Blended Family questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.

Then you shouldn’t have married a man with kids, ffs! It sounds bad to me too but yet also entirely predictable. The answer is don’t get married if you can’t be gracious to the kids till they’re grown.

I’m very gracious to them. Perhaps that’s part of the problem, why it would be hard to have them there 24-7. They have the run of the house, I don’t ask them to do anything, etc. What I am saying is if you are the mom, you can boss them around and hopefully have them be less annoying. For ex, kid gets up from table and heads to room. Mom can say, “Don’t leave your dishes on the table! put them in the dishwasher.” Stepmom just has to smile and clean up after the kids. Another example, kid tracks in mud. Mom can say, “Honey, remember to take off your shoes!” Stepmom says nothing, smiles and says hello to kid, cleans up the mess, then goes to husband and asks him to remind kids to take off shoes if they are muddy. Husband likely does nothing.

I can do that fifty fifty, but not 100 hundred percent of the time.

It’s just nice to know the schedule. We actually don’t switch it much. Both the parents and the kids like sticking to the schedule. It lends a feeling of stability and predictability. I know a lot of divorced parents who don’t like to vary from the schedule. His feelings are not invalid. Plenty of bio parents feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

How old is his kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.

Then you shouldn’t have married a man with kids, ffs! It sounds bad to me too but yet also entirely predictable. The answer is don’t get married if you can’t be gracious to the kids till they’re grown.

I’m very gracious to them. Perhaps that’s part of the problem, why it would be hard to have them there 24-7. They have the run of the house, I don’t ask them to do anything, etc. What I am saying is if you are the mom, you can boss them around and hopefully have them be less annoying. For ex, kid gets up from table and heads to room. Mom can say, “Don’t leave your dishes on the table! put them in the dishwasher.” Stepmom just has to smile and clean up after the kids. Another example, kid tracks in mud. Mom can say, “Honey, remember to take off your shoes!” Stepmom says nothing, smiles and says hello to kid, cleans up the mess, then goes to husband and asks him to remind kids to take off shoes if they are muddy. Husband likely does nothing.

I can do that fifty fifty, but not 100 hundred percent of the time.

It’s just nice to know the schedule. We actually don’t switch it much. Both the parents and the kids like sticking to the schedule. It lends a feeling of stability and predictability. I know a lot of divorced parents who don’t like to vary from the schedule. His feelings are not invalid. Plenty of bio parents feel the same way.

It sounds like you have a husband problem and you have married someone whose parenting you disagree with. Why did you do that?

[Anonymous]

Wait, if you’re the stepmom you can’t ask kids to clear their own plates or to take off their muddy shoes? If my kids have friends over, I tell them these things.

[Anonymous]

I am clearly a minority here, but I am team DH. Yes, it's a packaged deal, but I would want some certainty and predictability in the situation as well. Work out a schedule with you ex and stick to it. If you want to change the schedule, discuss it with your DH first. You are right, the kids will be gone in a few years, so work preserving your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am clearly a minority here, but I am team DH. Yes, it's a packaged deal, but I would want some certainty and predictability in the situation as well. Work out a schedule with you ex and stick to it. If you want to change the schedule, discuss it with your DH first. You are right, the kids will be gone in a few years, so work preserving your marriage.

Work out a schedule with him and stick to it? So if her kids want to come, she tells them no because she has a schedule to stick to? I don’t think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am clearly a minority here, but I am team DH. Yes, it's a packaged deal, but I would want some certainty and predictability in the situation as well. Work out a schedule with you ex and stick to it. If you want to change the schedule, discuss it with your DH first. You are right, the kids will be gone in a few years, so work preserving your marriage.

Work out a schedule with him and stick to it? So if her kids want to come, she tells them no because she has a schedule to stick to? I don’t think so.

Sounds like a great way to make them hate their stepfather and permanentlydamage their relationship with their mother. Worth it just to appease Mr. needy and unrealistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.

I wonder if my exh's fiance is going to think this about my 3 boys. She is an empty-nester.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.

I wonder if my exh's fiance is going to think this about my 3 boys. She is an empty-nester.

Gonna be a rude awakening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.

Then you shouldn’t have married a man with kids, ffs! It sounds bad to me too but yet also entirely predictable. The answer is don’t get married if you can’t be gracious to the kids till they’re grown.

I’m very gracious to them. Perhaps that’s part of the problem, why it would be hard to have them there 24-7. They have the run of the house, I don’t ask them to do anything, etc. What I am saying is if you are the mom, you can boss them around and hopefully have them be less annoying. For ex, kid gets up from table and heads to room. Mom can say, “Don’t leave your dishes on the table! put them in the dishwasher.” Stepmom just has to smile and clean up after the kids. Another example, kid tracks in mud. Mom can say, “Honey, remember to take off your shoes!” Stepmom says nothing, smiles and says hello to kid, cleans up the mess, then goes to husband and asks him to remind kids to take off shoes if they are muddy. Husband likely does nothing.

I can do that fifty fifty, but not 100 hundred percent of the time.

It’s just nice to know the schedule. We actually don’t switch it much. Both the parents and the kids like sticking to the schedule. It lends a feeling of stability and predictability. I know a lot of divorced parents who don’t like to vary from the schedule. His feelings are not invalid. Plenty of bio parents feel the same way.

It sounds like you have a husband problem and you have married someone whose parenting you disagree with. Why did you do that?

