When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I would never walk up to someone and say “I can’t stand you.” That’s bizarre behavior and if I did that, I wouldn’t have friends at all.

When this has happened to me in the past, I don’t attempt to hide my feelings. I had a friend once who was really rude to service people. I hated it. It embarrassed me when we went out as a group and it also just offends me as someone who has worked those jobs. So when it would happen, I would express my feelings in the moment, for instance by apologizing to a waiter she was rude to. And I started telling people I didn’t want to join group outings she was involved in because her behavior made me uncomfortable. In the end, that friend group kind of dissolved. I’m still friends with a few people but it’s not a regular dinner or drinks thing.

And like I said— no regrets. I do t think what I did was mean. I was honest and I set a boundary of what I was comfortable with. And as a result, I didn’t have to deal with this woman’s behavior anymore. I also think it was an opportunity for her to learn that her behavior was upsetting, and not just to the service folks she used to berate. She’s not my friend anymore, but maybe this experienced helped her learn to be kinder to people. Though I doubt it.

Well, according to your 4 options, option 1 is "tell people you don't like her" that's pretty clear. And of course that will get back to the person in question, which is probably the intent. Where have I put words in your mouth? If the person said something to you that you took issue with, then it should have been dealt with at the time. You haven't said exactly what this person did to you to cause your ire. Why were you not upfront at the time to directly address it then if that is your MO?

You said I was suggesting walking up to someone and saying “I don’t like you.” I never said that.

This person was rude to waiters and other service people. Do I need to be more specific? She would berate someone for making an honest mistake, like mixing up a drink order, before they even had a chance to fix it. She would demand to speak to management over minor things, thus jeopardizing the employment of a low paid worker over dumb stuff.

The first couple times it happened, I let it slide because I figured she was having a d day or thought I misunderstood the situation. When it was clear that it was a pattern, I absolutely voiced my difference of opinion (her behavior reflected poorly on all of us and I’m positive we all got spit in our drinks because of her behavior). And when it didn’t stop, I simply told people I didn’t want to go out with her anymore. I didn’t try to stop anyone else from doing it, I just chose not to. But I liked the other people in the group and continued to socialize with them, but did not invite this other woman because I didn’t like her and she ruined the experience for me.

So I think I was very upfront but within reason (I’m not going to jump down someone throat the second they do something I dislike). I don’t think of you fail to object to something the first time it happens, you’ve lost the privilege. Some people have problem behaviors and attitudes that sneak up on you.

So this is all a lame hypothetical. You say you choose option 1 but instead you called the person out on their behavior right then and there. Why didn't you create an option #5 to discuss at the time of the offense what you didn't like about the behavior since that's what you choose to do and what others probably do as well? Instead of 2 different options of sniping and gossiping behind someone's back, and 2 different options of basically doing nothing. So there needs to be an option for doing what you did of "voiced a difference of opinion." Are you really bored or something?

It's my thread so I'm going to pose it the way I want to. I think you are looking for conflict where there need not be any -- I was genuinely interested in how people approach this problem after discussing differing approaches with my friend. If your opinion is that there should be a 5th option, cool -- tell me more about it! Instead you are interrogating me about an imaginary problem (again, I have no current conflict with any of my friends and I'm not asking for advice), then getting mad about an example I provided, then arguing over the details of that example to prove... what exactly? Still not clear on your point.

So yes, if you and I were friends (which I guarantee we are not), I would absolutely be telling people at this point, "Oh, no, I don't want to come if Larla will be there -- she constantly picks fights with me over nothing and it's exhausting. You guys have fun though!" I'm sure you'd accuse me of starting drama but, and I hate to say this because I realize now it's triggering for some people, I'm just being honest.

OP, none of this is reflecting well on you and you might want to stop digging.

Seriously. I don't get triggered by much of anything, but the whole "I'm just being honest" thing is just total BS. It's like you're just giving yourself a pass to be an A-hole and then just claiming "honestly!" to justify it. Next you're going to tell me that you're just being your "authentic self" and "speaking your truth", right? Vomit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Sometimes. Some people are jerks.

True! But jerks are everywhere in life. Being cordial and tolerant is part of being an adult. It's perfectly normal that you would gel with a handful of these friends but maybe keep the others at arms length. What matters is that you're polite and cordial and not starting drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Sometimes. Some people are jerks.

