When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somewhat informal poll, just curious where people land on this. Assume that you have a bigger friend group where everyone is a mutual friend, but there's one person who just don't like. Maybe it's just her personality rubs you the wrong way, or maybe she did or said something you found personally hurtful. Regardless, you don't like her. Do you:

1) Tell people you don't like her, and make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly in person, do not invite to things you organize, etc.)
2) Tell people you don't like her, but act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group (i.e. include in group invites, etc.)
3) Keep your feelings to yourself, act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group
4) Keep your feelings to yourself, but make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly, no invites)

I am firmly in the #1 camp but it is controversial, I know, and viewed as "drama" which everyone claims to hate. But I'm just someone who is honest about how I feel about people and I'm not going to go around pretending that I like someone I really don't, whether she's in the room or not.

What say you?

3. Be polite and courteous. That should be your mantra for all kinds of interactions. Unless you the power to decapitate them because you are the supreme ruler, there is no reason to carry all this negativity and angst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves.

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be public. Do you announce to the group if you go take a dump? Why not, if it’s true? Do you tell the server when you go out for girls night if you dislike her hair? Why not, if it’s true? Sometimes things don’t need to be shared because they’re better left private or they could hurt someone’s feelings.

What purpose do you hope to achieve by saying you dislike this person? Are you hoping someone else will agree and you won’t be alone in your dislike? Maybe start edging her out of the group? Do you just need to get it off your chest? You could probably share with someone who doesn’t know her and then it wouldn’t make your group feel awkward.

If you really don’t get why it’s not polite to say you dislike one person in your group to another person in that group, or to that person herself, maybe reflect on how well you understand social cues and see if there’s a pattern of you making what DCUM would consider missteps on a regular basis. Are you often outspoken and offending people for the sake of honesty? Do you feel like manners and polite social norms are fake and not worthy of your time or effort?

I think you are missing the point that in this scenario, I have a reason to dislike this person. I don’t just randomly dislike someone because of the sound or their voice or the way they look. Personally, I’ve never disliked someone who wasn’t a jerk either to me or someone I care about. So saying “Yeah, I don’t like her” isn’t some random attack on an innocent person. It’s an expression of my experience. “Yeah, I don’t like her. She never pays her portion of a group tab” or “she mocked Jenny behind her back and Jenny is my best friend” or “she told people at work about my anxiety disorder without considering that it was private mental health issue.”

I don’t get the pearl clutching. Yes, if I dislike someone and have a good reason for it (which, since I’m a rational person, I must) then of course I’m going to tell people that I dislike them. Why would I keep that to myself? Good manners? What does that even mean in this situation? I disagree with a social norm that says if someone hurts me or someone else, I’m required to be quiet about it because that’s more polite.

If you don't like her, you don't have to be around her! Da dee! Problem solved.

Remove YOURSELF from the group if you can't stand being around her.

Oh wants that? You still want to be around the group?

Well then suck it up, Buttercup. The tribe has spoken. They like her enough to keep inviting her around.

The tribe has spoken: she's in. Now you decide: are you in or out?

Yes! This! "The tribe has spoken," and this woman is in the tribe, whether OP likes it or not. No one is forcing you to be in this group. But yeah. This group includes her. In or out?

What on earth are you all talking about? That’s not how friendship works. I wouldn’t want to be part of a group where you can never level a valid criticism of another member without incurring the wrath of the rest of the group. What if people have real, important differences to be addressed? You just kick out the person who has the guts to speak up? This is cult-y.

Ummmmm did I miss the part where OP tried to address the problems 1:1 or with the help of one other friend?

Nope, she didn’t do that. She just wants others to agree with dislike and turn the other woman out.

Bit the other women clearly like this woman enough to forgive or accept any flaws or missteps. My friends aren’t perfect. But if I have a deep problem with someone, I simply remove myself from the equation. I don’t expect a whole group to kick someone else out just on my account.

OP here! Actually you are reading a lot of stuff into my totally hypothetical question. I would absolutely try to address an issue with someone 1:1 first. But I was trying to be inclusive of different scenarios in my options, and I think sometimes there isn't an issue to resolve -- sometimes people just don't like each other. It happens. But if the source of the conflict was an actual issue, I definitely think you've got to try and work it out. Like I said, I'm a person who appreciates honesty and directness, so that's always my preference.

