Tough situation with stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

I am a step mother of 2, have one child with my husband which was followed by 2 miscarriages. OP, I really sympathize with all of your feelings. Just because you are united by marriage doesn't mean that the maternal love starts pouring out of you! I found it VERY tough for several years to love my stepchildren. I was called lots of things, many worse than BITCH. It is soooo hard.

For our family, having a child together was the best thing that happened for the unity of the entire family. The older kids are the best with DS; we never, ever used the HALF-Brother term, and through all of this, it actually helped nurture the love for my stepchildren that I have now... seeing them love and attend to their little brother.

I am not sure if having a child is on the table for you and your husband, but I thought it might help to hear from someone who had a positive experience with bringing a half-sibling in to the mix!

Hang in there, things will work out as long as you are true to yourself and honest about your wants and needs to your husband (because no one else will advocate for you!)

One last thing..
Yes, your SD was being immature and selfish to ask you to not have a child of your own. However, that is just what 14 y.o.'s specialize in. I should know because I have one myself now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering what sort of a father your DH is--how involved is he? Was your step-daughter living with you full-time? (I'm assuming she's not living with you now, right?)

He's really hands off (he's from a different culture and isn't as involved as, let's say, my brothers or my guy friends are in their kids' lives).

She started school in a different country and was a year behind, so she's still in high school - she stays with us about half the time (it's her decision, she's pretty autonomous about her schedule).

A high school girl living with you half the time deserves a supportive father and a loving stepmother. I can't imagine if my kid was in this situation so it's hard for me to be super empathatic. She was a teenager, op. I'm sure you did some unlovable things as a teenager. What if your parents hadn't forgiven you? And really isn't it understandable that she didn't want her dad to have another child at that age?

This sounds like something you really, really should have ironed out before marrying this man and becoming a parent to this child. But because it's too late for that you have to come to terms with what happened and decide if you can live without having a child of your own. I couldn't and that's why I didn't marry a much older man with children in their teens. You have to be realistic here.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say that you should leave, but I would say that you need to seriously explore some different future scenarios here. What if... your SD continues to be a person you despise, despite your efforts, and your DH continues to accept that behavior and not draw any boundaries? Won't you be very VERY bitter you did not have your own child? ...What if.... your DH were able to articulate some ground rules and SD rejected them (and him and you)? Won't he be very angry at you? ....What if... you and your DH have another issue (money is a likely one) about SD and it can't be resolved?

I hope that SD matures, you can let go of her hurtful behavior, you all grow closer over time. But I think you need to imagine what if this isn't how the story ends and consider that seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was the 14yo with a new step-father. It was a different situation, but this is what my perspective was in the way it might shed some light for you, since you said you don't want to divorce.

Our bio dad didn't pay us any attention. Our step-dad's bio kids didn't pay him any attention. I really wanted a relationship with him, but he couldn't get past the fact that I, and siblings, weren't his bio kids. I felt like he was the adult, and when he couldn't just love the people who wanted his love, regardless of "convention." I just gave up on him. But, how sad.

He is now divorced and alone, and frankly, I feel like that was his choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You titled this post "tough situation with stepdaughter," but this isn't really about your stepdaughter at all. Have you tried individual therapy to work through some of your feelings about all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a step mother of 2, have one child with my husband which was followed by 2 miscarriages. OP, I really sympathize with all of your feelings. Just because you are united by marriage doesn't mean that the maternal love starts pouring out of you! I found it VERY tough for several years to love my stepchildren. I was called lots of things, many worse than BITCH. It is soooo hard.

For our family, having a child together was the best thing that happened for the unity of the entire family. The older kids are the best with DS; we never, ever used the HALF-Brother term, and through all of this, it actually helped nurture the love for my stepchildren that I have now... seeing them love and attend to their little brother.

I am not sure if having a child is on the table for you and your husband, but I thought it might help to hear from someone who had a positive experience with bringing a half-sibling in to the mix!

Hang in there, things will work out as long as you are true to yourself and honest about your wants and needs to your husband (because no one else will advocate for you!)

One last thing..
Yes, your SD was being immature and selfish to ask you to not have a child of your own. However, that is just what 14 y.o.'s specialize in. I should know because I have one myself now!

Thank you. I'm so sorry for what you went through with the miscarriages and I'm so happy for you that things have worked out so well. That's wonderful. And thanks for sharing your experience with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was the 14yo with a new step-father. It was a different situation, but this is what my perspective was in the way it might shed some light for you, since you said you don't want to divorce.

Our bio dad didn't pay us any attention. Our step-dad's bio kids didn't pay him any attention. I really wanted a relationship with him, but he couldn't get past the fact that I, and siblings, weren't his bio kids. I felt like he was the adult, and when he couldn't just love the people who wanted his love, regardless of "convention." I just gave up on him. But, how sad.