True! But jerks are everywhere in life. Being cordial and tolerant is part of being an adult. It's perfectly normal that you would gel with a handful of these friends but maybe keep the others at arms length. What matters is that you're polite and cordial and not starting drama.

Agree to being polite and not starting drama, no question.

And I think in 90% of situations what you are saying makes total sense -- give people a chance, keep it cordial, don't stir things up.

I just happen to have experience with the other 10% of the time where the person is, like, malevolent. Like not just a personality that rubs you the wrong way but someone in your friend group who is actively a jerk to you and just to you for some reason that only they understand. And in that situation, if you say nothing, the person will just keep being a jerk and people will assume it doesn't bother you because you didn't say anything.

It's an absolute catch-22. If you speak up, you're starting drama. If you say nothing, it must be fine. I think people think there's this perfect middle ground where you speak up at just the right time in just the most tactful way and the person (who is a jerk!) starts being nice and everything goes back to normal. But there's no perfect middle ground because people aren't perfect. We're messy. So in that situation, I vote for speak up and be honest, see where the chips fall. If people don't back you up or accuse you of just stirring up trouble, that's it's own kind of answer. But it someone is doing something genuinely hurtful, and it's not a one off thing, you owe it to yourself to say something about it, both directly to them and to the group, because no one should have to put up with bullying or abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

We should be friends! It sucks being the group outcast. Was much harder to recover from than even the worst romantic heartbreak I've been through. Years later I had a baby and had bad postpartum depression, and I realized in therapy that one of the big triggers for my PPD was that I STILL felt rejected by that friend group and it was making me feel isolated as a new mom because I'd think "Oh, if I was still friends with them I wouldn't feel so alone."

Now, that's almost certainly not true (I would have had PPD and felt isolated no matter what), but it felt true at the time. Getting squeezed out of a friend group can follow you for a long time. I agree the easiest way to avoid is to either avoid friend groups altogether or just never invest too much of yourself in them. I do actually have a mom group now, but I absolutely keep it at arms length and purposefully only engage on a somewhat superficial degree. They can't squeeze me out if I'm barely in to begin with! I can't deal with going through that again. It hurts too much.

PP again! Oh yes, the lingering trauma and self-blame. I’ve also been through PPD (twice) and have ongoing struggles with anxiety (doing great now!). My anxiety was certainly triggered by the anticipation of these “friend group” gatherings; I had to almost prep myself in advance: avoid saying x, try not to get stuck in a conversation w/ “new rival for former friend,” weighing my words...handling criticism.

Sickest of all was watching the dynamics at play. Watching a grown woman practically grovel and become worshipful towards another, competing for someone else’s attention (“DH and I have donated to Celebrity’s charity” or “I am taking care of Celebrity’s dog this week” escalating to these two developing a symbiotic toxicity...all playing out in social media and in the group social situations. The two are apparently still “best friends” who have bonded over narcissism but also significant personal family issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

We should be friends! It sucks being the group outcast. Was much harder to recover from than even the worst romantic heartbreak I've been through. Years later I had a baby and had bad postpartum depression, and I realized in therapy that one of the big triggers for my PPD was that I STILL felt rejected by that friend group and it was making me feel isolated as a new mom because I'd think "Oh, if I was still friends with them I wouldn't feel so alone."

Now, that's almost certainly not true (I would have had PPD and felt isolated no matter what), but it felt true at the time. Getting squeezed out of a friend group can follow you for a long time. I agree the easiest way to avoid is to either avoid friend groups altogether or just never invest too much of yourself in them. I do actually have a mom group now, but I absolutely keep it at arms length and purposefully only engage on a somewhat superficial degree. They can't squeeze me out if I'm barely in to begin with! I can't deal with going through that again. It hurts too much.

PP again! Oh yes, the lingering trauma and self-blame. I’ve also been through PPD (twice) and have ongoing struggles with anxiety (doing great now!). My anxiety was certainly triggered by the anticipation of these “friend group” gatherings; I had to almost prep myself in advance: avoid saying x, try not to get stuck in a conversation w/ “new rival for former friend,” weighing my words...handling criticism.