And I don't think you can assume that all the other women in a group like the person in question. Sometimes that's true, sometimes not. Group dynamics are so variable. This conversation has actually reminded me of a group I was in during college where there was one woman who no one really seemed to like, but we all felt a little bad for. She had a rough personality because she'd had a rough life. She rubbed a lot of people the wrong way but there was a high level of empathy there because we knew her background. So that group dynamic was really different from friend groups I've formed as an adult, where people tend to know a lot less about each other's childhoods or family backgrounds, and I think people tend to make more severe judgments of one another. So I think the scenarios I've outlined would have play out really differently in those groups.

I also just want to reiterate (I've tried but no one seems to care!) that I am not suggesting anyone ever kick anyone out of a friend group. I have found it possible in the past to avoid a person I don't like without it fracturing the whole group. Maybe I just gravitate towards less cohesive or insular groups. But like someone in the thread mentioned that she and and woman she actively didn't like invited each other to one another's weddings. More power to them but I would never do that. But I also didn't invite every single member of every single friend group to my wedding -- that would have been way too many people, plus I'm from a huge family. So I think people just have different kinds of groups where excluding one or more people from an event would be seen as devastating -- in my friend groups, that's normal based on closeness, shared interests, having kids the same age, etc. There's no "kicking someone out". There are just people you make a point of hanging out with, and also conversely people you only ever see at parties someone else throws, and that's okay too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I would never walk up to someone and say “I can’t stand you.” That’s bizarre behavior and if I did that, I wouldn’t have friends at all.

When this has happened to me in the past, I don’t attempt to hide my feelings. I had a friend once who was really rude to service people. I hated it. It embarrassed me when we went out as a group and it also just offends me as someone who has worked those jobs. So when it would happen, I would express my feelings in the moment, for instance by apologizing to a waiter she was rude to. And I started telling people I didn’t want to join group outings she was involved in because her behavior made me uncomfortable. In the end, that friend group kind of dissolved. I’m still friends with a few people but it’s not a regular dinner or drinks thing.

And like I said— no regrets. I do t think what I did was mean. I was honest and I set a boundary of what I was comfortable with. And as a result, I didn’t have to deal with this woman’s behavior anymore. I also think it was an opportunity for her to learn that her behavior was upsetting, and not just to the service folks she used to berate. She’s not my friend anymore, but maybe this experienced helped her learn to be kinder to people. Though I doubt it.

Well, according to your 4 options, option 1 is "tell people you don't like her" that's pretty clear. And of course that will get back to the person in question, which is probably the intent. Where have I put words in your mouth? If the person said something to you that you took issue with, then it should have been dealt with at the time. You haven't said exactly what this person did to you to cause your ire. Why were you not upfront at the time to directly address it then if that is your MO?

You said I was suggesting walking up to someone and saying “I don’t like you.” I never said that.

This person was rude to waiters and other service people. Do I need to be more specific? She would berate someone for making an honest mistake, like mixing up a drink order, before they even had a chance to fix it. She would demand to speak to management over minor things, thus jeopardizing the employment of a low paid worker over dumb stuff.

The first couple times it happened, I let it slide because I figured she was having a d day or thought I misunderstood the situation. When it was clear that it was a pattern, I absolutely voiced my difference of opinion (her behavior reflected poorly on all of us and I’m positive we all got spit in our drinks because of her behavior). And when it didn’t stop, I simply told people I didn’t want to go out with her anymore. I didn’t try to stop anyone else from doing it, I just chose not to. But I liked the other people in the group and continued to socialize with them, but did not invite this other woman because I didn’t like her and she ruined the experience for me.

So I think I was very upfront but within reason (I’m not going to jump down someone throat the second they do something I dislike). I don’t think of you fail to object to something the first time it happens, you’ve lost the privilege. Some people have problem behaviors and attitudes that sneak up on you.

So this is all a lame hypothetical. You say you choose option 1 but instead you called the person out on their behavior right then and there. Why didn't you create an option #5 to discuss at the time of the offense what you didn't like about the behavior since that's what you choose to do and what others probably do as well? Instead of 2 different options of sniping and gossiping behind someone's back, and 2 different options of basically doing nothing. So there needs to be an option for doing what you did of "voiced a difference of opinion." Are you really bored or something?

It's my thread so I'm going to pose it the way I want to. I think you are looking for conflict where there need not be any -- I was genuinely interested in how people approach this problem after discussing differing approaches with my friend. If your opinion is that there should be a 5th option, cool -- tell me more about it! Instead you are interrogating me about an imaginary problem (again, I have no current conflict with any of my friends and I'm not asking for advice), then getting mad about an example I provided, then arguing over the details of that example to prove... what exactly? Still not clear on your point.

