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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc.  Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff.  It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy.  I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome.  I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.[/quote]

Serious question, why did you marry him if you so disagree with his parenting and household management approach?  I have never been able to understand why people do this to themselves.  [/quote]

NP. Once you reach a certain age, practically all men have kids. It’s either date a man with kids, or don’t date anybody.[/quote]

Okay, but if you had to date a man with kids wouldn't you try to find one whose parenting you agree with?  [/quote]

Many women who marry men with kids don’t plan to have kids with them. Did you marry your college boyfriend or something? It’s hard to find someone you are compatible with after your twenties. If practically every man your age has kids, and you don’t want your own kids, and it’s really hard to find someone you like, whether or not a man makes his teens take his shoes off or put the dishes in the dishwasher is not necessarily the top priority.[/quote]

No, I married a man who wants kids, because I wanted kids.  And I did my best to make sure we were on the same page about how to parent.  You can never know 100% if there aren't actual kids yet, but I really can't see myself looking at a man and thinking "Well, I really disagree with his parenting and also with the way he keeps his home generally, so I guess I'll move in.  This will be great!"  Because there ARE lots of men who don't have kids.  And if they do have kids, and parenting and cleanliness is important to you, maybe trying to find a good match in that area should have been a priority.  You did this to yourself.  [/quote]

Well good for you that you managed to find someone childless to marry while you were still young even to have your own biological kids! That didn’t happen to me. Not everyone is they lucky. And you clearly have never been in the forty and up dating market so you have no idea what you are talking about. You are so smug, I hope your husband cheats and divorces you and you get your snug come uppance. [/quote]

What is wrong with you?[/quote]

I’m responding to this obnoxious woman who is lucky enough to get married when she was young enough to have her own biological children. Who clearly has no clue what it’s like to be older and dating. She claims that many men don’t have kids. That’s really not true once you’re in your 40s. She’s an obnoxious smug married woman. She’s not even in a blended family. She has no clue. So yes, I kind of hope karma gets to her and she winds up divorced and having to deal with the over 40 dating market with kids. See how easy it is to find some man with no kids with him she’s perfectly compatible. Or a man who she’s perfectly compatible with who does have kids. She’s asinine.[/quote]

Im not that poster but I responded earlier although I married a great never married guy when I was young. The reason is that I felt like responded is that I grew up in a blended family where step parents made me feel unwelcome and like having a normal teen around the house was a terrible burden. It was pretty messed up and changed my relationship with my parents for the rest of their lives. I think that’s an important perspective for op to consider.

As for you, wtf no one says you have to date or get married. It’s not like picking a housing situation-it’s not like some obligation and you’re being forced to make do with bad options. If you are in a situation where the only person you find to marry has kids you’re going to be an insufferable b1+ch to then don’t get married, ffs. [/quote]

I’m not an insufferable b*$ch to them. I’m nice to them. Very nice. And they seem to like me ok.  That’s part of my point. The mom can snap or gripe at the kids to clean up or set rules in place. The expectations of stepmoms are harder in many ways. I don’t have control of the  house when the kids are here. They can blare their video games and there’s nothing I can do about it. They leave dishes lying around and I either have to wait for their dad to clean them or clean them myself. If I was their mom, I could tell them to put on headphones or tell them to turn the volume low. I could be like, hey, don’t leave your dishes lying around. you know you have to put them in the sink. That’s  why it’s hard to have full custody . You kind of grin and bear it when the kids are there during the 50-50, then you relax when they aren’t there. That said, my husband‘s kids come over sometimes when we don’t have custody and I never say a word.
[/quote]

Well, I think it would be fine for a stepmother to ask them nicely to clean up, or to remind them of agreed-upon house rules.  I think you are biting your tongue because you know your DH won't back you up, and you'll feel even weaker if you ask them and they ignore you.  And I think you're blaming the children and claiming you have no rights because that's safer for you than to blame their father, his poor parenting, and your poor choices in getting yourself into this situation.  [/quote]

I’m not blaming the kids. I suspect if their dad set higher expectations for them, they would meet them, or at least met them some of the time, and then when they didn’t, I could nicely remind them. But you’re right, that is not our dynamic. The times I try to express opinions about having what are very normal expectations for teens - such as washing their own dishes or picking up messes - he says it is their house and he wants the to feel welcome. My expectations are standards I think most women/moms would try to set. Their not “unreasonable stepmom” expectations. It’s stuff like, wash your hands when you come in from outside during a pandemic. Rinse off your dishes and put them in the dishwasher after you use them. Take off your shoes if they are muddy and switch into cleaner ones or go barefoot inside.  Stuff that the vast majority of moms would insist on, but their dad doesn’t want to. So I’m supposed to tell them to do stuff their dad doesn’t tell them to do? Mostly I just try to make sure he is doing most of the work to clean up their messes, which doesn’t always happen and sometimes I wind up doing the cleaning. And I’m not a neat freak fyi. So I clean the day they leave, enjoy a nice house for a week, then put up with the mess when they are here. If you are a stepparent who has no or little say in how a house is run when the kids are there, I can see how having a fluid ever changing custody schedule would be a little frustrating.[/quote]

Move out.   Simple.  [/quote]

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