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am clearly a minority here, but I am team DH. Yes, it's a packaged deal, but I would want some certainty and predictability in the situation as well. Work out a schedule with you ex and stick to it. If you want to change the schedule, discuss it with your DH first. You are right, the kids will be gone in a few years, so work preserving your marriage.

Work out a schedule with him and stick to it? So if her kids want to come, she tells them no because she has a schedule to stick to? I don’t think so.

Sounds like a great way to make them hate their stepfather and permanentlydamage their relationship with their mother. Worth it just to appease Mr. needy and unrealistic?

+1. What ridiculous advice when I read that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Yeah, my husband focuses on his teens almost completely when they are here. He won’t have sex with me when they are in the house. He says it does not feel right to have sex when they are in the house. This only works because they are at her house fifty percent of the time.

It’s different if they aren’t your biological kids, or kids you raised from when they are little. It’s not the same feeling when they are steps. I welcome the kids anytime, but It just creates a different atmosphere in the house. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when they are in the house, trying to be nice and perfect, making sure I’m always dressed appropriately, etc. They can be loud, and if they were my kids, I could tell them to turn down their video games, but since they aren’t, I can’t. They do zero chores and leave dishes everywhere. If they were my kids, I’d say, “hey kids, help me clean up before you go back to your rooms!” after dinner. Since I’m the step, I can’t do that. So I have to bite my tongue and either live in a pigpen or clean up after them. Or try to get my husband to get them to clean up after themselves, which creates tension.

So I need those days off to relax and feel comfortable in my own house.

Then you shouldn’t have married a man with kids, ffs! It sounds bad to me too but yet also entirely predictable. The answer is don’t get married if you can’t be gracious to the kids till they’re grown.

I’m very gracious to them. Perhaps that’s part of the problem, why it would be hard to have them there 24-7. They have the run of the house, I don’t ask them to do anything, etc. What I am saying is if you are the mom, you can boss them around and hopefully have them be less annoying. For ex, kid gets up from table and heads to room. Mom can say, “Don’t leave your dishes on the table! put them in the dishwasher.” Stepmom just has to smile and clean up after the kids. Another example, kid tracks in mud. Mom can say, “Honey, remember to take off your shoes!” Stepmom says nothing, smiles and says hello to kid, cleans up the mess, then goes to husband and asks him to remind kids to take off shoes if they are muddy. Husband likely does nothing.

I can do that fifty fifty, but not 100 hundred percent of the time.

It’s just nice to know the schedule. We actually don’t switch it much. Both the parents and the kids like sticking to the schedule. It lends a feeling of stability and predictability. I know a lot of divorced parents who don’t like to vary from the schedule. His feelings are not invalid. Plenty of bio parents feel the same way.

It sounds like you have a husband problem and you have married someone whose parenting you disagree with. Why did you do that?

Exactly.

So basically you married a man who doesn't parent effectively and lives in a mess, but that's the children's fault and not his or yours?

[Anonymous]

Team DH. He signed up for a wife who had 50/50 custody of her kids. Being willing to be a full-time stepparent 50% of the time with every other week to be alone as a couple and enjoy downtime is an *entirely* different prospect than step-parenting full time, of 85-90% of the time but with no predictable schedule, which is even worse. It’s entirely redefining their relationship and their marriage. And it’s not okay to decide that unilaterally and then belittle his understandable frustration and concern.

This is not comparable to an unexpected emergency like their other parent dying. This is an entire change of lifestyle that he never signed up for and never agreed to.

When I got engaged to my DH, his daughter was going into her senior year in HS, and we had lived through a couple of years of upheaval with her mother’s volatile relationships which resulted in 50/50 custody being more like 12/14 custody. I coped with it by keeping my own place because I could not and would not sign up for my life to be so dictated by the whims of his ex. And when we made plans to officially move in together, I knew that the end was in sight and that my DSD would want her own place. I know myself enough to know that I needed my own privacy at least half the time, and I knew our relationship needed the recovery time when she was not with us.

If we had dated and gotten married when custody was consistently 50/50 and then suddenly, for no tangible reason, I was all of a sudden in a joke with full custody of 3 children with no input in the decision to change custody, I would have divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m recently re-married (just under 2 years) and have 3 children, who I have 50/50 custody with. The arrangement has always been that I have the kids for 1 week, and then they go to their Dad’s house for 1 week. Now that the kids are getting older (middle and high school age) my ex and I haven’t been super strict about the schedule. So for about the past 6 months, we let them really stay with whoever they’d like. So sometimes I might have them for a couple weeks at a time, or I might have 1 of the kids and the other 2 go to their dads etc etc. My ex lives just a mile away, so the arrangement works well.

The problem is that my current husband has been irritated that my kids are now staying with us more often. He’ll ask “are they all going to their Dad’s today”, and if I say no, he’ll get upset saying that him and I need our “alone time”. I told him that my kids are already getting old and won’t be at home much longer, and that I’m not going to tell my own children that they have to leave. Current husband has 1 older child that doesn’t live at home.

Am I wrong for allowing my kiddos to stay with me when they ask???

I know that everyone will think "that's easy for you to *say*" but I 110% promise you that if my husband ever had the audacity to say this about my DS, I would kick his ass to the curb and never. look. back. ever.

And he never would say it because he loves my DS like his own (he also has two kids from a previous marriage).

[Anonymous]

Stepmom - I can see how that kind of no schedule would be hard on anyone as you never know day to day the responsibilities/needs. As a mom I would not be happy with it to be on the whim of the kids and be on standby. The real issue is 1-1 time with your husband. You need to set a date night or fine some time alone just the two of you. That's not unreasonable ask.