Tough situation with stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

She has been healing for 2+ years, being merely civil and quiet. Seriously, you think that is fair to the child involved? I am sorry, but that is way, way, way selfish.

I think it's been five years. Her SD was 14 and is now 19.

What should she do fake happy feelings????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

She has been healing for 2+ years, being merely civil and quiet. Seriously, you think that is fair to the child involved? I am sorry, but that is way, way, way selfish.

Just to clarify, I am the OP. I didn't say I was always quiet and civil, I just said that I was that way at the least. There are times when it's hard for me to feel okay around her. And to clarify the timeline, she was 16 when I got pregnant and treated me unkindly for a little more than 2 years after that. So yes, I've been healing from the miscarriage, but the actual change in her attitude towards me is pretty fresh. And I was asking for help and support on how to move forward - to just put everything in her and my relationship fresh. It's hard for me. I'm not perfect. Clearly. Which is why I'm asking for help, not criticism (or at the very least constructive criticism).

Thank you for clarifying the timeline, OP.

[Anonymous]

She sounds very self-involved. My SIL was like this when we got married. But she grew up to be a really thoughtful and kind person. Some people just need time to get over all the angst and drama of adolescence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

She has been healing for 2+ years, being merely civil and quiet. Seriously, you think that is fair to the child involved? I am sorry, but that is way, way, way selfish.

You obviously have a child and are not grieving the child you will never have (birth or adoption). OP is hurting as she wants a child. Her husband agreed to a child and then changed his mind after she suffered a terrible loss. It is her husband's job to parent his daughter and show her that he can love her and a new child and both are welcomed and wanted in their family. If her husband does not support her, how can one expect his daughter who is probably also picking up on his emotions. We had a lot of difficulty becoming parents and it took many years.. I understand that heartache and it isn't something one can just turn off.

[Anonymous]

What if you both talked to someone together? You and SD. Or spend more time with her trying to get to know her better? How would she react now to the pain that you felt back then? Meaning, If you told her that you were sad because you were thinking about the baby. See what she would say now. She may surprise you and feel differently and be able to say how sorry she is that you are hurting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She sounds very self-involved. My SIL was like this when we got married. But she grew up to be a really thoughtful and kind person. Some people just need time to get over all the angst and drama of adolescence.

Well, 16 year olds are pretty much known for that. I can completely understand why a 16 year old would not want her dad to have another kid. I am guessing you are much younger, OP? I never say this, but this sounds like an issue that you should really have figured out before marriage - if you could handle being a stepmom to a teenager, and if your husband wanted more kids. You need to go to therapy and figure the latter issue out immediately. You are blaming your stepdaughter for your loss, which I guess is understandable, if not fair. You should be angry at your husband.

[Anonymous]

Wow...I am furious with your husband! I don't believe in trying to convince people to have children they don't want, but how awful to wait until a miscarriage to tell you he didn't want anymore. That's awful. It's another loss (loss of anticipation and the life you envisioned) on top of the miscarriage. I can't help but think that if you and your husband had tried again successfully, your stepdaughter would probably have gotten over it as she got older and into her life, and all would have been well. And if your stepdaughter felt that strongly when you got married, your husband should have discussed it with her so she wouldn't have been blindsided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow...I am furious with your husband! I don't believe in trying to convince people to have children they don't want, but how awful to wait until a miscarriage to tell you he didn't want anymore. That's awful. It's another loss (loss of anticipation and the life you envisioned) on top of the miscarriage. I can't help but think that if you and your husband had tried again successfully, your stepdaughter would probably have gotten over it as she got older and into her life, and all would have been well. And if your stepdaughter felt that strongly when you got married, your husband should have discussed it with her so she wouldn't have been blindsided.

I don't think it's fair to assume that the husband knew he didn't want more kids and kept it a secret until after the miscarriage. It's entirely possible that he was on board but not as enthusiastic (as OP said in her original post) at first, and when she got pregnant and then miscarried he suddenly realized his dread at the new child being a reality and relief when the miscarriage happened. If this is how it happened, does her husband owe it to her to have another child just because the OP had a miscarriage, even if he now realizes he really doesn't want a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

She has been healing for 2+ years, being merely civil and quiet. Seriously, you think that is fair to the child involved? I am sorry, but that is way, way, way selfish.

Just to clarify, I am the OP. I didn't say I was always quiet and civil, I just said that I was that way at the least. There are times when it's hard for me to feel okay around her. And to clarify the timeline, she was 16 when I got pregnant and treated me unkindly for a little more than 2 years after that. So yes, I've been healing from the miscarriage, but the actual change in her attitude towards me is pretty fresh. And I was asking for help and support on how to move forward - to just put everything in her and my relationship fresh. It's hard for me. I'm not perfect. Clearly. Which is why I'm asking for help, not criticism (or at the very least constructive criticism).

Lots of people have offered perspectives so far, is any of it resonating with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was 14 at the time, now she's 19.

I'm not taking out my frustrations with him on her, at least I don't think I have. I'm quiet and civil at the very least with her - just not close or warm as much as we were before.

First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss.

