Reply to When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

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Reply to "When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.[/quote]

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.[/quote]

DP, and I agree. I would never feel comfortable in a friend group with someone I actively disliked who I knew actively disliked me. People can be really cruel. I would never be able to be vulnerable in front of someone like that, which means I'd never feel comfortable being vulnerable around our other friends if she was present. And to me, that's sort of the point of friendships.

I think it's just different approaches to friendship though. I sense that a lot of people on this thread mostly just want a friend group so they have something to do. They like socializing, going out, getting invited places. If they don't like everyone, no big deal, because it's more about socializing on a superficial level than about connecting on a deeper level. So for the PP, it might not feel strange to spend so much time around someone she actively dislikes because she doesn't get deep with any of those people anyway. So no vulnerability, no risk.

I am someone who doesn't really need that much socializing. I like spending time alone or with my family. But I crave friendship because I like connecting with people. I'd rather have one or two friends that I can really talk to about my feelings and my life, and who will trust me enough to share those things with me, than a million happy hour invites and lots of people to show up to a party I throw. I'm not criticizing it, I just know it's not for me.[/quote]

Nooooo, “going deep” is not the point of all friendships.

I go deep with my core, small, trusted group.

But I also have neighborhood friends and daycare mom friends and volunteer group friends. These are all nice groups to have. But the point of those friendships, for me, is not the deep stuff. [/quote]

For you. Not for everyone. That's the point. There's no universal definition of friend and different people want and need different things from friendships. Some people may only want the deep friendships and consider all those other people acquaintances. A lot of people choose not to socialize with neighbors or other parents from school or work colleagues. You can be friendly without being friends. I've also known people who have zero interest in any deep friendships. They already get that sort of closeness from family and just don't want to be that emotionally intimate with someone they aren't married or related to.

You have to understand that people have different expectations and know how to interact with people who might use the word "friend" differently than you do. Some people only use it to refer to people they are genuinely close to. Others use it to describe people they met yesterday and exchanged four pleasant sentences with. There's a lot of variety.[/quote]

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