Reply to How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To the PPs saying "comparison is the thief of joy" or saying that you should never compare yourself to others and you should only ever think about yourself:

Comparing yourself to others can be a healthy a normal behavior. Jealousy and envy can be healthy, too. Saying "don't feel these things, don't think these things" is unrealistic. Comparison is one of the most instinctual things we do. I guarantee you there were cavemen and hunter/gatherers who looked up one day and thought "Huh, that person has more of these berries than me." You can't just stop those thoughts and trying to ignore them or blot them out doesn't work either. Trust me, I've tried! I've meditated, I've taken classes in mindfulness, I've kept a gratitude journal, etc. But the thought "huh, that person has more berries than me" is going to crop up. Rich people think this. Poor people think this. Happy people think this! It is a very normal thought.

And envy and jealousy are natural outcomes. No one has everything. Sometimes we envy what others have. Sometimes we wish it was ours. Again, you can say "don't think this, don't feel this" but the thoughts and feelings will come, and they are most likely to visit you when you are struggling.

The better response is to say, "What can I learn from this? What do these feelings teach me about my values and desires?" Treat these thoughts and feelings not as absolute truth (they aren't) but as clues to what matters to you.

I envy people who have more than me, but I don't envy everything. For instance, I have never once envied another family for the ability to do travel sports or send their kids to private school. I don't want the life that comes with those things. Even if I were wealthy I wouldn't sign up for it. But I used to envy their foreign travel and their nice home interiors. Also, I always envy people who seem to have lots of vacation time. Well that's useful! I am not and will never be rich. But we always save for overseas trips and I have put time and effort into making our home really beautiful and comfortable inside. We might only go abroad every couple years, and I had to decorate my house over time and really comparison shop and look for bargains. But in the end, I got exactly what I wanted. So who cares that someone has more money. That wasn't really what I valued.

But if I'd just shut down those thoughts in their tracks, told myself not to compare or that it's "wrong" to feel envy, would I have figured that out? I don't think so. Instead, I think I just would have beaten myself up for thinking and feeling things I'm not supposed to. It's silly. Comparison, envy, and jealousy are NORMAL. Use them to your advantage. It's your subconscious telling you something important about what you want to do with your life. Listen.[/quote]

This comment is Golden. Jealousy and envy can be used to motivate human beings. It’s how you use that emotions and make it work for you! [/quote]

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