Blended Family questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, if the kids were both your biological children, they wouldn't be going anywhere any night.

When you two got married, he married into the existing family. He needs to deal with it. Those kids should be considered his kids.

OP here: That’s what I told him…most parents don’t get ANY days off!! i think we’re very lucky in that we are able to travel etc while they are with their Dad, on top of plenty of date nights etc that also don’t involve the kids.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like 1) The children are annoying him, maybe you can figure out why, is it loud music or mess or something? 2) He's a man-baby who can't articulate his own needs, whatever they are. 3) He's totally unrealistic about what life is like when you marry someone who has children 4) He wants you to force them onto a more stable schedule and has no idea how hard and damaging that is to actually do.

[Anonymous]

I think he's not being very realistic. If you tell a teenager "Pack your bags, you are not welcome in my home this week" that means it isn't really their home at all. They're guests at both places and have no true home. And your husband is empathy-challenged if he cannot understand that.

[Anonymous]

OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: When the kids were younger we had a tighter schedule because yes, they needed the structure. But now they are fine going back and forth.

Also they are definitely able to stay home alone while my spouse and I go out for date night, run errands, etc. They also don’t need tons of attention at home as they are teenagers and mainly stay in their rooms all day anyway. Spouse just wants a completely silent and empty house.

I agree that spouses should be a priority, but also feel like I shouldn’t have to make my kids feel unwelcome in my home…

Your spouse is not being reasonable. He married a woman with children-what would have happened if their dad died of Covid? You should shut this down if you want a warm and close relationship with your kids in adulthood. Tell him options are get with the program or get divorced.

+1. I am on my second marriage with two kids from my first. My kids can come to my place any time and they do, this is their home too. My husband knew, when he married me, that we will never be a childless family. There are likely to be grandkids. If he wanted the comforts of having a dedicated child free relationship, he should have chosen someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Maybe he's a man-baby who needs to take care of himself and not look to his mommy-wife to cater to him like he's an additional child. Oh, attention, me me me needs attention! Can't possibly be an adult, speak up for my needs, and take the initiative to help with parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when your kids are with you, do you disengage from your marriage? Asking because I have an old friend dealing with this very issue. He went into the marriage with the very best intentions, but whenever her kids stay with them, he becomes invisible, and he's on the verge of ending it because the kids are there most of the time. I honestly feel like their marriage could have been saved if she just carved out time for him and involved him in parenting the children. Second marriages with children are impossibly hard for most people.

Maybe he's a man-baby who needs to take care of himself and not look to his mommy-wife to cater to him like he's an additional child. Oh, attention, me me me needs attention! Can't possibly be an adult, speak up for my needs, and take the initiative to help with parenting.

Marrying someone with kids tends to bring out the worst in people. You'll like yourself better as a human and a romantic partner if you avoid dating people with kids (or maybe just people with kids still living at home if you're older and looking).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

Then don't get remarried. If your attitude is "kids first period," then you're setting yourself up for a marriage filled with a lot of resentment. Just don't go there. It's not fair to anyone involved. Second marriages only work when people show empathy for all parties involved. All spouses need to feel like they are each other's "number one".

Are you in high school?

Hardly. But I've been married a long time, and in my faith, there is a hierarchy of God --> spouse ---> kids in a family unit, and this hierarchy would still be applicable minus "God". Spouses, even in a blended family like OP's, need to approach parenting together. Never seen a second marriage work where someone took a hard line approach like "Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it." However, I've seen several fail where that was the prevailing attitude.

You need to reread the post directed to you earlier about emotional maturity and not needing to be a “number one.” Go cook for Jim Bob now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

Then don't get remarried. If your attitude is "kids first period," then you're setting yourself up for a marriage filled with a lot of resentment. Just don't go there. It's not fair to anyone involved. Second marriages only work when people show empathy for all parties involved. All spouses need to feel like they are each other's "number one".

Are you in high school?

Hardly. But I've been married a long time, and in my faith, there is a hierarchy of God --> spouse ---> kids in a family unit, and this hierarchy would still be applicable minus "God". Spouses, even in a blended family like OP's, need to approach parenting together. Never seen a second marriage work where someone took a hard line approach like "Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it." However, I've seen several fail where that was the prevailing attitude.

Bet you got married in high school.

[Anonymous]

Put your kids first, it is hard enough having divorced parents and feeling unwelcome in your mom's home would be awful. You don't have much time left of them living at home and you don't want to regret missing out on their childhoods. Your husband sounds like he is being selfish about it as you said you have plenty of date nights etc and the kids don't need constant attention.

[Anonymous]

Was he not aware that you had children when you got married?

[Anonymous]

It seems like you have married someone who disagrees with your parenting. Why did you do that?

[Anonymous]

You aren’t wrong. Your husband is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

It seems like he has no clue what doing this would actually mean to the children. And that he doesn't care about them or see things from their perspective and basically just wishes they would go away. Trying to force teens onto a custody schedule they dislike is extremely difficult and divisive, especially if you are trying to bar them from your home (rather than recruit them to visit it, which comes across as wanting time with them). What will you do if they won't cooperate? Pick them up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put your kids first, it is hard enough having divorced parents and feeling unwelcome in your mom's home would be awful. You don't have much time left of them living at home and you don't want to regret missing out on their childhoods. Your husband sounds like he is being selfish about it as you said you have plenty of date nights etc and the kids don't need constant attention.

OP here: This is exactly my thinking, and I told my husband basically exactly what you have written. I know he got used to having a lot of time without them around, but I only have a fee more years with them before they go off to college, and I’m trying to make the best of it.

In response to another post..,yes, I’m sure I pay him a little less attention than when the kids aren’t there, but parenting is busy and chaotic at times. I have 3 boys so they are active and messy and eat a lot, as teenage boys do. He has expressed unhappiness that their rooms aren’t clean all the time, etc. I’m more in the court if not expecting them to be perfect. They are very well behaved kids, but again, they are teenage boys so they are going to bring some disruption to the house.