Sickest of all was watching the dynamics at play. Watching a grown woman practically grovel and become worshipful towards another, competing for someone else’s attention (“DH and I have donated to Celebrity’s charity” or “I am taking care of Celebrity’s dog this week” escalating to these two developing a symbiotic toxicity...all playing out in social media and in the group social situations. The two are apparently still “best friends” who have bonded over narcissism but also significant personal family issues.

I mean...so you literally have issues and needed help. Which...I'm glad you got help. No stigma, no shame, nothing nut applause for seeking help and doing better.

But maybe when scores of people who don't struggle with anxiety and social difficulties tell you that #3 is your best and only option? Take the advice.

I struggle with my weight. I'm not about to seek out advice on DCUM and then argue when people give me solid advice that has worked, long-term for them. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

We should be friends! It sucks being the group outcast. Was much harder to recover from than even the worst romantic heartbreak I've been through. Years later I had a baby and had bad postpartum depression, and I realized in therapy that one of the big triggers for my PPD was that I STILL felt rejected by that friend group and it was making me feel isolated as a new mom because I'd think "Oh, if I was still friends with them I wouldn't feel so alone."

Now, that's almost certainly not true (I would have had PPD and felt isolated no matter what), but it felt true at the time. Getting squeezed out of a friend group can follow you for a long time. I agree the easiest way to avoid is to either avoid friend groups altogether or just never invest too much of yourself in them. I do actually have a mom group now, but I absolutely keep it at arms length and purposefully only engage on a somewhat superficial degree. They can't squeeze me out if I'm barely in to begin with! I can't deal with going through that again. It hurts too much.

PP again! Oh yes, the lingering trauma and self-blame. I’ve also been through PPD (twice) and have ongoing struggles with anxiety (doing great now!). My anxiety was certainly triggered by the anticipation of these “friend group” gatherings; I had to almost prep myself in advance: avoid saying x, try not to get stuck in a conversation w/ “new rival for former friend,” weighing my words...handling criticism.

Sickest of all was watching the dynamics at play. Watching a grown woman practically grovel and become worshipful towards another, competing for someone else’s attention (“DH and I have donated to Celebrity’s charity” or “I am taking care of Celebrity’s dog this week” escalating to these two developing a symbiotic toxicity...all playing out in social media and in the group social situations. The two are apparently still “best friends” who have bonded over narcissism but also significant personal family issues.

I mean...so you literally have issues and needed help. Which...I'm glad you got help. No stigma, no shame, nothing nut applause for seeking help and doing better.

But maybe when scores of people who don't struggle with anxiety and social difficulties tell you that #3 is your best and only option? Take the advice.

I struggle with my weight. I'm not about to seek out advice on DCUM and then argue when people give me solid advice that has worked, long-term for them. Do you get it?

DP (actually the PP she was responding to) but... what? First off, I don't think this is OP. Second, everyone has "issues". Third, I don't think anyone was asking for your advice (not even OP, if you pay attention -- this thread was a conversation starter, not for advice). But if you've never struggled with anxiety or social difficulties, how could you give it?

Sorry you struggle with your weight. That must be hard. I don't struggle with my weight, so I wouldn't tell you how to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Seriously. I don't get triggered by much of anything, but the whole "I'm just being honest" thing is just total BS. It's like you're just giving yourself a pass to be an A-hole and then just claiming "honestly!" to justify it. Next you're going to tell me that you're just being your "authentic self" and "speaking your truth", right? Vomit.

So you're saying if there was a woman in your friend group who was an a-hole and then justified it by saying "I'm just being honest," you would... be polite to her and invite her to things and never tell any of your other friends you didn't like her? Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar scenario: Group of five moms whose sons have been friends since elementary school and are now about to graduate high school. We've had many, many whole family dinner parties, just the moms cocktails or coffees, etc. I always invite everyone. Now that the boys aren't part of the equation, I'd love to drop the one mom who I just don't care for, but it just seems weird and mean after all these years.

...it seems that way because it IS weird and mean. A group is a group. By all means, you don't have to hang out with them. But after years and years, yes, these friends are a package deal. You can't suddenly drop someone.

Of course you can drop someone. It’s not marriage. And you don’t have to be cruel about it. But you also don’t have to have people you don’t like in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

We should be friends! It sucks being the group outcast. Was much harder to recover from than even the worst romantic heartbreak I've been through. Years later I had a baby and had bad postpartum depression, and I realized in therapy that one of the big triggers for my PPD was that I STILL felt rejected by that friend group and it was making me feel isolated as a new mom because I'd think "Oh, if I was still friends with them I wouldn't feel so alone."