So yes, if you and I were friends (which I guarantee we are not), I would absolutely be telling people at this point, "Oh, no, I don't want to come if Larla will be there -- she constantly picks fights with me over nothing and it's exhausting. You guys have fun though!" I'm sure you'd accuse me of starting drama but, and I hate to say this because I realize now it's triggering for some people, I'm just being honest.

OP, none of this is reflecting well on you and you might want to stop digging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

1) Tell people you don't like her, and make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly in person, do not invite to things you organize, etc.) Jesus Christ and Holy Mother of God NO.
2) Tell people you don't like her, but act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group (i.e. include in group invites, etc.) Hells Bells, NO.
3) Keep your feelings to yourself, act friendly to her face and treat her as you do others in the group Sweet Jesus, you figured it out.
4) Keep your feelings to yourself, but make it clear to her that you don't like her (not friendly, no invites) Heavens Above, NO. Why would you do this???



What was that, a Cosmo poll??

+1

Honestly amazed this is even a question that is running on for five plus pages. You people have no manners. My gosh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

Sounds like you need no help and have this all figured out, OP! Go try tactic 1 or 2 and be sure to report back how it went. Give me some advance warning so I can get my cocktail and snack ready.

Hahaha, you’re “tactful.”

Well, I'm 42, have plenty of friends, including groups I've been a part of since high school and college. So it seems to be working out fine? Enjoy your cocktail!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I would never walk up to someone and say “I can’t stand you.” That’s bizarre behavior and if I did that, I wouldn’t have friends at all.

When this has happened to me in the past, I don’t attempt to hide my feelings. I had a friend once who was really rude to service people. I hated it. It embarrassed me when we went out as a group and it also just offends me as someone who has worked those jobs. So when it would happen, I would express my feelings in the moment, for instance by apologizing to a waiter she was rude to. And I started telling people I didn’t want to join group outings she was involved in because her behavior made me uncomfortable. In the end, that friend group kind of dissolved. I’m still friends with a few people but it’s not a regular dinner or drinks thing.

And like I said— no regrets. I do t think what I did was mean. I was honest and I set a boundary of what I was comfortable with. And as a result, I didn’t have to deal with this woman’s behavior anymore. I also think it was an opportunity for her to learn that her behavior was upsetting, and not just to the service folks she used to berate. She’s not my friend anymore, but maybe this experienced helped her learn to be kinder to people. Though I doubt it.

Well, according to your 4 options, option 1 is "tell people you don't like her" that's pretty clear. And of course that will get back to the person in question, which is probably the intent. Where have I put words in your mouth? If the person said something to you that you took issue with, then it should have been dealt with at the time. You haven't said exactly what this person did to you to cause your ire. Why were you not upfront at the time to directly address it then if that is your MO?

You said I was suggesting walking up to someone and saying “I don’t like you.” I never said that.

This person was rude to waiters and other service people. Do I need to be more specific? She would berate someone for making an honest mistake, like mixing up a drink order, before they even had a chance to fix it. She would demand to speak to management over minor things, thus jeopardizing the employment of a low paid worker over dumb stuff.

The first couple times it happened, I let it slide because I figured she was having a d day or thought I misunderstood the situation. When it was clear that it was a pattern, I absolutely voiced my difference of opinion (her behavior reflected poorly on all of us and I’m positive we all got spit in our drinks because of her behavior). And when it didn’t stop, I simply told people I didn’t want to go out with her anymore. I didn’t try to stop anyone else from doing it, I just chose not to. But I liked the other people in the group and continued to socialize with them, but did not invite this other woman because I didn’t like her and she ruined the experience for me.

So I think I was very upfront but within reason (I’m not going to jump down someone throat the second they do something I dislike). I don’t think of you fail to object to something the first time it happens, you’ve lost the privilege. Some people have problem behaviors and attitudes that sneak up on you.

So this is all a lame hypothetical. You say you choose option 1 but instead you called the person out on their behavior right then and there. Why didn't you create an option #5 to discuss at the time of the offense what you didn't like about the behavior since that's what you choose to do and what others probably do as well? Instead of 2 different options of sniping and gossiping behind someone's back, and 2 different options of basically doing nothing. So there needs to be an option for doing what you did of "voiced a difference of opinion." Are you really bored or something?

It's my thread so I'm going to pose it the way I want to. I think you are looking for conflict where there need not be any -- I was genuinely interested in how people approach this problem after discussing differing approaches with my friend. If your opinion is that there should be a 5th option, cool -- tell me more about it! Instead you are interrogating me about an imaginary problem (again, I have no current conflict with any of my friends and I'm not asking for advice), then getting mad about an example I provided, then arguing over the details of that example to prove... what exactly? Still not clear on your point.

