When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

I would do #3 - I don’t have to be buddy buddy but I don’t consider being cordial to be fake.

I know people who do #1 and it’s awkward for the others & they have to pick & choose who to invite, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, is this how you ladies keep everyone in line in your super tight “friend” groups? By berating them until they do what you want?

Of course there is more than one option. It is alarming that you can’t see that. Not all people are the same. Some people interact, perfectly happily, in other ways. Your insistence that there is only One Way, and it’s Your Way, is exhausting. No one is making you be friends with me (least of all me) but your insistence that I must have no friends because you disagree with me is just arrogance and ego.

And if I’m annoying you, why can’t you just be civil and walk away? Is it because... sometimes there is value in telling others what you think and feel? Feels good, doesn’t it?

Because you are not a friend? You are an anonymous internet stranger acting in a troll like manner and being called out on it. Deal with it.

I’m not trolling, I’m making a rational argument that you find triggering, so you are lashing out at me. If I was just wrong, why do you keep replying? You are determined to “win” an argument with a total stranger about how you conduct your personal friendships. You are mistaking what started as a friendly “curious how different people handle this tricky social issue” conversation into some kind of death match of which you are the victor.

Ask yourself why I’m getting under your skin. Hint: it has nothing to do with me.

There are multiple people responding to you. Were you under the impression there is just one person responding here? You are becoming unhinged with your increasingly over the top responses. People disagree with you. Why is that so hard to grasp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep your mouth shut, no gossip, be polite.

+1

Grow up, OP. You sound like someone who has barely left their parent's home.

Ah yes, I’m getting it now— you are really educating me on manners with these petty insults. Not undermining your point at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, is this how you ladies keep everyone in line in your super tight “friend” groups? By berating them until they do what you want?

Of course there is more than one option. It is alarming that you can’t see that. Not all people are the same. Some people interact, perfectly happily, in other ways. Your insistence that there is only One Way, and it’s Your Way, is exhausting. No one is making you be friends with me (least of all me) but your insistence that I must have no friends because you disagree with me is just arrogance and ego.

And if I’m annoying you, why can’t you just be civil and walk away? Is it because... sometimes there is value in telling others what you think and feel? Feels good, doesn’t it?

Because you are not a friend? You are an anonymous internet stranger acting in a troll like manner and being called out on it. Deal with it.

I’m not trolling, I’m making a rational argument that you find triggering, so you are lashing out at me. If I was just wrong, why do you keep replying? You are determined to “win” an argument with a total stranger about how you conduct your personal friendships. You are mistaking what started as a friendly “curious how different people handle this tricky social issue” conversation into some kind of death match of which you are the victor.

Ask yourself why I’m getting under your skin. Hint: it has nothing to do with me.

There are multiple people responding to you. Were you under the impression there is just one person responding here? You are becoming unhinged with your increasingly over the top responses. People disagree with you. Why is that so hard to grasp?

Yes, am becoming unhinged with my reasoned, calm responses in which I don't call anyone names, tell people they are stupid, tell them "This is the only option, deal with it" or otherwise make rigid proclamations about human behavior. Ok.

I cannot wait to share this with my happy hour call. They will get a kick out of it.

It's been real, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Taking another tack ~ NP here. I've mentioned this before on other threads. I go into social situations assuming I'm no different from anyone else, but it comes down to this. 1/3 of people will like me, 1/3 of people won't. 1/3 will be indifferent. DD was deciding on a college. She mentioned numerous students going to Big State U, like 25 out of 75 she didn't care for. Instead she happened to choose an unlikely out of state school. 3 others from her HS went. 1 she didn't like.

I've been following this pattern lately, and to me, it explains a lot for a lot of social interactions. The "don't like" isn't an ugly thing, it's just not a personality that mixes well w/my personality. But it mixes fine with someone else - and they are in my friend group. Different for everybody.

[Anonymous]

5) Don't mention you don't like her, just don't go when she's there. Organize your own get together sans person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking another tack ~ NP here. I've mentioned this before on other threads. I go into social situations assuming I'm no different from anyone else, but it comes down to this. 1/3 of people will like me, 1/3 of people won't. 1/3 will be indifferent. DD was deciding on a college. She mentioned numerous students going to Big State U, like 25 out of 75 she didn't care for. Instead she happened to choose an unlikely out of state school. 3 others from her HS went. 1 she didn't like.

I've been following this pattern lately, and to me, it explains a lot for a lot of social interactions. The "don't like" isn't an ugly thing, it's just not a personality that mixes well w/my personality. But it mixes fine with someone else - and they are in my friend group. Different for everybody.

