Tough situation with stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

Please disregard this comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

That's mean. Wow. You're a bitter person.

No, not bitter. But I have two kids whom I love, and if their father married a woman who "disliked" them for behaving childishly when they were children and thus was "quiet and civil" when they were forced to spend time with her I would be FURIOUS and heartbroken for my child. Having a miscarriage does not excuse behaving like a child toward a child to whom you are supposed to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That must be really difficult for you. I would sit down with your husband and let him know how important it is to you to have a child. My husband has older kids like our situation too so he was on the fence about having more, given his divorce situation but he agreed, we had one and its been wonderful for both of us. He far more enjoys parenting now, than he did before given he is older and in a better place financially. I don't think I could have been happy if he said no.

As for your stepdaughter, find a way to let it go. She is young and worried about feeling replaced. Having our dad remarry with a new family is hard as you don't know where you fit in. Dad needs to be reassuring that their relationship would not change and he loves her regardless.

Thank you. You're right. I really appreciate your input.

[Anonymous]

I think you should forgive her and move forward. She was in the midst of puberty and all that entails. At around 16 kids start developing congnitively to be able to understand and empathize with others. Your expectation that a 14yo would understand your feelings about miscarrying are unrealistic, especially since you KNOW she is threatened by the appearance of another baby.

Those of us who have grown up as the apple of a parent's eye do take it too far sometimes, but we learn our place and are better for it. We are not bad people necessarily. Just figuring things out. I would hate it if someone I loved held my adolescent mistakes against me, especially someone who I thought was mature and had more perspective.

I think you need to talk things over with your husband, work through your feelings about having children or not, without making any comments about your SD. A separate conversation about SD might need to be had about her role in decision-making, but I doubt that's just about having another kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

That's mean. Wow. You're a bitter person.

No, not bitter. But I have two kids whom I love, and if their father married a woman who "disliked" them for behaving childishly when they were children and thus was "quiet and civil" when they were forced to spend time with her I would be FURIOUS and heartbroken for my child. Having a miscarriage does not excuse behaving like a child toward a child to whom you are supposed to be a parent.

PP I thought it was mean to declare her "unfit for motherhood". Mean and rude - have you ever had a miscarriage? Try showing her some compassion.

OP, focus on the messages of support. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

That's mean. Wow. You're a bitter person.

No, not bitter. But I have two kids whom I love, and if their father married a woman who "disliked" them for behaving childishly when they were children and thus was "quiet and civil" when they were forced to spend time with her I would be FURIOUS and heartbroken for my child. Having a miscarriage does not excuse behaving like a child toward a child to whom you are supposed to be a parent.

PP I thought it was mean to declare her "unfit for motherhood". Mean and rude - have you ever had a miscarriage? Try showing her some compassion.

OP, focus on the messages of support. Hugs to you.

I have indeed had a miscarriage. And I do indeed believe that a stepmother, who signed up to be a stepmother, and was quiet and civil only to her step daughter for two years, from 14-16, and "dislikes" her stepdaughter, may indeed be unfit for motherhood. I give zero f&cks if you think that is mean.

[Anonymous]

You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

She has been healing for 2+ years, being merely civil and quiet. Seriously, you think that is fair to the child involved? I am sorry, but that is way, way, way selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

She has been healing for 2+ years, being merely civil and quiet. Seriously, you think that is fair to the child involved? I am sorry, but that is way, way, way selfish.

I think it's been five years. Her SD was 14 and is now 19.

[Anonymous]

I think anyone with a miscarriage has many feelings of anger and that is part of the grieving process. I also know from first-hand experience much of what people do "to help," can really hurt; to say nothing of someone (albeit a kid) being cruel. You need to find a way to acknowledge the pain and sadness of the miscarriage without taking offense and anger at the situation.

That said, I think you and DH would benefit from marriage counseling immediately. First, you need to decide if you want a child and if he's not the right partner for you, you need to know that now and so does he.

