Blended Family questions

[Anonymous]

The issue may be the schedule. Three teens need driven probably daily, plus the extra cooking, laundry and other needs. No one should be on the whim and it should be coordinated and planned out. And, OP is clearly not spending any time with her husband. Kids have two homes, not just one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m recently re-married (just under 2 years) and have 3 children, who I have 50/50 custody with. The arrangement has always been that I have the kids for 1 week, and then they go to their Dad’s house for 1 week. Now that the kids are getting older (middle and high school age) my ex and I haven’t been super strict about the schedule. So for about the past 6 months, we let them really stay with whoever they’d like. So sometimes I might have them for a couple weeks at a time, or I might have 1 of the kids and the other 2 go to their dads etc etc. My ex lives just a mile away, so the arrangement works well.

The problem is that my current husband has been irritated that my kids are now staying with us more often. He’ll ask “are they all going to their Dad’s today”, and if I say no, he’ll get upset saying that him and I need our “alone time”. I told him that my kids are already getting old and won’t be at home much longer, and that I’m not going to tell my own children that they have to leave. Current husband has 1 older child that doesn’t live at home.

Am I wrong for allowing my kiddos to stay with me when they ask???

"Him and I"? Please take a class in English grammar 10I. I believe that you are a troll as you write in a peculiar style and always use pronouns incorrectly. You trolling doesn't bother me nearly as much as your English grammar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc. Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff. It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy. I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome. I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.

Serious question, why did you marry him if you so disagree with his parenting and household management approach? I have never been able to understand why people do this to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc. Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff. It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy. I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome. I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.

OP here: I think this is a pretty good reflection of my situation. They don’t go into our room and take things, but the house is definitely a little messier when they’re there. They do tend to leave towels on the floor, dishes in the sink, etc. Of course I make them clean up, but I’m not following them around the house every minute of the day making sure that they’re cleaning up after themselves. I feel like with 3 teenagers, it has to be expected that in general the house will be messier when they’re there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc. Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff. It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy. I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome. I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.

OP here: I think this is a pretty good reflection of my situation. They don’t go into our room and take things, but the house is definitely a little messier when they’re there. They do tend to leave towels on the floor, dishes in the sink, etc. Of course I make them clean up, but I’m not following them around the house every minute of the day making sure that they’re cleaning up after themselves. I feel like with 3 teenagers, it has to be expected that in general the house will be messier when they’re there?

If he has different standards, then you need to consider his feelings but it sounds like this is a parenting issue and you need to set better boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc. Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff. It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy. I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome. I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.

OP here: I think this is a pretty good reflection of my situation. They don’t go into our room and take things, but the house is definitely a little messier when they’re there. They do tend to leave towels on the floor, dishes in the sink, etc. Of course I make them clean up, but I’m not following them around the house every minute of the day making sure that they’re cleaning up after themselves. I feel like with 3 teenagers, it has to be expected that in general the house will be messier when they’re there?

OP, can you describe what your sons' relationship with your DH is like? Do they talk to each other? Do things with each other? Do they avoid each other? Have you sons told you they don't like your DH? If so, what don't they like about him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc. Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff. It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy. I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome. I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.

OP here: I think this is a pretty good reflection of my situation. They don’t go into our room and take things, but the house is definitely a little messier when they’re there. They do tend to leave towels on the floor, dishes in the sink, etc. Of course I make them clean up, but I’m not following them around the house every minute of the day making sure that they’re cleaning up after themselves. I feel like with 3 teenagers, it has to be expected that in general the house will be messier when they’re there?

OP, can you describe what your sons' relationship with your DH is like? Do they talk to each other? Do things with each other? Do they avoid each other? Have you sons told you they don't like your DH? If so, what don't they like about him?

OP is gone.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a blended home and I can tell you neither my mom nor my step-father made any of us feel like their home wasn't 100% our home. These are your kids and your husband is now part of your family. It's not you living in his house, letting your kids stay there. It's their home and they NEED to feel that completely. Like any parent, your husband needs to figure out how to get his needs met in ways that don't make the kids feel like they are in the way. I'd start from there and work with DH to brainstorm ways you can have "alone time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a blended home and I can tell you neither my mom nor my step-father made any of us feel like their home wasn't 100% our home. These are your kids and your husband is now part of your family. It's not you living in his house, letting your kids stay there. It's their home and they NEED to feel that completely. Like any parent, your husband needs to figure out how to get his needs met in ways that don't make the kids feel like they are in the way. I'd start from there and work with DH to brainstorm ways you can have "alone time."

It sounds like the kids are too much at home and disrespectful to the stepfather who has to be their personal maid as the actual parent lets them get away with poor behavior. Then, they get mad at a parent and play the parents off each other by bouncing home to home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a blended home and I can tell you neither my mom nor my step-father made any of us feel like their home wasn't 100% our home. These are your kids and your husband is now part of your family. It's not you living in his house, letting your kids stay there. It's their home and they NEED to feel that completely. Like any parent, your husband needs to figure out how to get his needs met in ways that don't make the kids feel like they are in the way. I'd start from there and work with DH to brainstorm ways you can have "alone time."

It sounds like the kids are too much at home and disrespectful to the stepfather who has to be their personal maid as the actual parent lets them get away with poor behavior. Then, they get mad at a parent and play the parents off each other by bouncing home to home.