Now, that's almost certainly not true (I would have had PPD and felt isolated no matter what), but it felt true at the time. Getting squeezed out of a friend group can follow you for a long time. I agree the easiest way to avoid is to either avoid friend groups altogether or just never invest too much of yourself in them. I do actually have a mom group now, but I absolutely keep it at arms length and purposefully only engage on a somewhat superficial degree. They can't squeeze me out if I'm barely in to begin with! I can't deal with going through that again. It hurts too much.

PP again! Oh yes, the lingering trauma and self-blame. I’ve also been through PPD (twice) and have ongoing struggles with anxiety (doing great now!). My anxiety was certainly triggered by the anticipation of these “friend group” gatherings; I had to almost prep myself in advance: avoid saying x, try not to get stuck in a conversation w/ “new rival for former friend,” weighing my words...handling criticism.

Sickest of all was watching the dynamics at play. Watching a grown woman practically grovel and become worshipful towards another, competing for someone else’s attention (“DH and I have donated to Celebrity’s charity” or “I am taking care of Celebrity’s dog this week” escalating to these two developing a symbiotic toxicity...all playing out in social media and in the group social situations. The two are apparently still “best friends” who have bonded over narcissism but also significant personal family issues.

I mean...so you literally have issues and needed help. Which...I'm glad you got help. No stigma, no shame, nothing nut applause for seeking help and doing better.

But maybe when scores of people who don't struggle with anxiety and social difficulties tell you that #3 is your best and only option? Take the advice.

I struggle with my weight. I'm not about to seek out advice on DCUM and then argue when people give me solid advice that has worked, long-term for them. Do you get it?

DP (actually the PP she was responding to) but... what? First off, I don't think this is OP. Second, everyone has "issues". Third, I don't think anyone was asking for your advice (not even OP, if you pay attention -- this thread was a conversation starter, not for advice). But if you've never struggled with anxiety or social difficulties, how could you give it?

Sorry you struggle with your weight. That must be hard. I don't struggle with my weight, so I wouldn't tell you how to deal with it.

Um...you...might if I literally posted a thread asking for advice, just like OP posted a thread asking for advice.

See how that works?

[Anonymous]

3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

We should be friends! It sucks being the group outcast. Was much harder to recover from than even the worst romantic heartbreak I've been through. Years later I had a baby and had bad postpartum depression, and I realized in therapy that one of the big triggers for my PPD was that I STILL felt rejected by that friend group and it was making me feel isolated as a new mom because I'd think "Oh, if I was still friends with them I wouldn't feel so alone."

Now, that's almost certainly not true (I would have had PPD and felt isolated no matter what), but it felt true at the time. Getting squeezed out of a friend group can follow you for a long time. I agree the easiest way to avoid is to either avoid friend groups altogether or just never invest too much of yourself in them. I do actually have a mom group now, but I absolutely keep it at arms length and purposefully only engage on a somewhat superficial degree. They can't squeeze me out if I'm barely in to begin with! I can't deal with going through that again. It hurts too much.

PP again! Oh yes, the lingering trauma and self-blame. I’ve also been through PPD (twice) and have ongoing struggles with anxiety (doing great now!). My anxiety was certainly triggered by the anticipation of these “friend group” gatherings; I had to almost prep myself in advance: avoid saying x, try not to get stuck in a conversation w/ “new rival for former friend,” weighing my words...handling criticism.

Sickest of all was watching the dynamics at play. Watching a grown woman practically grovel and become worshipful towards another, competing for someone else’s attention (“DH and I have donated to Celebrity’s charity” or “I am taking care of Celebrity’s dog this week” escalating to these two developing a symbiotic toxicity...all playing out in social media and in the group social situations. The two are apparently still “best friends” who have bonded over narcissism but also significant personal family issues.

I mean...so you literally have issues and needed help. Which...I'm glad you got help. No stigma, no shame, nothing nut applause for seeking help and doing better.

But maybe when scores of people who don't struggle with anxiety and social difficulties tell you that #3 is your best and only option? Take the advice.

I struggle with my weight. I'm not about to seek out advice on DCUM and then argue when people give me solid advice that has worked, long-term for them. Do you get it?

