Tough situation with stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's no longer a child and its ok to not like some people (kids even). But I think marrying her dad was a mistake and that's your real issue. He took the motherhood card from you. His daughter sounds selfish like her dad.

And I say this as a single mom whose ex has a GF. I would flatline my daughter if she ever thought calling another woman a bitch was ok.

[Anonymous]

How old are you and your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

I agree with this part but for the unfit comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's no longer a child and its ok to not like some people (kids even). But I think marrying her dad was a mistake and that's your real issue. He took the motherhood card from you. His daughter sounds selfish like her dad.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally empathize with you. Your heart has been broken and you are still kind and polite in the face of horrible, cruel behavior. OP's stepdaughter is not a child. She was a teenager and now she is an adult. I understand the pain of feeling displaced when a parent remarries but that is no excuse for her horrible behavior.

I'm so disgusted by your husband, OP. His turnaround regarding another child is a huge betrayal, and his failure to discipline and reprimand his daughter for her inexcusably inking and disrespectful behavior is nearly as bad.

When you said you'd like yo have a glass of wine, I totally wanted to join you and the PP. I have a 21 year old stepdaughter and I am so, so, so exhausted from tiptoeing around her moods and her horrible behavior. There's only so much "water off a duck's back" that I can take. I thoroughly dislike her. I do love her, though, if not in feelings, in deeds. I have been very good to her, much much more than she deserves, and I do it as part of my bow to love my husband in actions. She doesn't owe me anything and I try to let go of expecting anything from her, even common decency. But my DH has been a huge disappointment in this regard. When we were dating he was clearly a devoted dad and seemed like a good disciplinarian. He is devoted but to him that means saying yes and playing nice and avoiding any conflict with her whatsoever, to her detriment and to the wreckage of our marriage.

I'm sorry you have been treated so shabbily here but glad a few others have joined in support. You sound like a really kind person and I hope you can have a baby of your own. You will be a great mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the Nord PP who you wanted to get a glass of wine with.

How are you doing today? How was your weekend?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your hardships. It sounds very difficult.

Ultimately, I don't think things will really improve until your DH starts parenting his daughter better. The inappropriate conversation at age 14 was a red flag, indicating that he and her mother need to step up and address her feelings about the divorce, remarriage, and potential baby. But they did not provide their daughter with the appropriate parenting she needed. And you are paying the price.

[Anonymous]

I was your stepdaughter a long time ago. I loved my stepmom but I was terrified of she and my dad having new kids. I felt the Cinderella story was going to happen to me. The fear was not rational but was real. I talked to her and she was sweet and understanding, she told me what I needed to hear. That I was not going to loose them in any case. I loved her even more after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the Nord PP who you wanted to get a glass of wine with.

How are you doing today? How was your weekend?

It means SO much that you asked (and I'm also so grateful to everyone who weighed in with support and similar stories. THANK YOU).

It was a tough weekend because of the weather and such close quarters. I was already on edge emotionally because of the post and all the thinking I'd been doing. I was feeling pretty hurt by my husband's decisions and (in)actions, even though for him it would have seemed to come out of the blue (it has been a long time since we talked about anything related to us having kids, to his parenting techniques, to my step-daughter's attitudes towards me).

I tried to stay calm and friendly and I think I did a pretty good job. But I was the one to shovel the driveway, the walk, clean off the cars (we have two), venture out, get food, etc. He never asks his daughter to do anything at home and I suppose because of the history she had of being so mean to me over the past two years, I've been pretty critical (inside - never expressed it to anyone ever, except on this forum) about how little she contributes. In fact, she contributes zero to the running of the house. My husband or I prepare every meal, clean every dish. She does her own laundry, but never does any chores that contribute to the common good.

Anyway, while I was shoveling there was a cacophony of noise on our street - ltierally 8 out of 10 neighbors were out shoveling and smashing through that thick layer of ice. If, like me, you live on the shady side of the street, you know if was HARD work. Anyway, apparently the noise disturbed my step daughter who was still in bed at 12:00 noon. She came down screaming to her dad that I was making too much noise and that she wanted to go back to her mom's. That she hated it at our house and that she can do whatever she wants and leave when she wants.

My husband values his time with her as she is leaving for college in the fall (presumably she will live on campus, because she's only applying to schools out of state). He came outside and told me to stop shoveling. I have to say that I was seething inside. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. And I was really gunned that he would think that someone sleeping past noon is entitled to run things. Not to mention the fact that even if I stopped shoveling and chipping at the ice our neighbors across the street, to our right and to our left were all still shoveling. It didn't make any sense.

I did quit and came inside in the interest of harmony, but inside I was really just at my wit's end. I hate to admit but both saturday and sunday nights I grabbed a bottle of vodka and chugged it so that I could pass out. This is the first and only time I've ever self-medicated with alcohol or any drug. I'm fortunate not to have any kind of addiction problems (though people in my family do, so I don't say that lightly).

Today I woke up totally hung over and miserable and sad and re-read much of this thread. Everyone who posted something kind - you helped me today. And people who suggested speaking with a therapist are right. I'm angry at my husband, my stepkid and myself too. I tried to find a provider through BCBS PPO who will take new patients, but so far I've struck out. I think she's going back to her mom's tonight and if I have the guts I'll take this time to speak to my husband. In the meantime I'm going to force myself to hit the gym after work. A workout always makes me feel better.

