When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

Somewhat informal poll, just curious where people land on this. Assume that you have a bigger friend group where everyone is a mutual friend, but there's one person who just don't like. Maybe it's just her personality rubs you the wrong way, or maybe she did or said something you found personally hurtful. Regardless, you don't like her. Do you:

1) Tell people you don't like her, and make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly in person, do not invite to things you organize, etc.)
2) Tell people you don't like her, but act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group (i.e. include in group invites, etc.)
3) Keep your feelings to yourself, act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group
4) Keep your feelings to yourself, but make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly, no invites)

I am firmly in the #1 camp but it is controversial, I know, and viewed as "drama" which everyone claims to hate. But I'm just someone who is honest about how I feel about people and I'm not going to go around pretending that I like someone I really don't, whether she's in the room or not.

What say you?

[Anonymous]

How often do you see this person? I would say #3 it almost all cases. Do you all always invite everyone to everything? In big groups there are always individual relationships and you don’t need to invite this person to things your organize unless it’s the norm in your group. If it’s just a personality conflict and she hasn’t done something egregious there is no reason to be mean and tell her you don’t like her.

[Anonymous]

Of course I would not say something to anyone.

I'm going with "A softer #3," which is to say treat her nicely and do not say anything to anyone else in the group, but don't fake like you're super-friends with her. Be polite and cordial, but don't over-act friendly.

Like, just don't sit next to her at a group dinner. Don't go over and talk to her at a house party. Say hello to her, and keep it moving. If she comes up to a small group you're talking to, stay for a minute and then go to the restroom or go refill your drink or something. See her only in the larger group setting. If a lunch invite comes and it's just you and her and only one other person, decline.

Come on. You can't figure this out?

[Anonymous]

OP - you're talking in extremes

[Anonymous]

3 of course. Just don't invite her if you don't like her. There's a difference in how much I would exclude someone whose personality I don't like versus someone who said something hurtful (assuming I spoke up and didn't get an apology).

OP, if you do 1, then you are immature and petty. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would not say something to anyone.

I'm going with "A softer #3," which is to say treat her nicely and do not say anything to anyone else in the group, but don't fake like you're super-friends with her. Be polite and cordial, but don't over-act friendly.

Like, just don't sit next to her at a group dinner. Don't go over and talk to her at a house party. Say hello to her, and keep it moving. If she comes up to a small group you're talking to, stay for a minute and then go to the restroom or go refill your drink or something. See her only in the larger group setting. If a lunch invite comes and it's just you and her and only one other person, decline.

Come on. You can't figure this out?

This.

And the reason you do it like this is because you want to keep all your other friends, right? The way to keep friends long term is not to be a total bitch to one person bc you don't click. That's ok. The other person probably knows you don't click and doesn't like you as much either! If you start throwing grenades around, eventually the friend group will drop someone and it will be YOU.

[Anonymous]

What did she do? How bad was it?

[Anonymous]

Similar scenario: Group of five moms whose sons have been friends since elementary school and are now about to graduate high school. We've had many, many whole family dinner parties, just the moms cocktails or coffees, etc. I always invite everyone. Now that the boys aren't part of the equation, I'd love to drop the one mom who I just don't care for, but it just seems weird and mean after all these years.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar scenario: Group of five moms whose sons have been friends since elementary school and are now about to graduate high school. We've had many, many whole family dinner parties, just the moms cocktails or coffees, etc. I always invite everyone. Now that the boys aren't part of the equation, I'd love to drop the one mom who I just don't care for, but it just seems weird and mean after all these years.

Because it is. You can invite 1 of the other moms to something. I'm sure there's one you gravitate to a bit more. But don't freeze out one woman after 15 years! That's not a good look.

[Anonymous]

No, I don't intend to. That was my point.

[Anonymous]

I had a person like that in my social circle in a city I used to live in. She had a drama-filled life, and I was inadvertently part of that drama because she had a giant crush on my gay roommate, and was apparently pissed that I lived with him and she didn't.

My friends knew I didn't like her, but I didn't go out of my way to let anyone know about it. I just didn't invite her to anything I hosted, but I was cordial when we were at the same events.

[Anonymous]

Between 3 and 4. I'll be friendly but won't invite her. I won't tell others not to, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar scenario: Group of five moms whose sons have been friends since elementary school and are now about to graduate high school. We've had many, many whole family dinner parties, just the moms cocktails or coffees, etc. I always invite everyone. Now that the boys aren't part of the equation, I'd love to drop the one mom who I just don't care for, but it just seems weird and mean after all these years.

...it seems that way because it IS weird and mean. A group is a group. By all means, you don't have to hang out with them. But after years and years, yes, these friends are a package deal. You can't suddenly drop someone.