When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the other person know that you don’t like her? Or at least suspect? I guess it would depend if she knew and what was the reason why you didn’t like her. Big difference between “I just think she’s weird/boring” or whatever vs “she openly insulted me to my face.”

In my case, the lady is not weird, boring or insuling; it turns out we have absolutely nothing in common. She's an outdoorsy SAH DIYer arch Republican who likes to spend the weekends hiking and camping and is very frugal with a buck. None of those apply to me easy enough to make very casual conversation and not take the relationship any farther.

Well I’d never do #1 in this case. #1 being as you said “Tell people you don't like her, and make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly in person, do not invite to things you organize, etc.)” I think you have to keep it surface/friendly with this person or just avoid. If someone else asked or if the other person asked, it’s ok to tell a NICE VERSION of the truth. “You know I’m a big Bernie Sanders supporter, Planned Parenthood volunteer, and I love my yearly trips to Vegas and Mexico. We just don’t have much in common and that’s ok.” But I wouldn’t make a big announcement about it to the larger group, unprompted. To me, that’s a drama attitude that I would want to avoid.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not really thinking of a specific situation. I'm not in the situation right now. But in the past, I've encountered people in friend groups I didn't like and I generally err on the side of one because of my aforementioned feeling about being up front up certain things. But I was discussing with a long time friend recently who approaches it from either #3 or #4. So I thought I'd ask. A few points of clarification:

- I'm only talking about people you have a good reason to dislike. Of course this is subjecting. Thinking of when I've encountered this issue in the past, it includes a woman who was extremely abrasive and competitive, constantly trying to top everyone in the group (not just me) and declaring these really severe political positions (like I remember her being super, super pro-gun rights in a way that was very insensitive).

- I'm not talking about gossiping about anyone, even the person you don't like. I actually really hate gossip. I just mean that if someone says "Oh hey I'm grabbing drinks with Larla on Thursday, want to join?" I will say "No, I can't stand Larla." End of conversation. If prompted I'll say why I don't like them. But I don't just make up an excuse to avoid her but pretend I think she's fine. I'm open about the fact that I don't like her.

- I'm also not talking about yelling at someone or arguing with the. In the example above, the worst I'd ever do was roll my eyes at some of the more obnoxious things this woman said and I recall a couple girls nights where I left early because I didn't want to deal with her anymore.

Anyway, I think #1-4 are all perfectly fine ways to handle it, to be honest. I get that some people prefer to just keep it to themselves and my friend, for instance, is extremely conflict averse so I get why she is more cautious. But I don't think of #1 as "mean", I just think it's honest. My feeling is that we all have to own who we are and our personality. If someone doesn't like me, I'd rather just know. Maybe they have a reason and I have to make an adjustment in the way I interact with others. Maybe I think "nope, that's just who I am" and I just steer clear of that person moving forward. I just prefer when people are up front about stuff like that instead of being "nice" to everyone regardless of feelings. But I get why some people opt for the niceness options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would not say something to anyone.

I'm going with "A softer #3," which is to say treat her nicely and do not say anything to anyone else in the group, but don't fake like you're super-friends with her. Be polite and cordial, but don't over-act friendly.

Like, just don't sit next to her at a group dinner. Don't go over and talk to her at a house party. Say hello to her, and keep it moving. If she comes up to a small group you're talking to, stay for a minute and then go to the restroom or go refill your drink or something. See her only in the larger group setting. If a lunch invite comes and it's just you and her and only one other person, decline.

Come on. You can't figure this out?

This.

And the reason you do it like this is because you want to keep all your other friends, right? The way to keep friends long term is not to be a total bitch to one person bc you don't click. That's ok. The other person probably knows you don't click and doesn't like you as much either! If you start throwing grenades around, eventually the friend group will drop someone and it will be YOU.

+1

[Anonymous]

It's your prerogative to do 1, 2 or 4, but don't be surprised if you end up being the one pushed out of the group instead of her.

[Anonymous]

With #1 you are making everyone else feel awkward and uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With #1 you are making everyone else feel awkward and uncomfortable.

True, but what if the person in question is making you feel really uncomfortable? Like what if they are doing or saying things that are very hurtful, or single you out in an embarrassing way. Thinking of examples from my own life where there was someone in a group who was generally well liked but who did things that really upset one member of the group. Like I had a friend once who came from a very privileged background and while it was not intentional on her part, she often said things that were incredibly hurtful to another friend who grew up in really compromised circumstances. Others in the group didn't even notice this stuff because they had never been poor, and also I think because our rich friend was a handy person to know (picked up the tab, had access to things others didn't, would organize ski trips and such).

Should my friend who was offended by the stuff the rich friend use to say have to just suck it up? She kind of split the difference and would complain about this woman to me and to a couple other people who she knew would be more sympathetic. But in the end she did wind up getting kind of pushed out of the group because the rich friend had more social sway. I moved to another city with my husband around the same time and felt bad about the whole thing, but as I faded out of the group generally at the time (buying a house, planning a family, DH going back to school, etc.) and wasn't really in a position to do anything about it.

Anyway, I see the point that speaking up makes people uncomfortable, but that's really not the worst thing in the world and I think sometimes it could be worth it. Really depends on the situation.

[Anonymous]

#3 is your best option. Be cordial and kind. You sound like a 12 year old catty psycho.