You can't hold this against her. You just can't. She wasn't an adult, she had no maturity, she took this solely through the lens of how it affected her. If anyone, you should be made at your DH if he didn't step in to manage the bad behavior…not to mention if he never clarified that your having children was in no way a decision she had any say in.

She was selfish because she was a child, she acted out…but this is ultimately a you and your husband issue. And it is likely as much a function of your grief over your loss and your DH's change of heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow...I am furious with your husband! I don't believe in trying to convince people to have children they don't want, but how awful to wait until a miscarriage to tell you he didn't want anymore. That's awful. It's another loss (loss of anticipation and the life you envisioned) on top of the miscarriage. I can't help but think that if you and your husband had tried again successfully, your stepdaughter would probably have gotten over it as she got older and into her life, and all would have been well. And if your stepdaughter felt that strongly when you got married, your husband should have discussed it with her so she wouldn't have been blindsided.

Sure, I'm angry with him. I feel hurt and I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. He strung me along for almost 2 years saying we would try again before being honest with me. But the truth is that I'm married to him and don't want to divorce. as much as I wanted a child, I'd choose to stay in my marriage. He is selfish in a lot of ways but I guess I accept that about him.

And as I write this I know if I accept his flaws I should accept my stepdaughter's too. But it's different to be treated overtly meanly by someone (she'd call me "bitch" under hear breath, etc) and move forward from that than it is to move forward with someone who has been loving and never mean.

I hope some of the above makes sense. It has been a rough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow...I am furious with your husband! I don't believe in trying to convince people to have children they don't want, but how awful to wait until a miscarriage to tell you he didn't want anymore. That's awful. It's another loss (loss of anticipation and the life you envisioned) on top of the miscarriage. I can't help but think that if you and your husband had tried again successfully, your stepdaughter would probably have gotten over it as she got older and into her life, and all would have been well. And if your stepdaughter felt that strongly when you got married, your husband should have discussed it with her so she wouldn't have been blindsided.

Sure, I'm angry with him. I feel hurt and I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. He strung me along for almost 2 years saying we would try again before being honest with me. But the truth is that I'm married to him and don't want to divorce. as much as I wanted a child, I'd choose to stay in my marriage. He is selfish in a lot of ways but I guess I accept that about him.

And as I write this I know if I accept his flaws I should accept my stepdaughter's too. But it's different to be treated overtly meanly by someone (she'd call me "bitch" under hear breath, etc) and move forward from that than it is to move forward with someone who has been loving and never mean.

I hope some of the above makes sense. It has been a rough time.

Again, OP, you're holding a teenager to an adult's standard of emotional conduct. It's fine to tell a teenager that she's behaving poorly, and even to impose consequences, but it's not fair to hold it against her that she's acting her age, rather than how you'd like her to act. Some counseling might be really good for you.

[Anonymous]

If you really want a child then perhaps divorce? This does not sound like a healthy dynamic at all. Therapy for you to figure out what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

She has been healing for 2+ years, being merely civil and quiet. Seriously, you think that is fair to the child involved? I am sorry, but that is way, way, way selfish.

Just to clarify, I am the OP. I didn't say I was always quiet and civil, I just said that I was that way at the least. There are times when it's hard for me to feel okay around her. And to clarify the timeline, she was 16 when I got pregnant and treated me unkindly for a little more than 2 years after that. So yes, I've been healing from the miscarriage, but the actual change in her attitude towards me is pretty fresh. And I was asking for help and support on how to move forward - to just put everything in her and my relationship fresh. It's hard for me. I'm not perfect. Clearly. Which is why I'm asking for help, not criticism (or at the very least constructive criticism).

Lots of people have offered perspectives so far, is any of it resonating with you?

Thank you so much for asking. Yes, a lot of the supportive messages are resonating. People are right that I shouldn't hold a grudge against her. And people are right that I need to address this more with my husband - and maybe also have a conversation with my stepdaughter.

Honestly? I'm afraid to address it with either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow...I am furious with your husband! I don't believe in trying to convince people to have children they don't want, but how awful to wait until a miscarriage to tell you he didn't want anymore. That's awful. It's another loss (loss of anticipation and the life you envisioned) on top of the miscarriage. I can't help but think that if you and your husband had tried again successfully, your stepdaughter would probably have gotten over it as she got older and into her life, and all would have been well. And if your stepdaughter felt that strongly when you got married, your husband should have discussed it with her so she wouldn't have been blindsided.

Sure, I'm angry with him. I feel hurt and I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. He strung me along for almost 2 years saying we would try again before being honest with me. But the truth is that I'm married to him and don't want to divorce. as much as I wanted a child, I'd choose to stay in my marriage. He is selfish in a lot of ways but I guess I accept that about him.

And as I write this I know if I accept his flaws I should accept my stepdaughter's too. But it's different to be treated overtly meanly by someone (she'd call me "bitch" under hear breath, etc) and move forward from that than it is to move forward with someone who has been loving and never mean.

I hope some of the above makes sense. It has been a rough time.

Um, if your husband tolerated your stepdaughter calling you a bitch under her breath, that is far from loving. I have two teen stepsons and we get along pretty well thank goodness, but I know my husband would never ever tolerate them even being slightly rude to me. Your husband is the problem in the situation.