When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

#3. In a friend group of 4 of us, she's the one of the three that I was initially friendliest with, which made pulling back awkward. Clear to all of us that she and I are not close. We both like the other two enough to hang out together. We just smile and pretty much make very limited, superficial conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somewhat informal poll, just curious where people land on this. Assume that you have a bigger friend group where everyone is a mutual friend, but there's one person who just don't like. Maybe it's just her personality rubs you the wrong way, or maybe she did or said something you found personally hurtful. Regardless, you don't like her. Do you:

1) Tell people you don't like her, and make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly in person, do not invite to things you organize, etc.)
2) Tell people you don't like her, but act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group (i.e. include in group invites, etc.)
3) Keep your feelings to yourself, act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group
4) Keep your feelings to yourself, but make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly, no invites)

I am firmly in the #1 camp but it is controversial, I know, and viewed as "drama" which everyone claims to hate. But I'm just someone who is honest about how I feel about people and I'm not going to go around pretending that I like someone I really don't, whether she's in the room or not.

What say you?

I say you're a bitch. You really can't suck it up and be polite to your friends' friend? You can be polite and friendly to her without being fake and pretending you're best friends. Being honest doesn't mean sharing everything you think and feel. I can't stand people who use "I'm just honest" as cover for being unable to manage basic civility. The world is a nicer place when people are nice to each other, even if they aren't friends.

Plus, if there are two people in my group, and one of them talks about others behind their backs and is rude to them, I'm going to pick that person to drop. Because if you're rude to her in person, it makes group gatherings more uncomfortable and unpleasant. And it's also uncomfortable and unpleasant to listen to someone slag on someone else who isn't there. So your behavior will make people feel uncomfortable, and unless you are bringing something amazing to the table, or unless everyone else agrees with your assessment of this person, they are going to drop you, not her. If you make people feel like they have to take sides or choose, you'd better be pretty sure they're going to choose you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would not say something to anyone.

I'm going with "A softer #3," which is to say treat her nicely and do not say anything to anyone else in the group, but don't fake like you're super-friends with her. Be polite and cordial, but don't over-act friendly.

Like, just don't sit next to her at a group dinner. Don't go over and talk to her at a house party. Say hello to her, and keep it moving. If she comes up to a small group you're talking to, stay for a minute and then go to the restroom or go refill your drink or something. See her only in the larger group setting. If a lunch invite comes and it's just you and her and only one other person, decline.

Come on. You can't figure this out?

This.

And the reason you do it like this is because you want to keep all your other friends, right? The way to keep friends long term is not to be a total bitch to one person bc you don't click. That's ok. The other person probably knows you don't click and doesn't like you as much either! If you start throwing grenades around, eventually the friend group will drop someone and it will be YOU.

+1 OP this is the long game. (And also the high road.)

[Anonymous]

Does the other person know that you don’t like her? Or at least suspect? I guess it would depend if she knew and what was the reason why you didn’t like her. Big difference between “I just think she’s weird/boring” or whatever vs “she openly insulted me to my face.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the other person know that you don’t like her? Or at least suspect? I guess it would depend if she knew and what was the reason why you didn’t like her. Big difference between “I just think she’s weird/boring” or whatever vs “she openly insulted me to my face.”

In my case, the lady is not weird, boring or insuling; it turns out we have absolutely nothing in common. She's an outdoorsy SAH DIYer arch Republican who likes to spend the weekends hiking and camping and is very frugal with a buck. None of those apply to me easy enough to make very casual conversation and not take the relationship any farther.

[Anonymous]

There is a big difference between someone's personality rubbing you the wrong way, and the person having done something deliberately hurtful to you.

[Anonymous]

If there was a legitimate reason (she did something terrible to me or she has a major personality flaw - racist, homophobic, etc), then #1.
If they just rubbed me the wrong way, then #3 all the way.

[Anonymous]

1) Tell people you don't like her, and make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly in person, do not invite to things you organize, etc.) Jesus Christ and Holy Mother of God NO.
2) Tell people you don't like her, but act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group (i.e. include in group invites, etc.) Hells Bells, NO.
3) Keep your feelings to yourself, act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group Sweet Jesus, you figured it out.
4) Keep your feelings to yourself, but make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly, no invites) Heavens Above, NO. Why would you do this???