Thank you guys who care for caring!

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. Expect this to be the first of many conversations. You are reversing several years of learned behavior, so it will take time to re-teach your DH and DSD to treat you in a better way.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, I'm so glad you updated and, wow, what an awful feeling from this weekend. I'm 7:51 above and I too have stuffed down so many feelings of rage at my husband for giving in to his daughter's unreasonable moody requests. (My drug of choice is food, not vodka, but it's equally destructive for me.)

Are you conflict avoidant in general or do you fear repurcussions for standing up for yourself with DH? This might be something to explore in individual therapy. Your example above is so outrageous and so unreasonable that it's hard to understand why you didn't speak up immediately, either saying, "Sven, that's unreasonable. It's past noon and I need to get the shoveling done" or "This is the best time for me to shovel. Will she be willing to finish once she gets out of bed? If not, I need to finish now." I wonder why you avoid standing up for yourself. I am not condemning you - I stuff a lot of rage to avoid conflict because my DH is totally incapable of handling conflict, and I am trying to keep some peace for my child, but there's a huge cost to my health and stress level.

I don't know if I could have stayed in the marriage with my home not feeling like my home, my anger and stress at being so disrespected, if I also had to give up my dream of a child, too. It sounds like you are starting to resign yourself to this fate and I just desperately, desperately hope that you will not give up this dream for yourself in exchange for a marriage in which you do not feel free to even talk back to your husband about something like the snow shoveling incident and are now even drinking to block out the bad feelings. It scares me for you and I am rooting for your happiness.

As others have mentioned, STEPMONSTER was really helpful to me in letting go of any expectations that things will get better with my DSD. They have not, even though she is "grown up" now. How will you feel about your life if you give up any chance of motherhood and things never get better with your DH regarding your DSD's role in your life? What if she continues this manipulation regarding paying for college or visiting during college, supporting her beyond college, attending her wedding, seeing grandchildren...threatening to withdraw her affections to her mom only if you and your DH don't dance to her unreasonable tune? If your DH doesn't get any better at this, and your DSD is incapable or unwilling to be more reasonable as she ages, is that worth giving up a chance for a child of your own?

[Anonymous]

Your SD is a bitch. And your DH is doing nothing to help. In the end he is hurting way more than she is hurting you, but that is for her future spouse to deal with.

Please stop holding it all in. Please talk to someone, first a therapist and then your husband. Please stop just silently accepting things. It is not good for you or anyone else who may join your family in the future.

You are strong to bear so much, but this miserable state cannot continue. Don't pick up that bottle again, please.

--signed the daughter of a mother much like you

[Anonymous]

Oh jeez, OP. Your weekend sounds like a caricature of a blended family. I feel like reading your update was like reading a tweaked version of Cinderella. Is there an evil cat involved? Did any mice make you a dress??

I'm the glass-of-wine PP. Do you and your husband have areas of conflict other that DSD? That is to say, when she moves out to attend school, do you anticipate these daily conflicts going away? I assume there will still be conflict related to her phoning home for money, assuming he will fly her around places or whatever other wants she has as a college student - strongly suggest that you guys have a conversation (just the two of you) about what kind of support you will and will not provide her while she's in college, what conditions (if any) will be attached to that support and how decisions about changing the agreement will be made. Once you've got an agreement, it will need to get communicated to DSD. Under normal circumstances, I would say that this is your husband's responsibility, but at this point, I am kind of doubtful that you can rely on him to do that. Perhaps you can have a family conversation?

My point is, if this is really the only area of conflict, can you practice some good old fashioned avoidance about DSD until she goes away to school? I'm sure 6 months feels like a long time, but in reality, it's not that long and if this is the only problem area, it might not be worth upsetting the apple cart over something that will naturally conclude in less than a year.

I think you should definitely speak to your husband about the baby situation. Like I said last week, I was the one who changed my mind about second baby, and to be honest, it was one of the main things that destroyed my first marriage. I am happily remarried, but I learned so much from my divorce about how to be in a good relationship and communicate well. I would hate for you and your DH to have to learn those lessons the way I did.

Hang in there. If you actually want to get that glass of wine, let me know how to get in touch and we can see if we can make it happen. In the meantime, your DSD is Norwegian, right? Norwegians know about snow. She can shovel next time.

[Anonymous]

OP, your situation really sucks but I am struck by your husband's behavior mostly. I married someone with 2 kids and in hindsight, I was quite naive about how things would be. I often feel like I have no say or control of what goes on even in my own house as it relates to my stepkids. However, the saving grace is that my husband adores and respects and goes out of his way to also make sure I am happy too. If he didn't and was unreasonable as it relates to having kids or not acknowledging when a situation is unfair or unreasonable as it relates to his kids and their schedule, requests, behavior or whatever, I would have divorced him a long time ago. Make sure that everything is good between you and your husband. The stepdaughter will hopefully eventually mature and grow up and build her own life but if your DH continues to put her first and it affects your life, finances, future regarding children, etc then I would seriously consider getting out.

[Anonymous]

You say you love him, but really, what is there to love here?