When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

Some of you are way too close with your neighbors. They are neighbors, and acquaintances — not friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once my friend asked me if I was inviting a new friend to a party. I said I was thinking about it and she said then she wouldn't go and hoped that was ok. I learned her side and said I understood and invited this new friend to a different event and kept my old friend coming to this party. I thought this was an appropriate way to handle the issue. Just ask that I do different events that didn't put the two of them together. The new friend ended up finding another group of friends anyway and we are just acquaintances so it all worked out. I'm glad my old friend spoke up. She wasn't rude. Just said she felt uncomfortable around that person and made it her issue, not mine. It was my decision to choose who to invite.

OP here, and +1

People are assuming that speaking up and saying "I don't get along with that person, so I choose not to spend time with them" creates drama. But it is the opposite of drama. If everyone is comfortable with themselves and has healthy boundaries, that shouldn't upset anyone. No one should have to spend time with someone they don't like.

I think it only causes problems if you are in a friend group where everyone has to do everything together. That's not my thing. All my friend groups are somewhat fluid. There are big groups and subsets within groups and people spend time one on one and in different configurations. I personally would rather know that Jill doesn't really like Margot so that I don't accidentally invite Margot along for drinks with Jill thus ruining Jill's night (and to some degree, mine too -- I don't want to spend the evening wondering why Jill seems pissed). I don't have to know why, and there's no reason that Jill telling me this info would impact my relationship to Margot unless the reason is that Jill did something terrible. In which case, maybe I need to stop spending time with Margot too. That's not "freezing someone out" -- it's responding to new information about a person.

None of this works if the group is really static, as opposed to fluid. It doesn't work if people tend to get upset if they aren't included in every single thing. It doesn't work if people's identities are very caught up in their role in the friend group, as opposed to having a separate, distinct sense of self that allows you to view your friendships with some degree of detachment.

I mean, you guys can disagree and call me names and tell me I'm stupid all you want (none of which makes you look particularly skilled at interpersonal relationships, honestly), but I think in the end it's just that people approach friendship differently and have different experiences. I could see how some groups might operate in a way that just being polite and sucking it up around people you don't like is the best way to handle things. That's not how my friend groups work and that's not how I choose to live my life. And if that bothers someone, we probably wouldn't make great friends anyway. I'm okay with that.

Oh, and to respond to someone up thread: if you read my original post, it's really clear that I wasn't asking for advice but simply interested in other people's perspectives. I see how you could misunderstand that based on the title of the thread, and I suppose at this point in the thread not everyone may be going back and reading my original query. My mistake -- I should have been more clear in the thread title. Lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

What is the point of “being honest” and telling someone you don’t like them? I have been in this situation- I didn’t click AT ALL with a woman in my circle of friends but I was polite to her. And FYI I’m sure the feeling is mutual. The person you don’t care for likely doesn’t care for you either. Some people just don’t take to each other.

But I appreciate that she is someone my other friends like, she hasn’t done anything to me.... why make everyone else uncomfortable?

And in my situation things actually warmed up a bit with this woman. We each had a similar work related dilemma and kind of helped each other through. We never became close but I appreciated aspects of her that I hadn’t before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

It sounds like you are just looking for people to agree with your first option mentioned. You do you, but posting here is inviting feedback which you’re getting.

Not everyone gets along. I believe in keeping it civil because I don’t have an interest expending emotional energy into negativity. Don’t make drama where there isn’t a need for it. And don’t put your other friends in an uncomfortable situation.

Or carry on as you want, no need to post here though in that case

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

It sounds like you are just looking for people to agree with your first option mentioned. You do you, but posting here is inviting feedback which you’re getting.

Not everyone gets along. I believe in keeping it civil because I don’t have an interest expending emotional energy into negativity. Don’t make drama where there isn’t a need for it. And don’t put your other friends in an uncomfortable situation.

Or carry on as you want, no need to post here though in that case

Lol, "no need to post here in that case." The topic inspired you to post, I'm betting repeatedly, so it seems like a conversation worth having. And no, I wasn't just looking for people to agree with me, but I was surprised at how angry people were in their disagreement. I've said repeatedly in the thread that I can understand why people would approach it differently and that this entire thread was inspired by a conversation I had with a close friend who also prefers to keep her opinions of others to herself. Though in that conversation, she was able to disagree with me without calling me names or telling me to stop talking, somehow. But in this conversation, I've been called mean, stupid, ignorant, and worse, all by people who keep talking about the value of "being civil". Weird.

