Reply to How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.[/quote]

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together. [/quote]

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.[/quote]

Actually, for many of us it is.

And it’s not at all true that you have 50/50 odds of marrying well. The odds are MUCH lower than 50%, from what I’ve seen. My half century of observation - including not only close observation of marriages of family, friends, colleagues but also a decade of working in family law and two decades in domestic violence advocacy and a decade in criminal law and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care - is that fully 75% of marriages are some level of unhealthy/dysfunctional ranging up to highly toxic, physically and emotionally abusive and/or posing serious risk of death to the wives and children.

Being solo in this life poses plenty of challenges and involves lots of pain at times for me, but I am also a child of toxic marriage with a very high ACE score who suffers from childhood PTSD (listening to mommy get raped and beaten repeatedly, beating being beaten and watching siblings getting beaten in early childhood is psychologically devastating), so I’m not the best model - I certainly know plenty of solo women who are more emotionally healthy than me. But all of us are free from danger in our own homes, free from emotionally toxicity in our own homes, free to make the choices we deem best for ourselves and our children in our own homes and free from servitude to another adult in our own homes. That’s a hell of a lot of incentive to just not play at all.[/quote]

DP here, I get it. I grew up in an abusive home. One sibling and I had kids, the other two didn't. Sib w/ kids and I talk about how hard it is to figure out the right path on the millions of every day things because we had such awful role models. Things that people from homes without abuse just naturally know. It's so much harder, plus we don't have grandparents to advise, babysit, provide emotional support, etc. My biggest fear is that I haven't come far enough to equip my kids to have better skills. I'm afraid of what I don't even know that might be missing or wrong. People who didn't grow up in the type of environment that we did typically just have no idea what it's like.

I'm glad to hear that you cherish your safe home. It's truly a gift when you think about how many people don't have that. Hugs to you.[/quote]

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