Second, you and he both need a way to put yourselves first. If you cannot do that, whether or not the issue with having another child is resolved, you are both giving SD enormous control over your lives. You should discuss this. It may be that your DH simply can't stand up to her because of guilt or simply because he loves her and won't draw boundaries; if that's the case, you need to accept that or move on.

Finally, I think that deep in your heart you want him to choose you over her. He will probably not want to make that choice and it's going to create a bad feeling in him if you press that choice. I'd bet he loves you both. I'd imagine you want to find ways as a couple in which he is not choosing between the two of you and some of that is going to require him drawing some boundaries but some of that is going to require you not pushing him to choose.

[Anonymous]

OP you will make a great mom. The PP is a nutcase with no feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

That's mean. Wow. You're a bitter person.

No, not bitter. But I have two kids whom I love, and if their father married a woman who "disliked" them for behaving childishly when they were children and thus was "quiet and civil" when they were forced to spend time with her I would be FURIOUS and heartbroken for my child. Having a miscarriage does not excuse behaving like a child toward a child to whom you are supposed to be a parent.

PP I thought it was mean to declare her "unfit for motherhood". Mean and rude - have you ever had a miscarriage? Try showing her some compassion.

OP, focus on the messages of support. Hugs to you.

I have indeed had a miscarriage. And I do indeed believe that a stepmother, who signed up to be a stepmother, and was quiet and civil only to her step daughter for two years, from 14-16, and "dislikes" her stepdaughter, may indeed be unfit for motherhood. I give zero f&cks if you think that is mean.

Who are you to judge who is fit/unfit for motherhood? Maybe STEPmotherhood turned out to be something OP is not cut out for, but give me a break. Not many people will unconditionally love a 14 year old as a mother would. It's just a fact of life. Divorce sucks.

[Anonymous]

WTF?? 19 why do you people keep calling her a kid???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

That's mean. Wow. You're a bitter person.

No, not bitter. But I have two kids whom I love, and if their father married a woman who "disliked" them for behaving childishly when they were children and thus was "quiet and civil" when they were forced to spend time with her I would be FURIOUS and heartbroken for my child. Having a miscarriage does not excuse behaving like a child toward a child to whom you are supposed to be a parent.

PP I thought it was mean to declare her "unfit for motherhood". Mean and rude - have you ever had a miscarriage? Try showing her some compassion.

OP, focus on the messages of support. Hugs to you.

I have indeed had a miscarriage. And I do indeed believe that a stepmother, who signed up to be a stepmother, and was quiet and civil only to her step daughter for two years, from 14-16, and "dislikes" her stepdaughter, may indeed be unfit for motherhood. I give zero f&cks if you think that is mean.

Who are you to judge who is fit/unfit for motherhood? Maybe STEPmotherhood turned out to be something OP is not cut out for, but give me a break. Not many people will unconditionally love a 14 year old as a mother would. It's just a fact of life. Divorce sucks.

then don't marry a man with a teenaged child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are still healing OP. Give yourself sometime and you will start to love again. I feel really sorry for you. <<hugs>> Anger is part of the grieving process.

Talk to your DH about how much it means to you. The three of you are in a different place now then you were back then. She will be moving out soon and that may change things for her. Hang in there.

She has been healing for 2+ years, being merely civil and quiet. Seriously, you think that is fair to the child involved? I am sorry, but that is way, way, way selfish.

Just to clarify, I am the OP. I didn't say I was always quiet and civil, I just said that I was that way at the least. There are times when it's hard for me to feel okay around her. And to clarify the timeline, she was 16 when I got pregnant and treated me unkindly for a little more than 2 years after that. So yes, I've been healing from the miscarriage, but the actual change in her attitude towards me is pretty fresh. And I was asking for help and support on how to move forward - to just put everything in her and my relationship fresh. It's hard for me. I'm not perfect. Clearly. Which is why I'm asking for help, not criticism (or at the very least constructive criticism).