I like this approach, but not sure I get the anecdote about your DD. Are you saying that she (and anyone) is always going to dislike a third of the people in any given group? Or that her preference for the out-of-state school based on disliking fewer of her peers attending was smart? Or irrelevant (since she will inevitably dislike 1/3 of any group)? Not trying to be difficult, just trying to understand how this works in practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5) Don't mention you don't like her, just don't go when she's there. Organize your own get together sans person.

What if people notice you never join in if she's around? What if she (or others) notices that you never invite her?

[Anonymous]

This happened with my friend group of 5 moms. We met when our kids were babies/toddlers and now our kids are in middle school.

Throughout the years, one child had a mean streak. At first I just didn’t care for the kid. Then the mom’s reactions to the kid bothered me much more than the child. I began to see the mom in a new light. Kids got older and had different interests and activities. I used to like this mom a lot and considered her a very good friend. Now I hesitate to attend events when she is present but I am cordial around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5) Don't mention you don't like her, just don't go when she's there. Organize your own get together sans person.

What if people notice you never join in if she's around? What if she (or others) notices that you never invite her?

Sometimes it's obvious we don't get along.
If people do ask, I just say I don't consider her a true friend, so she's never invited. My friends group is large enough, not everyone is invited all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, is this how you ladies keep everyone in line in your super tight “friend” groups? By berating them until they do what you want?

Of course there is more than one option. It is alarming that you can’t see that. Not all people are the same. Some people interact, perfectly happily, in other ways. Your insistence that there is only One Way, and it’s Your Way, is exhausting. No one is making you be friends with me (least of all me) but your insistence that I must have no friends because you disagree with me is just arrogance and ego.

And if I’m annoying you, why can’t you just be civil and walk away? Is it because... sometimes there is value in telling others what you think and feel? Feels good, doesn’t it?

So anyway, #3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, is this how you ladies keep everyone in line in your super tight “friend” groups? By berating them until they do what you want?

Of course there is more than one option. It is alarming that you can’t see that. Not all people are the same. Some people interact, perfectly happily, in other ways. Your insistence that there is only One Way, and it’s Your Way, is exhausting. No one is making you be friends with me (least of all me) but your insistence that I must have no friends because you disagree with me is just arrogance and ego.

And if I’m annoying you, why can’t you just be civil and walk away? Is it because... sometimes there is value in telling others what you think and feel? Feels good, doesn’t it?

Because you are not a friend? You are an anonymous internet stranger acting in a troll like manner and being called out on it. Deal with it.

I’m not trolling, I’m making a rational argument that you find triggering, so you are lashing out at me. If I was just wrong, why do you keep replying? You are determined to “win” an argument with a total stranger about how you conduct your personal friendships. You are mistaking what started as a friendly “curious how different people handle this tricky social issue” conversation into some kind of death match of which you are the victor.

Ask yourself why I’m getting under your skin. Hint: it has nothing to do with me.

We don't like you, OP. You're unhinged. Just being honnnnnesssstttt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, is this how you ladies keep everyone in line in your super tight “friend” groups? By berating them until they do what you want?

Of course there is more than one option. It is alarming that you can’t see that. Not all people are the same. Some people interact, perfectly happily, in other ways. Your insistence that there is only One Way, and it’s Your Way, is exhausting. No one is making you be friends with me (least of all me) but your insistence that I must have no friends because you disagree with me is just arrogance and ego.

And if I’m annoying you, why can’t you just be civil and walk away? Is it because... sometimes there is value in telling others what you think and feel? Feels good, doesn’t it?

Because you are not a friend? You are an anonymous internet stranger acting in a troll like manner and being called out on it. Deal with it.

I’m not trolling, I’m making a rational argument that you find triggering, so you are lashing out at me. If I was just wrong, why do you keep replying? You are determined to “win” an argument with a total stranger about how you conduct your personal friendships. You are mistaking what started as a friendly “curious how different people handle this tricky social issue” conversation into some kind of death match of which you are the victor.

Ask yourself why I’m getting under your skin. Hint: it has nothing to do with me.

There are multiple people responding to you. Were you under the impression there is just one person responding here? You are becoming unhinged with your increasingly over the top responses. People disagree with you. Why is that so hard to grasp?

Yes, am becoming unhinged with my reasoned, calm responses in which I don't call anyone names, tell people they are stupid, tell them "This is the only option, deal with it" or otherwise make rigid proclamations about human behavior. Ok.

I cannot wait to share this with my happy hour call. They will get a kick out of it.

It's been real, ladies.

[Anonymous]

What a lovely group of kind, well-mannered women, who never gossip or exclude anyone, telling a total stranger on the internet to drop dead. Humanitarians, every one.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I’ve been parts of groups - moms, neighbors, etc - that went off the rails because of someone like OP. It’s really a shame and such a needless waste, how the toxicity of one or two people can ruin a larger community of people. And in each case, preventable if only maturity and empathy had prevailed. Good riddance— I just stay away now.