When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

NP. How do you have the time and capacity to ruminate and speculate at this level? If people gossip, not my problem. If people "misrepresent" me, well, I'm confident that my character speaks for itself to the people who actually matter to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

DP, and I agree. I would never feel comfortable in a friend group with someone I actively disliked who I knew actively disliked me. People can be really cruel. I would never be able to be vulnerable in front of someone like that, which means I'd never feel comfortable being vulnerable around our other friends if she was present. And to me, that's sort of the point of friendships.

I think it's just different approaches to friendship though. I sense that a lot of people on this thread mostly just want a friend group so they have something to do. They like socializing, going out, getting invited places. If they don't like everyone, no big deal, because it's more about socializing on a superficial level than about connecting on a deeper level. So for the PP, it might not feel strange to spend so much time around someone she actively dislikes because she doesn't get deep with any of those people anyway. So no vulnerability, no risk.

I am someone who doesn't really need that much socializing. I like spending time alone or with my family. But I crave friendship because I like connecting with people. I'd rather have one or two friends that I can really talk to about my feelings and my life, and who will trust me enough to share those things with me, than a million happy hour invites and lots of people to show up to a party I throw. I'm not criticizing it, I just know it's not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

DP, and I agree. I would never feel comfortable in a friend group with someone I actively disliked who I knew actively disliked me. People can be really cruel. I would never be able to be vulnerable in front of someone like that, which means I'd never feel comfortable being vulnerable around our other friends if she was present. And to me, that's sort of the point of friendships.

I think it's just different approaches to friendship though. I sense that a lot of people on this thread mostly just want a friend group so they have something to do. They like socializing, going out, getting invited places. If they don't like everyone, no big deal, because it's more about socializing on a superficial level than about connecting on a deeper level. So for the PP, it might not feel strange to spend so much time around someone she actively dislikes because she doesn't get deep with any of those people anyway. So no vulnerability, no risk.

I am someone who doesn't really need that much socializing. I like spending time alone or with my family. But I crave friendship because I like connecting with people. I'd rather have one or two friends that I can really talk to about my feelings and my life, and who will trust me enough to share those things with me, than a million happy hour invites and lots of people to show up to a party I throw. I'm not criticizing it, I just know it's not for me.

Nooooo, “going deep” is not the point of all friendships.

I go deep with my core, small, trusted group.

But I also have neighborhood friends and daycare mom friends and volunteer group friends. These are all nice groups to have. But the point of those friendships, for me, is not the deep stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

DP, and I agree. I would never feel comfortable in a friend group with someone I actively disliked who I knew actively disliked me. People can be really cruel. I would never be able to be vulnerable in front of someone like that, which means I'd never feel comfortable being vulnerable around our other friends if she was present. And to me, that's sort of the point of friendships.

I think it's just different approaches to friendship though. I sense that a lot of people on this thread mostly just want a friend group so they have something to do. They like socializing, going out, getting invited places. If they don't like everyone, no big deal, because it's more about socializing on a superficial level than about connecting on a deeper level. So for the PP, it might not feel strange to spend so much time around someone she actively dislikes because she doesn't get deep with any of those people anyway. So no vulnerability, no risk.

I am someone who doesn't really need that much socializing. I like spending time alone or with my family. But I crave friendship because I like connecting with people. I'd rather have one or two friends that I can really talk to about my feelings and my life, and who will trust me enough to share those things with me, than a million happy hour invites and lots of people to show up to a party I throw. I'm not criticizing it, I just know it's not for me.

Nooooo, “going deep” is not the point of all friendships.

I go deep with my core, small, trusted group.

But I also have neighborhood friends and daycare mom friends and volunteer group friends. These are all nice groups to have. But the point of those friendships, for me, is not the deep stuff.

For you. Not for everyone. That's the point. There's no universal definition of friend and different people want and need different things from friendships. Some people may only want the deep friendships and consider all those other people acquaintances. A lot of people choose not to socialize with neighbors or other parents from school or work colleagues. You can be friendly without being friends. I've also known people who have zero interest in any deep friendships. They already get that sort of closeness from family and just don't want to be that emotionally intimate with someone they aren't married or related to.

You have to understand that people have different expectations and know how to interact with people who might use the word "friend" differently than you do. Some people only use it to refer to people they are genuinely close to. Others use it to describe people they met yesterday and exchanged four pleasant sentences with. There's a lot of variety.

[Anonymous]

OP Please grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Please grow up.

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Sometimes. Some people are jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

Right away, it felt like middle school with this larger group of moms all vying for my friend’s attention and approval (my friend was kind of a local celebrity at the time)...and I was the outcast: not as socially connected, just average.

My friend ditched me and quickly became almost partnered with this new friend; each posting updates of lunches, fundraisers, outings, family vacations. I’ve never seen anything like this before...I stepped away, quit the group, took a new job...moved on but lesson learned: no friend groups.

[Anonymous]

Previously avoided joining big group things...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

Right away, it felt like middle school with this larger group of moms all vying for my friend’s attention and approval (my friend was kind of a local celebrity at the time)...and I was the outcast: not as socially connected, just average.

My friend ditched me and quickly became almost partnered with this new friend; each posting updates of lunches, fundraisers, outings, family vacations. I’ve never seen anything like this before...I stepped away, quit the group, took a new job...moved on but lesson learned: no friend groups.

We should be friends! It sucks being the group outcast. Was much harder to recover from than even the worst romantic heartbreak I've been through. Years later I had a baby and had bad postpartum depression, and I realized in therapy that one of the big triggers for my PPD was that I STILL felt rejected by that friend group and it was making me feel isolated as a new mom because I'd think "Oh, if I was still friends with them I wouldn't feel so alone."

Now, that's almost certainly not true (I would have had PPD and felt isolated no matter what), but it felt true at the time. Getting squeezed out of a friend group can follow you for a long time. I agree the easiest way to avoid is to either avoid friend groups altogether or just never invest too much of yourself in them. I do actually have a mom group now, but I absolutely keep it at arms length and purposefully only engage on a somewhat superficial degree. They can't squeeze me out if I'm barely in to begin with! I can't deal with going through that again. It hurts too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you're talking in extremes

Agree with this.

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

You are WAAAAAAYYYYY too mature for this group