Blended Family questions

[Anonymous]

I’m recently re-married (just under 2 years) and have 3 children, who I have 50/50 custody with. The arrangement has always been that I have the kids for 1 week, and then they go to their Dad’s house for 1 week. Now that the kids are getting older (middle and high school age) my ex and I haven’t been super strict about the schedule. So for about the past 6 months, we let them really stay with whoever they’d like. So sometimes I might have them for a couple weeks at a time, or I might have 1 of the kids and the other 2 go to their dads etc etc. My ex lives just a mile away, so the arrangement works well.

The problem is that my current husband has been irritated that my kids are now staying with us more often. He’ll ask “are they all going to their Dad’s today”, and if I say no, he’ll get upset saying that him and I need our “alone time”. I told him that my kids are already getting old and won’t be at home much longer, and that I’m not going to tell my own children that they have to leave. Current husband has 1 older child that doesn’t live at home.

Am I wrong for allowing my kiddos to stay with me when they ask???

[Anonymous]

You’re not wrong but he is also not wrong for having that sentiment. I also think the lack of structure your kids have schedule wise could be tightened up. Why is it so loose?

[Anonymous]

If they're in middle and high school aren't they old enough to stay home alone while you and the new husband go out for a date night dinner? Or when they're staying with you but sleeping over at friend's house you can use that time.

[Anonymous]

It is a balancing act. In any marriage, a partner needs to feel like they are your "first priority". Ideally, you make you try to make your partner feel this way without neglecting your kids. Even if they come over, you can still have date nights and alone time with your husband, just like couples in first marriages. If your husband feels neglected or second fiddle to your kids, he will most likely leave, because most people don't want to feel that wan in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy. It’s too bad you didn’t realize this before you were married. As far as I’m concerned, my kids could come stay at any house of mine whenever they want. They are never “not welcome.” This guy wouldn’t be right for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

Then don't get remarried. If your attitude is "kids first period," then you're setting yourself up for a marriage filled with a lot of resentment. Just don't go there. It's not fair to anyone involved. Second marriages only work when people show empathy for all parties involved. All spouses need to feel like they are each other's "number one".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they're in middle and high school aren't they old enough to stay home alone while you and the new husband go out for a date night dinner? Or when they're staying with you but sleeping over at friend's house you can use that time.

+1. This seems like an easy thing to try and see if it fixes the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

Then don't get remarried. If your attitude is "kids first period," then you're setting yourself up for a marriage filled with a lot of resentment. Just don't go there. It's not fair to anyone involved. Second marriages only work when people show empathy for all parties involved. All spouses need to feel like they are each other's "number one".

You need to direct that to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

Then don't get remarried. If your attitude is "kids first period," then you're setting yourself up for a marriage filled with a lot of resentment. Just don't go there. It's not fair to anyone involved. Second marriages only work when people show empathy for all parties involved. All spouses need to feel like they are each other's "number one".

Emotionally mature people don’t worry about who is “number one” - they worry only about getting their needs met.

I agree to try making the schedule more predictable, but the kids should be welcome at their home anytime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

Then don't get remarried. If your attitude is "kids first period," then you're setting yourself up for a marriage filled with a lot of resentment. Just don't go there. It's not fair to anyone involved. Second marriages only work when people show empathy for all parties involved. All spouses need to feel like they are each other's "number one".

Are you in high school?

[Anonymous]

OP here: When the kids were younger we had a tighter schedule because yes, they needed the structure. But now they are fine going back and forth.

Also they are definitely able to stay home alone while my spouse and I go out for date night, run errands, etc. They also don’t need tons of attention at home as they are teenagers and mainly stay in their rooms all day anyway. Spouse just wants a completely silent and empty house.

I agree that spouses should be a priority, but also feel like I shouldn’t have to make my kids feel unwelcome in my home…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: When the kids were younger we had a tighter schedule because yes, they needed the structure. But now they are fine going back and forth.

Also they are definitely able to stay home alone while my spouse and I go out for date night, run errands, etc. They also don’t need tons of attention at home as they are teenagers and mainly stay in their rooms all day anyway. Spouse just wants a completely silent and empty house.

I agree that spouses should be a priority, but also feel like I shouldn’t have to make my kids feel unwelcome in my home…

Your spouse is not being reasonable. He married a woman with children-what would have happened if their dad died of Covid? You should shut this down if you want a warm and close relationship with your kids in adulthood. Tell him options are get with the program or get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Well, if the kids were both your biological children, they wouldn't be going anywhere any night.

When you two got married, he married into the existing family. He needs to deal with it. Those kids should be considered his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it.

Then don't get remarried. If your attitude is "kids first period," then you're setting yourself up for a marriage filled with a lot of resentment. Just don't go there. It's not fair to anyone involved. Second marriages only work when people show empathy for all parties involved. All spouses need to feel like they are each other's "number one".

Are you in high school?

Hardly. But I've been married a long time, and in my faith, there is a hierarchy of God --> spouse ---> kids in a family unit, and this hierarchy would still be applicable minus "God". Spouses, even in a blended family like OP's, need to approach parenting together. Never seen a second marriage work where someone took a hard line approach like "Your kids are a package deal. He knew that and can get over it." However, I've seen several fail where that was the prevailing attitude.