So yes, if you and I were friends (which I guarantee we are not), I would absolutely be telling people at this point, "Oh, no, I don't want to come if Larla will be there -- she constantly picks fights with me over nothing and it's exhausting. You guys have fun though!" I'm sure you'd accuse me of starting drama but, and I hate to say this because I realize now it's triggering for some people, I'm just being honest.

OP, none of this is reflecting well on you and you might want to stop digging.

Oh no. Strangers on the internet disagree with me.

[Anonymous]

The obvious answer is to be courteous and never intentionally exclude.

Also been in a situation where someone was just mean - rude to waitstaff, hurtful towards others outside of 'the group' (and eventually within in), wanting to dictate who was in and out. She fractured the group under the guide of "honesty" (ie, cruelty) and really hurt some feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I would never walk up to someone and say “I can’t stand you.” That’s bizarre behavior and if I did that, I wouldn’t have friends at all.

When this has happened to me in the past, I don’t attempt to hide my feelings. I had a friend once who was really rude to service people. I hated it. It embarrassed me when we went out as a group and it also just offends me as someone who has worked those jobs. So when it would happen, I would express my feelings in the moment, for instance by apologizing to a waiter she was rude to. And I started telling people I didn’t want to join group outings she was involved in because her behavior made me uncomfortable. In the end, that friend group kind of dissolved. I’m still friends with a few people but it’s not a regular dinner or drinks thing.

And like I said— no regrets. I do t think what I did was mean. I was honest and I set a boundary of what I was comfortable with. And as a result, I didn’t have to deal with this woman’s behavior anymore. I also think it was an opportunity for her to learn that her behavior was upsetting, and not just to the service folks she used to berate. She’s not my friend anymore, but maybe this experienced helped her learn to be kinder to people. Though I doubt it.

Well, according to your 4 options, option 1 is "tell people you don't like her" that's pretty clear. And of course that will get back to the person in question, which is probably the intent. Where have I put words in your mouth? If the person said something to you that you took issue with, then it should have been dealt with at the time. You haven't said exactly what this person did to you to cause your ire. Why were you not upfront at the time to directly address it then if that is your MO?

You said I was suggesting walking up to someone and saying “I don’t like you.” I never said that.

This person was rude to waiters and other service people. Do I need to be more specific? She would berate someone for making an honest mistake, like mixing up a drink order, before they even had a chance to fix it. She would demand to speak to management over minor things, thus jeopardizing the employment of a low paid worker over dumb stuff.

The first couple times it happened, I let it slide because I figured she was having a d day or thought I misunderstood the situation. When it was clear that it was a pattern, I absolutely voiced my difference of opinion (her behavior reflected poorly on all of us and I’m positive we all got spit in our drinks because of her behavior). And when it didn’t stop, I simply told people I didn’t want to go out with her anymore. I didn’t try to stop anyone else from doing it, I just chose not to. But I liked the other people in the group and continued to socialize with them, but did not invite this other woman because I didn’t like her and she ruined the experience for me.

So I think I was very upfront but within reason (I’m not going to jump down someone throat the second they do something I dislike). I don’t think of you fail to object to something the first time it happens, you’ve lost the privilege. Some people have problem behaviors and attitudes that sneak up on you.

So this is all a lame hypothetical. You say you choose option 1 but instead you called the person out on their behavior right then and there. Why didn't you create an option #5 to discuss at the time of the offense what you didn't like about the behavior since that's what you choose to do and what others probably do as well? Instead of 2 different options of sniping and gossiping behind someone's back, and 2 different options of basically doing nothing. So there needs to be an option for doing what you did of "voiced a difference of opinion." Are you really bored or something?

It's my thread so I'm going to pose it the way I want to. I think you are looking for conflict where there need not be any -- I was genuinely interested in how people approach this problem after discussing differing approaches with my friend. If your opinion is that there should be a 5th option, cool -- tell me more about it! Instead you are interrogating me about an imaginary problem (again, I have no current conflict with any of my friends and I'm not asking for advice), then getting mad about an example I provided, then arguing over the details of that example to prove... what exactly? Still not clear on your point.

So yes, if you and I were friends (which I guarantee we are not), I would absolutely be telling people at this point, "Oh, no, I don't want to come if Larla will be there -- she constantly picks fights with me over nothing and it's exhausting. You guys have fun though!" I'm sure you'd accuse me of starting drama but, and I hate to say this because I realize now it's triggering for some people, I'm just being honest.