OP here: My boys are very, very respectful to my husband. I can honestly say they have never been rude towards him, and everyone gets along well. As far as cleaning goes, I understand that they are my kids and I take full responsibility for that. I do ALL of the cooking and cleaning in the house (besides what the boys do as part of their chores). If I’m unable to cook dinner, my husband will order in for everyone. My husband cleans up after himself only. For example, he only does his own laundry. If he uses a dish, he will hand wash that dish only. He doesn’t do any of the general chores around the house. If I ask him to do something outside of whatever personal mess he has made, he’ll tell me “make the boys do it”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a blended home and I can tell you neither my mom nor my step-father made any of us feel like their home wasn't 100% our home. These are your kids and your husband is now part of your family. It's not you living in his house, letting your kids stay there. It's their home and they NEED to feel that completely. Like any parent, your husband needs to figure out how to get his needs met in ways that don't make the kids feel like they are in the way. I'd start from there and work with DH to brainstorm ways you can have "alone time."

It sounds like the kids are too much at home and disrespectful to the stepfather who has to be their personal maid as the actual parent lets them get away with poor behavior. Then, they get mad at a parent and play the parents off each other by bouncing home to home.

OP here: My boys are very, very respectful to my husband. I can honestly say they have never been rude towards him, and everyone gets along well. As far as cleaning goes, I understand that they are my kids and I take full responsibility for that. I do ALL of the cooking and cleaning in the house (besides what the boys do as part of their chores). If I’m unable to cook dinner, my husband will order in for everyone. My husband cleans up after himself only. For example, he only does his own laundry. If he uses a dish, he will hand wash that dish only. He doesn’t do any of the general chores around the house. If I ask him to do something outside of whatever personal mess he has made, he’ll tell me “make the boys do it”.

He sounds like quite the peach! I can see why you married him. Truly a life partner and all-around generous, caring, and hard-working guy.

[Anonymous]

Everyone could benefit from a little more predictability.

I don't see why OP can't bring the schedule back especially when Dad lives so close. The kids can visit him or hang out at his place whenever they like.

2 weeks on, 2 weeks off would seem good. New DH should be able to have some time alone to look forward to. Yes, he should treat the kids like their his but realistically most step-parents don't. It's also unfair to him because when he came in there was more structure.

OP doesn't have to deal with his kid because they're older so she should make some sort of concession to DH. If not, then why date and marry prior to the kids moving out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone could benefit from a little more predictability.

I don't see why OP can't bring the schedule back especially when Dad lives so close. The kids can visit him or hang out at his place whenever they like.

2 weeks on, 2 weeks off would seem good. New DH should be able to have some time alone to look forward to. Yes, he should treat the kids like their his but realistically most step-parents don't. It's also unfair to him because when he came in there was more structure.

OP doesn't have to deal with his kid because they're older so she should make some sort of concession to DH. If not, then why date and marry prior to the kids moving out?

Because it's really, really hard to kick your own kids out of the house! If they really don't want to go to the other house, what is OP going to do about it? Bar the door? Pick them up and carry them out? Lock the door and leave them sitting there overnight? Come on.

And frankly, OP's DH sounds like a big part of the problem here. He washes just his own dish! He cleans up just his own mess, no more! Wow what a sterling model of family harmony. What an example he is setting for OP's boys of how to live harmoniously together. When they have children of their own, they will have him as a role model to look up to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a blended home and I can tell you neither my mom nor my step-father made any of us feel like their home wasn't 100% our home. These are your kids and your husband is now part of your family. It's not you living in his house, letting your kids stay there. It's their home and they NEED to feel that completely. Like any parent, your husband needs to figure out how to get his needs met in ways that don't make the kids feel like they are in the way. I'd start from there and work with DH to brainstorm ways you can have "alone time."

It sounds like the kids are too much at home and disrespectful to the stepfather who has to be their personal maid as the actual parent lets them get away with poor behavior. Then, they get mad at a parent and play the parents off each other by bouncing home to home.

OP here: My boys are very, very respectful to my husband. I can honestly say they have never been rude towards him, and everyone gets along well. As far as cleaning goes, I understand that they are my kids and I take full responsibility for that. I do ALL of the cooking and cleaning in the house (besides what the boys do as part of their chores). If I’m unable to cook dinner, my husband will order in for everyone. My husband cleans up after himself only. For example, he only does his own laundry. If he uses a dish, he will hand wash that dish only. He doesn’t do any of the general chores around the house. If I ask him to do something outside of whatever personal mess he has made, he’ll tell me “make the boys do it”.

I cannot believe what I just read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a step mom and this situation is pretty much what my husband had with his ex. The only thing that bothered me was when it was last minute and I had planned for dinner for only two of us (easy fix...it became DH's job to deal with dinner when these situations arose) and I found it annoying because my husband never "parented" his children when they were over here and they left messes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, etc. Basically, all the normal things kids do but, as a parent, you can harass them about or make rules to fix but as a step parent, I had no control over.

So, I'd ask him if the REAL problem is the alone time issue (like you said, you can leave them home alone to go out to eat) or if it's something more.

I did struggle a lot with the kids just waltzing into my bedroom and taking my stuff. It's nice that they felt comfortable enough to do that but it felt very much like an invasion of privacy. I'd do more digging to get to the heart of the matter.

I agree with you, though, it's important the kids feel welcome. I always wanted my step kids to feel like they could come and go whenever they wanted since our home was their home too.

Serious question, why did you marry him if you so disagree with his parenting and household management approach? I have never been able to understand why people do this to themselves.

NP. Once you reach a certain age, practically all men have kids. It’s either date a man with kids, or don’t date anybody.