What was that, a Cosmo poll??

[Anonymous]

You can be friendly, but not fake. Be pleasant. Cordial. How do you talk to a neighbor? Don't fake closeness, closeness that isn't there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would not say something to anyone.

I'm going with "A softer #3," which is to say treat her nicely and do not say anything to anyone else in the group, but don't fake like you're super-friends with her. Be polite and cordial, but don't over-act friendly.

Like, just don't sit next to her at a group dinner. Don't go over and talk to her at a house party. Say hello to her, and keep it moving. If she comes up to a small group you're talking to, stay for a minute and then go to the restroom or go refill your drink or something. See her only in the larger group setting. If a lunch invite comes and it's just you and her and only one other person, decline.

Come on. You can't figure this out?

This. And if you have a best friend who won’t gossip then you can tell them. But no, I would not let it circulate amongst the wider group. It could come back and bite you in the ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the other person know that you don’t like her? Or at least suspect? I guess it would depend if she knew and what was the reason why you didn’t like her. Big difference between “I just think she’s weird/boring” or whatever vs “she openly insulted me to my face.”

In my case, the lady is not weird, boring or insuling; it turns out we have absolutely nothing in common. She's an outdoorsy SAH DIYer arch Republican who likes to spend the weekends hiking and camping and is very frugal with a buck. None of those apply to me easy enough to make very casual conversation and not take the relationship any farther.

Oh, well, if you don’t agree with her politically, then, of course, cut her off. And make sure all your other friends know why. No reason for people with different ideas about politics to hang out together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the other person know that you don’t like her? Or at least suspect? I guess it would depend if she knew and what was the reason why you didn’t like her. Big difference between “I just think she’s weird/boring” or whatever vs “she openly insulted me to my face.”

In my case, the lady is not weird, boring or insuling; it turns out we have absolutely nothing in common. She's an outdoorsy SAH DIYer arch Republican who likes to spend the weekends hiking and camping and is very frugal with a buck. None of those apply to me easy enough to make very casual conversation and not take the relationship any farther.

Oh, well, if you don’t agree with her politically, then, of course, cut her off. And make sure all your other friends know why. No reason for people with different ideas about politics to hang out together.

Uh, the last sentence indicates that the PP is *not* cutting her off. She's just making casual conversation and not pursuing a closer relationship. Which is what nearly everyone is advising if you don't really like someone but they are part of your social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would not say something to anyone.

I'm going with "A softer #3," which is to say treat her nicely and do not say anything to anyone else in the group, but don't fake like you're super-friends with her. Be polite and cordial, but don't over-act friendly.

Like, just don't sit next to her at a group dinner. Don't go over and talk to her at a house party. Say hello to her, and keep it moving. If she comes up to a small group you're talking to, stay for a minute and then go to the restroom or go refill your drink or something. See her only in the larger group setting. If a lunch invite comes and it's just you and her and only one other person, decline.

Come on. You can't figure this out?

+1

This is my solution as well. Also, friendships change. You might start liking her or you might grow even more distant.

I must say that I have only ever wirthdrawn from friendships because of racist anti-Muslim, anti-Women, anti-LGBTQ behavior. What is interesting is that now when I am introduced to new people, my friends will quickly clarify to them that I will not tolerate comment against x, y and z group of people and then everyone avoids controversial topics. So may be I am a bit of drama person, no?

This is even more bizarre to me because people should learn that they have implicit bias and change their behavior instead of not talking about these things in front of me. No one ever says "Oh, I would never speak ill of any group just because they are of a different race, gender, religion or sexual orientation than me because it is such an inhuman thing to do,". No one has ever said that.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a group like this. 1 woman let her feelings be known, and honestly it’s so awkward for all of us now. I’m definitely in the middle. The woman she doesn’t like is “extra” but it doesn’t bother me a ton. Now if there is a group activity, it sucks. I find myself having to side with one or the other

[Anonymous]

3, because I am a grown up. Wouldn't get together one-on-one, but otherwise . . .

Someone would have to be a pretty cruel person for me to announce that I didn't like them