OP, none of this is reflecting well on you and you might want to stop digging.

Oh no. Strangers on the internet disagree with me.

Sounds like this is a recurring problem for you. May be time for some self reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty done with Mean Girl OP.

"Honesty" does not mean saying everything you think out loud.

There's dishonest: "Oh I adore you, Amy! We're best friends!"

There's best-behavior cordial: "Hi Amy! I like your dress [keep moving and sit at the opposite end of the table]."

There's honest: [if someone actually asks you if you like her] "We don't have much in common, but then again we do share a lot of friends."

And then there's Mean Girl: "Uggghhh, I don't know why Eliza insisted on inviting Amy. I don't like her. Just being HONEST."

The bolded is not actually honest if you do in fact dislike someone. I mean maybe you DO have a lot in common, but even if you don’t, it’s beside the point. If someone says “Do you like Amy?” and you don’t, saying “We don’t have a lot in common but we do share a lot of friends” is actually a SUPER passive aggressive way of communicating that you don’t like her.

I would argue this response is much more “mean girl” than just saying “No, I do not.” Because the passive-aggressive response implies that you don’t like her without saying it. So if the person you say this to later tells people that you don’t like Amy, you can say “No I don’t! I just said we don’t have a lot in common!” This kind of plausible deniability, vaguely negative but couched in neutral terms, language is a big part of “relational aggression” which is how women subtly bully each other starting in adolescence.

At least the person who owns up to what she actually thinks has chosen to own her feelings. And if needed, Amy could actually ask “Hey, why don’t you like me?” And they could have an actual mature conversation about their actual feelings and maybe resolve the conflict. It’s impossible to resolve a conflict people deny exists. It just festers.

This whole thread is about women thinking the “polite” thing to do is hide your feelings and lie. Disturbing.

I disagree if it's within the context of a friend group, because there's a shared interest in keeping the peace. If someone asked if I like my neighbors three doors down, I'd say no. Because I don't actively choose to socialize with him! I don't proactively elect to go places where he will be, and break bread at the same table. Me = don't like my neighbor = avid him = problem solved.

In the context of a friend group, saying you don't like someone can create ripples and rifts and consequences for the whole group. If you want to be on the group, you keep the peace. No one is holding a gun to OP's heads telling her she has to socialize with this woman. She chooses to. Choices have consequences and down sides, sometimes.

And what I’m saying is that passive aggressively saying “Oh we don’t have a lot in common but we know a lot of the same people” would not keep the peace. It would lead to way more gossip and hurt feelings than just stating “no I don’t like her because [reason].”

You think you can avoid conflict by just saying nice things all the time. But you can’t. People see through that and it causes far more problems in the long run. So yes, choices have consequences.

I guess my friends understand nuance and subtlety and social cues better than yours do. We would understand "we don't have a lot in common, but we do have friends in common" (all true facts, by the way) to mean "She rubs me the wrong way sometimes, but I value our group, and my issues with her aren't deep enough to upset the applecart."

If there ever IS a deep issue, I have no problem trying to solve it directly, 1:1. If that doesn't work, it's my choice to either go along to get along, or leave the group. It's not my choice to override everyone else's acceptance of a mutual friend, flawed though she may be, and get her kicked out. They accept her, so the issue is mine, not the group's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.

Sounds like you need no help and have this all figured out, OP! Go try tactic 1 or 2 and be sure to report back how it went. Give me some advance warning so I can get my cocktail and snack ready.

Hahaha, you’re “tactful.”

Well, I'm 42, have plenty of friends, including groups I've been a part of since high school and college. So it seems to be working out fine? Enjoy your cocktail!

Oh yes. It's working out for you so fine that you're running to the Internet with your problems.

Byeeeeeee!

[Anonymous]

Bleaughhh! This thread makes me glad I'm a loner.

[Anonymous]

#3. It’s wrong to be mean and try to turn others against someone, don’t act like you’re in junior high.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a large group, in which case #3 but you don't have to invite her if you're only inviting a subset of the group.

[Anonymous]

I didn't invite one woman out of a large group to my wedding and I don't regret it. BUT she called me out on it and complained to everybody. She wasn't my friend, I didn't like her, I wasn't close to her, and I had limited space. I'm SURE she reads this board and recognizes herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Bleaughhh! This thread makes me glad I'm a loner.

right?? every time I read about “friend groups” I get the heebie jeebies.