He is now divorced and alone, and frankly, I feel like that was his choice.

Gosh, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate it very much.

[Anonymous]

OP what do you see in this man? Is he rich?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You titled this post "tough situation with stepdaughter," but this isn't really about your stepdaughter at all. Have you tried individual therapy to work through some of your feelings about all of this?

Thanks - I haven't tried individual therapy. I know I should. Can I just say though, that it really has been a tough situation with her. I've been living with someone who calls me a bitch, who dumps my clean laundry on the floor, who gives elaborate christmas gifts to her father in front of me and gives me nothing - all i'm saying is that it's tough to live with someone, even if she's a teenager and shouldn't be held to an adult's standards of decency - and then just be all smiles and sunshine when she realizes you're no longer going to have a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what do you see in this man? Is he rich?

Maybe you're being snarky, but I will answer: no he's not rich. He went through a tough divorce, which is a financial strain on almost everyone who goes through it. I made some wise investments early on, have a great career and would be 100% fine on my own.

What do I see in him? I love him. It's hard to explain love. He's got plenty of faults and so do I. But i can't imagine not being in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You titled this post "tough situation with stepdaughter," but this isn't really about your stepdaughter at all. Have you tried individual therapy to work through some of your feelings about all of this?

Thanks - I haven't tried individual therapy. I know I should. Can I just say though, that it really has been a tough situation with her. I've been living with someone who calls me a bitch, who dumps my clean laundry on the floor, who gives elaborate christmas gifts to her father in front of me and gives me nothing - all i'm saying is that it's tough to live with someone, even if she's a teenager and shouldn't be held to an adult's standards of decency - and then just be all smiles and sunshine when she realizes you're no longer going to have a child?

Her DH should be all over her actual behavior. Dump the laundry on the floor with no consequences? Uh uh. She can be grumpy and be in a bad mood, but she doesn't get to behave like a gorilla. You do need to talk to DH about it - but I would make sure to limit the conversations to ONLY her actions, not her intentions or motivations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You titled this post "tough situation with stepdaughter," but this isn't really about your stepdaughter at all. Have you tried individual therapy to work through some of your feelings about all of this?

Thanks - I haven't tried individual therapy. I know I should. Can I just say though, that it really has been a tough situation with her. I've been living with someone who calls me a bitch, who dumps my clean laundry on the floor, who gives elaborate christmas gifts to her father in front of me and gives me nothing - all i'm saying is that it's tough to live with someone, even if she's a teenager and shouldn't be held to an adult's standards of decency - and then just be all smiles and sunshine when she realizes you're no longer going to have a child?

Her DH should be all over her actual behavior. Dump the laundry on the floor with no consequences? Uh uh. She can be grumpy and be in a bad mood, but she doesn't get to behave like a gorilla. You do need to talk to DH about it - but I would make sure to limit the conversations to ONLY her actions, not her intentions or motivations.

Apologies - I used present tense. She DID those things, but she doesn't anymore. She's basically a pleasant person to be around now, with the average ups and downs of a high school senior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what do you see in this man? Is he rich?

Maybe you're being snarky, but I will answer: no he's not rich. He went through a tough divorce, which is a financial strain on almost everyone who goes through it. I made some wise investments early on, have a great career and would be 100% fine on my own.

What do I see in him? I love him. It's hard to explain love. He's got plenty of faults and so do I. But i can't imagine not being in his life.

I was being serious.
He is not parenting or involved with his current child.
He lied to you about wanting a child.
He let's his kid treat you like crap.
He is hands off as a parent.
He refuses marriage counselling.

Truly wondering what good there is there?

[Anonymous]

Your DH is doing a terrible job parenting her, and you are constantly dealing with the consequences. You need to talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You titled this post "tough situation with stepdaughter," but this isn't really about your stepdaughter at all. Have you tried individual therapy to work through some of your feelings about all of this?

Thanks - I haven't tried individual therapy. I know I should. Can I just say though, that it really has been a tough situation with her. I've been living with someone who calls me a bitch, who dumps my clean laundry on the floor, who gives elaborate christmas gifts to her father in front of me and gives me nothing - all i'm saying is that it's tough to live with someone, even if she's a teenager and shouldn't be held to an adult's standards of decency - and then just be all smiles and sunshine when she realizes you're no longer going to have a child?

It must be very difficult, I know. I can't imagine how that would feel, especially when you were also miserable from a miscarriage.

I'm just saying you might find it helpful to talk with a therapist about your feelings, because from what you've written, this seems less about your stepdaughter than about some other things.