[Anonymous]

You can be honest and tell people you don't like that person, but don't be surprised if it is you they decide to disinvite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not really thinking of a specific situation. I'm not in the situation right now. But in the past, I've encountered people in friend groups I didn't like and I generally err on the side of one because of my aforementioned feeling about being up front up certain things. But I was discussing with a long time friend recently who approaches it from either #3 or #4. So I thought I'd ask. A few points of clarification:

- I'm only talking about people you have a good reason to dislike. Of course this is subjecting. Thinking of when I've encountered this issue in the past, it includes a woman who was extremely abrasive and competitive, constantly trying to top everyone in the group (not just me) and declaring these really severe political positions (like I remember her being super, super pro-gun rights in a way that was very insensitive).

- I'm not talking about gossiping about anyone, even the person you don't like. I actually really hate gossip. I just mean that if someone says "Oh hey I'm grabbing drinks with Larla on Thursday, want to join?" I will say "No, I can't stand Larla." End of conversation. If prompted I'll say why I don't like them. But I don't just make up an excuse to avoid her but pretend I think she's fine. I'm open about the fact that I don't like her.

- I'm also not talking about yelling at someone or arguing with the. In the example above, the worst I'd ever do was roll my eyes at some of the more obnoxious things this woman said and I recall a couple girls nights where I left early because I didn't want to deal with her anymore.

Anyway, I think #1-4 are all perfectly fine ways to handle it, to be honest. I get that some people prefer to just keep it to themselves and my friend, for instance, is extremely conflict averse so I get why she is more cautious. But I don't think of #1 as "mean", I just think it's honest. My feeling is that we all have to own who we are and our personality. If someone doesn't like me, I'd rather just know. Maybe they have a reason and I have to make an adjustment in the way I interact with others. Maybe I think "nope, that's just who I am" and I just steer clear of that person moving forward. I just prefer when people are up front about stuff like that instead of being "nice" to everyone regardless of feelings. But I get why some people opt for the niceness options.

I am surprised you have any friends. You are horrible.

[Anonymous]

Keep your mouth shut, no gossip, be polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not really thinking of a specific situation. I'm not in the situation right now. But in the past, I've encountered people in friend groups I didn't like and I generally err on the side of one because of my aforementioned feeling about being up front up certain things. But I was discussing with a long time friend recently who approaches it from either #3 or #4. So I thought I'd ask. A few points of clarification:

- I'm only talking about people you have a good reason to dislike. Of course this is subjecting. Thinking of when I've encountered this issue in the past, it includes a woman who was extremely abrasive and competitive, constantly trying to top everyone in the group (not just me) and declaring these really severe political positions (like I remember her being super, super pro-gun rights in a way that was very insensitive).

- I'm not talking about gossiping about anyone, even the person you don't like. I actually really hate gossip. I just mean that if someone says "Oh hey I'm grabbing drinks with Larla on Thursday, want to join?" I will say "No, I can't stand Larla." End of conversation. If prompted I'll say why I don't like them. But I don't just make up an excuse to avoid her but pretend I think she's fine. I'm open about the fact that I don't like her.

- I'm also not talking about yelling at someone or arguing with the. In the example above, the worst I'd ever do was roll my eyes at some of the more obnoxious things this woman said and I recall a couple girls nights where I left early because I didn't want to deal with her anymore.

Anyway, I think #1-4 are all perfectly fine ways to handle it, to be honest. I get that some people prefer to just keep it to themselves and my friend, for instance, is extremely conflict averse so I get why she is more cautious. But I don't think of #1 as "mean", I just think it's honest. My feeling is that we all have to own who we are and our personality. If someone doesn't like me, I'd rather just know. Maybe they have a reason and I have to make an adjustment in the way I interact with others. Maybe I think "nope, that's just who I am" and I just steer clear of that person moving forward. I just prefer when people are up front about stuff like that instead of being "nice" to everyone regardless of feelings. But I get why some people opt for the niceness options.

I am surprised you have any friends. You are horrible.

+1 OP you come across as very annoying. Most of your responses are gigantic walls of text too long to bother reading. It's pretty clear you really like to hear the sounds of your own voice. Do you always have to be the center of attention in your friend group by talking the most? Perhaps someone should just be honest with you and tell you to put a cork in it once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once my friend asked me if I was inviting a new friend to a party. I said I was thinking about it and she said then she wouldn't go and hoped that was ok. I learned her side and said I understood and invited this new friend to a different event and kept my old friend coming to this party. I thought this was an appropriate way to handle the issue. Just ask that I do different events that didn't put the two of them together. The new friend ended up finding another group of friends anyway and we are just acquaintances so it all worked out. I'm glad my old friend spoke up. She wasn't rude. Just said she felt uncomfortable around that person and made it her issue, not mine. It was my decision to choose who to invite.

OP here, and +1

People are assuming that speaking up and saying "I don't get along with that person, so I choose not to spend time with them" creates drama. But it is the opposite of drama. If everyone is comfortable with themselves and has healthy boundaries, that shouldn't upset anyone. No one should have to spend time with someone they don't like.

