Blended Family questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put your kids first, it is hard enough having divorced parents and feeling unwelcome in your mom's home would be awful. You don't have much time left of them living at home and you don't want to regret missing out on their childhoods. Your husband sounds like he is being selfish about it as you said you have plenty of date nights etc and the kids don't need constant attention.

OP here: This is exactly my thinking, and I told my husband basically exactly what you have written. I know he got used to having a lot of time without them around, but I only have a fee more years with them before they go off to college, and I’m trying to make the best of it.

In response to another post..,yes, I’m sure I pay him a little less attention than when the kids aren’t there, but parenting is busy and chaotic at times. I have 3 boys so they are active and messy and eat a lot, as teenage boys do. He has expressed unhappiness that their rooms aren’t clean all the time, etc. I’m more in the court if not expecting them to be perfect. They are very well behaved kids, but again, they are teenage boys so they are going to bring some disruption to the house.

You both didn’t marry your match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put your kids first, it is hard enough having divorced parents and feeling unwelcome in your mom's home would be awful. You don't have much time left of them living at home and you don't want to regret missing out on their childhoods. Your husband sounds like he is being selfish about it as you said you have plenty of date nights etc and the kids don't need constant attention.

OP here: This is exactly my thinking, and I told my husband basically exactly what you have written. I know he got used to having a lot of time without them around, but I only have a fee more years with them before they go off to college, and I’m trying to make the best of it.

In response to another post..,yes, I’m sure I pay him a little less attention than when the kids aren’t there, but parenting is busy and chaotic at times. I have 3 boys so they are active and messy and eat a lot, as teenage boys do. He has expressed unhappiness that their rooms aren’t clean all the time, etc. I’m more in the court if not expecting them to be perfect. They are very well behaved kids, but again, they are teenage boys so they are going to bring some disruption to the house.

I could never live with a woman with 3 teenage boys living at home if I was an empty nester. God help your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: When the kids were younger we had a tighter schedule because yes, they needed the structure. But now they are fine going back and forth.

Also they are definitely able to stay home alone while my spouse and I go out for date night, run errands, etc. They also don’t need tons of attention at home as they are teenagers and mainly stay in their rooms all day anyway. Spouse just wants a completely silent and empty house.

I agree that spouses should be a priority, but also feel like I shouldn’t have to make my kids feel unwelcome in my home…

Why'd you marry a guy who doesn't want your kids around? Your husband sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I think that both you and your DH need to see the other person's perspective.

In fairness, you describe your boys from your perspective but you are their mom and have parental blind spots.

Maybe the boys are more difficult to be around than you know. Have you asked your DH if there are things they do that annoy him or create an unsettled household? Do they have a good relationship with him, or at least treat him with respect and politeness?

Do your boys have chores or otherwise help out in the household or do you devote all your time to cleaning up after them and taking care of their needs any time one of them is in your home?

For his part, your DH has to realize that these are indeed your kids and will be a priority for the rest of your life no matter how old they get.

The question is how you are balancing these priorities.

[Anonymous]

How soon after your divorce did you remarry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How soon after your divorce did you remarry?

Good question. Either way, it’s got major red flags.

[Anonymous]

How is your sex life? If your DH says he needs "alone time" with you could it be because the two of you aren't intimate when the boys are there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that both you and your DH need to see the other person's perspective.

In fairness, you describe your boys from your perspective but you are their mom and have parental blind spots.

Maybe the boys are more difficult to be around than you know. Have you asked your DH if there are things they do that annoy him or create an unsettled household? Do they have a good relationship with him, or at least treat him with respect and politeness?

Do your boys have chores or otherwise help out in the household or do you devote all your time to cleaning up after them and taking care of their needs any time one of them is in your home?

For his part, your DH has to realize that these are indeed your kids and will be a priority for the rest of your life no matter how old they get.

The question is how you are balancing these priorities.

Hahaha is op going to limit her teens access to their home if they’re annoying? News flash! Teens are f-info annoying a lot if the time and you don’t get to boot them for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that both you and your DH need to see the other person's perspective.

In fairness, you describe your boys from your perspective but you are their mom and have parental blind spots.

Maybe the boys are more difficult to be around than you know. Have you asked your DH if there are things they do that annoy him or create an unsettled household? Do they have a good relationship with him, or at least treat him with respect and politeness?

Do your boys have chores or otherwise help out in the household or do you devote all your time to cleaning up after them and taking care of their needs any time one of them is in your home?

For his part, your DH has to realize that these are indeed your kids and will be a priority for the rest of your life no matter how old they get.

The question is how you are balancing these priorities.

Hahaha is op going to limit her teens access to their home if they’re annoying? News flash! Teens are f-info annoying a lot if the time and you don’t get to boot them for it.

Seriously. I mean, they are teenagers and there are three of them. Of course it's going to be hellish living with them for even a small portion of the time. Could it be that your husband is not very bright?

[Anonymous]

I feel sad for your kids. Teenagers are relatively self reliant. Are they behaved or are they bratty kids who don’t clean up after themselves?

Is your spouse an inherently self-centered and needy person? If not, then I’d recommend some soul searching and conversing with your husband. Something like “I sense you’re annoyed when my kids are around. Without me judging, can you tell me what about them is troubling? I want to work on addressing any behaviors or habits they seem unreasonable.”

I know a divorced mom whose teenage sons are so bratty and rude. Don’t pick up their dishes, talk back to grownups, mistreat their mom. It’s really hard to watch as a friend who cares about their mom. Maybe your husband feels similarly. Or maybe he’s a selfish jerk. We just don’t have enough info to make a proper assessment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your kids. Teenagers are relatively self reliant. Are they behaved or are they bratty kids who don’t clean up after themselves?

Is your spouse an inherently self-centered and needy person? If not, then I’d recommend some soul searching and conversing with your husband. Something like “I sense you’re annoyed when my kids are around. Without me judging, can you tell me what about them is troubling? I want to work on addressing any behaviors or habits they seem unreasonable.”

I know a divorced mom whose teenage sons are so bratty and rude. Don’t pick up their dishes, talk back to grownups, mistreat their mom. It’s really hard to watch as a friend who cares about their mom. Maybe your husband feels similarly. Or maybe he’s a selfish jerk. We just don’t have enough info to make a proper assessment.

It doesn’t matter if they are bratty though! Op’s husband isn’t saying “let’s make a chore chart” he’s saying “they should scram.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.

Then you shouldn’t have married a man with kids, ffs! It sounds bad to me too but yet also entirely predictable. The answer is don’t get married if you can’t be gracious to the kids till they’re grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

+1

The kids come first and he has to accept that, full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put your kids first, it is hard enough having divorced parents and feeling unwelcome in your mom's home would be awful. You don't have much time left of them living at home and you don't want to regret missing out on their childhoods. Your husband sounds like he is being selfish about it as you said you have plenty of date nights etc and the kids don't need constant attention.

OP here: This is exactly my thinking, and I told my husband basically exactly what you have written. I know he got used to having a lot of time without them around, but I only have a fee more years with them before they go off to college, and I’m trying to make the best of it.

In response to another post..,yes, I’m sure I pay him a little less attention than when the kids aren’t there, but parenting is busy and chaotic at times. I have 3 boys so they are active and messy and eat a lot, as teenage boys do. He has expressed unhappiness that their rooms aren’t clean all the time, etc. I’m more in the court if not expecting them to be perfect. They are very well behaved kids, but again, they are teenage boys so they are going to bring some disruption to the house.

I could never live with a woman with 3 teenage boys living at home if I was an empty nester. God help your husband.

OP’s husband signed up for this.