DP (actually the PP she was responding to) but... what? First off, I don't think this is OP. Second, everyone has "issues". Third, I don't think anyone was asking for your advice (not even OP, if you pay attention -- this thread was a conversation starter, not for advice). But if you've never struggled with anxiety or social difficulties, how could you give it?

Sorry you struggle with your weight. That must be hard. I don't struggle with my weight, so I wouldn't tell you how to deal with it.

Um...you...might if I literally posted a thread asking for advice, just like OP posted a thread asking for advice.

See how that works?

I am the OP and I did not ask for advice. Which is why I'm not taking any! But thank you for contributing your thoughts -- this has been interesting.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a horrible friend. Wonder why you need to come to a forum to post something so simple. Put your big girl pants on and handle your issues lady.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

We should be friends! It sucks being the group outcast. Was much harder to recover from than even the worst romantic heartbreak I've been through. Years later I had a baby and had bad postpartum depression, and I realized in therapy that one of the big triggers for my PPD was that I STILL felt rejected by that friend group and it was making me feel isolated as a new mom because I'd think "Oh, if I was still friends with them I wouldn't feel so alone."

Now, that's almost certainly not true (I would have had PPD and felt isolated no matter what), but it felt true at the time. Getting squeezed out of a friend group can follow you for a long time. I agree the easiest way to avoid is to either avoid friend groups altogether or just never invest too much of yourself in them. I do actually have a mom group now, but I absolutely keep it at arms length and purposefully only engage on a somewhat superficial degree. They can't squeeze me out if I'm barely in to begin with! I can't deal with going through that again. It hurts too much.

PP again! Oh yes, the lingering trauma and self-blame. I’ve also been through PPD (twice) and have ongoing struggles with anxiety (doing great now!). My anxiety was certainly triggered by the anticipation of these “friend group” gatherings; I had to almost prep myself in advance: avoid saying x, try not to get stuck in a conversation w/ “new rival for former friend,” weighing my words...handling criticism.

Sickest of all was watching the dynamics at play. Watching a grown woman practically grovel and become worshipful towards another, competing for someone else’s attention (“DH and I have donated to Celebrity’s charity” or “I am taking care of Celebrity’s dog this week” escalating to these two developing a symbiotic toxicity...all playing out in social media and in the group social situations. The two are apparently still “best friends” who have bonded over narcissism but also significant personal family issues.

I mean...so you literally have issues and needed help. Which...I'm glad you got help. No stigma, no shame, nothing nut applause for seeking help and doing better.

But maybe when scores of people who don't struggle with anxiety and social difficulties tell you that #3 is your best and only option? Take the advice.

I struggle with my weight. I'm not about to seek out advice on DCUM and then argue when people give me solid advice that has worked, long-term for them. Do you get it?

DP (actually the PP she was responding to) but... what? First off, I don't think this is OP. Second, everyone has "issues". Third, I don't think anyone was asking for your advice (not even OP, if you pay attention -- this thread was a conversation starter, not for advice). But if you've never struggled with anxiety or social difficulties, how could you give it?

Sorry you struggle with your weight. That must be hard. I don't struggle with my weight, so I wouldn't tell you how to deal with it.

Um...you...might if I literally posted a thread asking for advice, just like OP posted a thread asking for advice.

See how that works?

I am the OP and I did not ask for advice. Which is why I'm not taking any! But thank you for contributing your thoughts -- this has been interesting.

Look at your thread title, dimwit: "Which is the best way to handle?" Question mark.

And then we all chose 3, and you got defensive.

Are you really this stupid?

[Anonymous]

Once my friend asked me if I was inviting a new friend to a party. I said I was thinking about it and she said then she wouldn't go and hoped that was ok. I learned her side and said I understood and invited this new friend to a different event and kept my old friend coming to this party. I thought this was an appropriate way to handle the issue. Just ask that I do different events that didn't put the two of them together. The new friend ended up finding another group of friends anyway and we are just acquaintances so it all worked out. I'm glad my old friend spoke up. She wasn't rude. Just said she felt uncomfortable around that person and made it her issue, not mine. It was my decision to choose who to invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you're talking in extremes

+1.

To add, the opinions of others may not always influence my own. I hate groupthink. I can dislike someone but still respect them.