[Anonymous]

If you told me you disliked someone in the friend group, I would stop inviting you, not the other woman. I’m not going to stop inviting a friend just because you have nothing in common with her.

[Anonymous]

I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

[Anonymous]

If you did that to someone, I'd shun you, not them.

[Anonymous]

What do you hope to accomplish? What exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be public. Do you announce to the group if you go take a dump? Why not, if it’s true? Do you tell the server when you go out for girls night if you dislike her hair? Why not, if it’s true? Sometimes things don’t need to be shared because they’re better left private or they could hurt someone’s feelings.

What purpose do you hope to achieve by saying you dislike this person? Are you hoping someone else will agree and you won’t be alone in your dislike? Maybe start edging her out of the group? Do you just need to get it off your chest? You could probably share with someone who doesn’t know her and then it wouldn’t make your group feel awkward.

If you really don’t get why it’s not polite to say you dislike one person in your group to another person in that group, or to that person herself, maybe reflect on how well you understand social cues and see if there’s a pattern of you making what DCUM would consider missteps on a regular basis. Are you often outspoken and offending people for the sake of honesty? Do you feel like manners and polite social norms are fake and not worthy of your time or effort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be public. Do you announce to the group if you go take a dump? Why not, if it’s true? Do you tell the server when you go out for girls night if you dislike her hair? Why not, if it’s true? Sometimes things don’t need to be shared because they’re better left private or they could hurt someone’s feelings.

What purpose do you hope to achieve by saying you dislike this person? Are you hoping someone else will agree and you won’t be alone in your dislike? Maybe start edging her out of the group? Do you just need to get it off your chest? You could probably share with someone who doesn’t know her and then it wouldn’t make your group feel awkward.

If you really don’t get why it’s not polite to say you dislike one person in your group to another person in that group, or to that person herself, maybe reflect on how well you understand social cues and see if there’s a pattern of you making what DCUM would consider missteps on a regular basis. Are you often outspoken and offending people for the sake of honesty? Do you feel like manners and polite social norms are fake and not worthy of your time or effort?

I think you are missing the point that in this scenario, I have a reason to dislike this person. I don’t just randomly dislike someone because of the sound or their voice or the way they look. Personally, I’ve never disliked someone who wasn’t a jerk either to me or someone I care about. So saying “Yeah, I don’t like her” isn’t some random attack on an innocent person. It’s an expression of my experience. “Yeah, I don’t like her. She never pays her portion of a group tab” or “she mocked Jenny behind her back and Jenny is my best friend” or “she told people at work about my anxiety disorder without considering that it was private mental health issue.”

I don’t get the pearl clutching. Yes, if I dislike someone and have a good reason for it (which, since I’m a rational person, I must) then of course I’m going to tell people that I dislike them. Why would I keep that to myself? Good manners? What does that even mean in this situation? I disagree with a social norm that says if someone hurts me or someone else, I’m required to be quiet about it because that’s more polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be public. Do you announce to the group if you go take a dump? Why not, if it’s true? Do you tell the server when you go out for girls night if you dislike her hair? Why not, if it’s true? Sometimes things don’t need to be shared because they’re better left private or they could hurt someone’s feelings.

What purpose do you hope to achieve by saying you dislike this person? Are you hoping someone else will agree and you won’t be alone in your dislike? Maybe start edging her out of the group? Do you just need to get it off your chest? You could probably share with someone who doesn’t know her and then it wouldn’t make your group feel awkward.

If you really don’t get why it’s not polite to say you dislike one person in your group to another person in that group, or to that person herself, maybe reflect on how well you understand social cues and see if there’s a pattern of you making what DCUM would consider missteps on a regular basis. Are you often outspoken and offending people for the sake of honesty? Do you feel like manners and polite social norms are fake and not worthy of your time or effort?

I think you are missing the point that in this scenario, I have a reason to dislike this person. I don’t just randomly dislike someone because of the sound or their voice or the way they look. Personally, I’ve never disliked someone who wasn’t a jerk either to me or someone I care about. So saying “Yeah, I don’t like her” isn’t some random attack on an innocent person. It’s an expression of my experience. “Yeah, I don’t like her. She never pays her portion of a group tab” or “she mocked Jenny behind her back and Jenny is my best friend” or “she told people at work about my anxiety disorder without considering that it was private mental health issue.”

I don’t get the pearl clutching. Yes, if I dislike someone and have a good reason for it (which, since I’m a rational person, I must) then of course I’m going to tell people that I dislike them. Why would I keep that to myself? Good manners? What does that even mean in this situation? I disagree with a social norm that says if someone hurts me or someone else, I’m required to be quiet about it because that’s more polite.

In your OP, the example you gave was disliking someone whose personality rubs you the wrong way, which is very different than disliking someone because they’re a jerk.

But in your current examples, gossiping to everyone about how you dislike her isnt going to solve anything. Get separate checks. Talk to *her* about mocking your friend. Discuss with your boss or HR about her gossiping about your anxiety. If you need to vent, vent to a close friend or your SO.

You don’t have to be quiet about it, but there are things you can do that are more productive than just telling everyone you dislike her. What you’re doing is a very passive aggressive way of hoping your feelings get told to her, without you actually having to confront her.