right, that is not our dynamic. The times I try to express opinions about having what are very normal expectations for teens - such as washing their own dishes or picking up messes - he says it is their house and he wants the to feel welcome. My expectations are standards I think most women/moms would try to set. Their not “unreasonable stepmom” expectations. It’s stuff like, wash your hands when you come in from outside during a pandemic. Rinse off your dishes and put them in the dishwasher after you use them. Take off your shoes if they are muddy and switch into cleaner ones or go barefoot inside. Stuff that the vast majority of moms would insist on, but their dad doesn’t want to. So I’m supposed to tell them to do stuff their dad doesn’t tell them to do? Mostly I just try to make sure he is doing most of the work to clean up their messes, which doesn’t always happen and sometimes I wind up doing the cleaning. And I’m not a neat freak fyi. So I clean the day they leave, enjoy a nice house for a week, then put up with the mess when they are here. If you are a stepparent who has no or little say in how a house is run when the kids are there, I can see how having a fluid ever changing custody schedule would be a little frustrating.

Move out. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: When the kids were younger we had a tighter schedule because yes, they needed the structure. But now they are fine going back and forth.

Also they are definitely able to stay home alone while my spouse and I go out for date night, run errands, etc. They also don’t need tons of attention at home as they are teenagers and mainly stay in their rooms all day anyway. Spouse just wants a completely silent and empty house.

I agree that spouses should be a priority, but also feel like I shouldn’t have to make my kids feel unwelcome in my home…

This is so sad to me. Your kids started in a home in which both adults prioritised the kids, and now they live with a mother prioritises her new husband, who does NOT want the kids around.

I’m sorry, but I think it was so selfish of you to remarry this man.

From my perspective kids always should be the priority. You brought them into this world. You are responsible for them. Your home should be a safe haven for them. You should minimize the impact of your divorce on them.
Obviously you can’t ignore your spouses needs and wants but your kids should come first.
If the mess is the main issue then maybe a family meeting to problem solve or throw money at the problem and hire a cleaner (if possible).
If time and space for intimacy is an issue trouble shout that.
Even with prioritizing your kids‘ it should be possible to meet your husband‘s. Your kids are old enough that they don‘t need 24-7 handholding so some balance should be possible.

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird that you'd listen to a man that says he loves you enough to marry you with kids - but only if he doesn't have to see them all the time.

I'd get into counseling - I mean really if I'm being honest, I'd probably go nuke and ask for a divorce. And for others saying "put your spouse first" - that's alarming as hell. It's one thing if he wants to address his needs not being met, or unhappiness with something in the relationship, but just to say - I don't want your kids around, well because of nothing but that they are around is awful. He wants "quiet time"? What does that even mean? He doesn't have to "do" anything for them admittedly and obviously knew that you had them. Custody decisions change all the time - what if the dad had to move out of state or something happened and you had to have custody full time? These are things that can happen when you marry someone with children.

I think he's an asshole and I wouldn't make the kids go home ever. They obviously feel comfortable there and all this "structured" business that people are talking about is nonsense. The best thing to do for kids in a divorce is to provide them environment(s) where they feel loved, wanted, and supported and what works for that family. The new husband not wanting them around simply because of their presence is a huge red flag and really is telling about he feels about the kids in general. If the mere presence of my kids being in my home bothers my partner - my partner would no longer be my partner.

I'd really rethink the marriage with kids and what that means to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think fluid custody situations like these are often not good because it’s allowing the kids to choose. That can create a situation where kids choose to stay with the more relaxed parent who has less rules, and or can create a race to the bottom situation where parents worry that if they set rules or hold the kids to higher expectations of behavior, the kids will choose the other parent. It gives the kids too much power, in a way that’s not good for the kids. Better for the kids to know the parents are the ones deciding who lives where when, and just follow those rules.

I agree with this in theory; however, in the real world, parents often just can't get a long and are parallel parenting rather than co-parenting. Anecdotally, I have one child from an earlier relationship where I have about 80% custody and his dad would love more time, but he's just not cut out to be anything other than a fun weekend dad. To give concrete examples, at his house there are no rules, no curfews, no homework, and school is optional. It is a very difficult balance between raising our child the way that I know will set him up for success later in life versus keeping him happy in my home (with my new husband and younger half siblings), and we make compromises in our home in favor of keeping him here, such as allowing him to play fornite on his xbox (hate that game), letting him stay up later than he sometimes should, keeping some of the same junk food that he gets at his dad's house around, etc. I had to adjust my thinking about the "race to the bottom" because for me and my son, the true bottom would be him pushing to live full time with his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think fluid custody situations like these are often not good because it’s allowing the kids to choose. That can create a situation where kids choose to stay with the more relaxed parent who has less rules, and or can create a race to the bottom situation where parents worry that if they set rules or hold the kids to higher expectations of behavior, the kids will choose the other parent. It gives the kids too much power, in a way that’s not good for the kids. Better for the kids to know the parents are the ones deciding who lives where when, and just follow those rules.

Letting kids have some choice and feeling like they have some control and agency over their own lives is not a bad thing. We're not talking about drugs and shenanigans here - this is simply about where they choose to feel comfortable and "home". Kids from divorced parents have already been pushed and pulled and often feel adrift as it is - following some weird rulebook - especially when they are teens for no other reason other than "RULES!" is ridiculous.

Nowhere has OP said that they have behavior issues or some other interaction problems with her now husband. He simply doesn't like them around. That's the issue. Not the kids. Not the schedule. As she's stated - they are older, don't need constant babysitting and doesn't interfere with anything that they'd like to do such as dates, errands, etc. I'm not understanding why posters are saying what he's asking for is reasonable - unless OP is not sharing his true issues with the kids then this is a husband problem.