I think it only causes problems if you are in a friend group where everyone has to do everything together. That's not my thing. All my friend groups are somewhat fluid. There are big groups and subsets within groups and people spend time one on one and in different configurations. I personally would rather know that Jill doesn't really like Margot so that I don't accidentally invite Margot along for drinks with Jill thus ruining Jill's night (and to some degree, mine too -- I don't want to spend the evening wondering why Jill seems pissed). I don't have to know why, and there's no reason that Jill telling me this info would impact my relationship to Margot unless the reason is that Jill did something terrible. In which case, maybe I need to stop spending time with Margot too. That's not "freezing someone out" -- it's responding to new information about a person.

None of this works if the group is really static, as opposed to fluid. It doesn't work if people tend to get upset if they aren't included in every single thing. It doesn't work if people's identities are very caught up in their role in the friend group, as opposed to having a separate, distinct sense of self that allows you to view your friendships with some degree of detachment.

I mean, you guys can disagree and call me names and tell me I'm stupid all you want (none of which makes you look particularly skilled at interpersonal relationships, honestly), but I think in the end it's just that people approach friendship differently and have different experiences. I could see how some groups might operate in a way that just being polite and sucking it up around people you don't like is the best way to handle things. That's not how my friend groups work and that's not how I choose to live my life. And if that bothers someone, we probably wouldn't make great friends anyway. I'm okay with that.

Oh, and to respond to someone up thread: if you read my original post, it's really clear that I wasn't asking for advice but simply interested in other people's perspectives. I see how you could misunderstand that based on the title of the thread, and I suppose at this point in the thread not everyone may be going back and reading my original query. My mistake -- I should have been more clear in the thread title. Lesson learned.

Jill needs to tolerate Margot when you all get drinks. Jill not liking Margot shouldn’t impact other friends. Saying something would be petty, and yes, drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

It sounds like you are just looking for people to agree with your first option mentioned. You do you, but posting here is inviting feedback which you’re getting.

Not everyone gets along. I believe in keeping it civil because I don’t have an interest expending emotional energy into negativity. Don’t make drama where there isn’t a need for it. And don’t put your other friends in an uncomfortable situation.

Or carry on as you want, no need to post here though in that case

+1. Stop writing novels to try to defend your odd, catty impulses, OP. #3 is the only acceptable option, and you can keep it polite/surface-level/cordial without "faking" anything.

Stop with the navel-gazing multi paragraph diatribes and move on with your life. You clearly are going to do whatever you want, taking no advice, so GO DO.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, is this how you ladies keep everyone in line in your super tight “friend” groups? By berating them until they do what you want?

Of course there is more than one option. It is alarming that you can’t see that. Not all people are the same. Some people interact, perfectly happily, in other ways. Your insistence that there is only One Way, and it’s Your Way, is exhausting. No one is making you be friends with me (least of all me) but your insistence that I must have no friends because you disagree with me is just arrogance and ego.

And if I’m annoying you, why can’t you just be civil and walk away? Is it because... sometimes there is value in telling others what you think and feel? Feels good, doesn’t it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, is this how you ladies keep everyone in line in your super tight “friend” groups? By berating them until they do what you want?

Of course there is more than one option. It is alarming that you can’t see that. Not all people are the same. Some people interact, perfectly happily, in other ways. Your insistence that there is only One Way, and it’s Your Way, is exhausting. No one is making you be friends with me (least of all me) but your insistence that I must have no friends because you disagree with me is just arrogance and ego.

And if I’m annoying you, why can’t you just be civil and walk away? Is it because... sometimes there is value in telling others what you think and feel? Feels good, doesn’t it?

Because you are not a friend? You are an anonymous internet stranger acting in a troll like manner and being called out on it. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep your mouth shut, no gossip, be polite.

+1

Grow up, OP. You sound like someone who has barely left their parent's home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, is this how you ladies keep everyone in line in your super tight “friend” groups? By berating them until they do what you want?

Of course there is more than one option. It is alarming that you can’t see that. Not all people are the same. Some people interact, perfectly happily, in other ways. Your insistence that there is only One Way, and it’s Your Way, is exhausting. No one is making you be friends with me (least of all me) but your insistence that I must have no friends because you disagree with me is just arrogance and ego.

And if I’m annoying you, why can’t you just be civil and walk away? Is it because... sometimes there is value in telling others what you think and feel? Feels good, doesn’t it?

Because you are not a friend? You are an anonymous internet stranger acting in a troll like manner and being called out on it. Deal with it.

I’m not trolling, I’m making a rational argument that you find triggering, so you are lashing out at me. If I was just wrong, why do you keep replying? You are determined to “win” an argument with a total stranger about how you conduct your personal friendships. You are mistaking what started as a friendly “curious how different people handle this tricky social issue” conversation into some kind of death match of which you are the victor.

Ask yourself why I’m getting under your skin. Hint: it has nothing to do with me.