Tough situation with stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. Expect this to be the first of many conversations. You are reversing several years of learned behavior, so it will take time to re-teach your DH and DSD to treat you in a better way.

+1000 You seem so trapped, OP. Fight your way out of this depressing lifestyle and lay down some new house rules. And hopefully after you've gotten stronger, you can pursue motherhood on your terms.

Also, as a PP mentioned, you should be prepared for a lot of dependence on your husband by your stepdaughter once she goes to college since she doesn't seem to be independent enough.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't posted before but just read the whole thread, including.your update. Wow. First, I'm so sorry for the position you're in. Your SD is so far out of line but I agree with others who say the real problem is your husband. She acts like that because your husband has told her it's okay to treat you like crap. And that is not ok.

I recall being a teenager. I once called my mom a bitch. My dad swooped in so fast and reamed me out. I never did it again. Teenagers are bratty, and it's our job as parents to teach them how to act and demand they treat us with respect. And, parents should be unified in that goal.

Your husband has failed miserably and truly done his daughter a disservice. Honestly, he sounds like a bad father - he's more concerned with his daughter liking him than with actually being her parent.

Not that any of that helps you now. At this point, you are officially a second-class citizen in your own house. And you should not stand for it. Show your SD what it means to be a strong woman and stand up for yourself.

I know someone who did the following and I think she is awesome. She met with a therapist and a divorce attorney by herself (separately). Then, she went to her husband and gave him two business cards - one from the therapist and one from the attorney. She said he could choose which one of those offices to meet her at. God, she had balls and I have all the respect in the world for her.

It sounds like you're starting to see that the anger at your SD in your original.post is misplaced. Honestly, your husband is an ass. What kind of man allows his wife to be treated so shoddily? I know this is hard to hear, but you need to - your husband does not respect you. He does not view you as a partner. He may love you, be nice to you and make you laugh. But he does not respect you as a person. So why would his daughter?

I really hope you find the inner strength to fight for yourself. You are worth it.

[Anonymous]

OP - Make it your priority #1 to find a therapist with BCBS. Otherwise, give the Women's Center in NOVA a call to see if any of there therapists take it or can refer you to someone. Otherwise I think they have a sliding fee scale. It may just be worth it to your health to spend some of the money you earn on this item for yourself. You need support to regain your own identity and self-worth as an adult first of all AND then a strategy for finding "your voice" and viewpoint about how things are with DH. Then moving on to the topics at hand which seem to be SD's continuing disrespectful and resentful behavior to you, her princess-like treatment, and mostly her "crossing the line" in terms of your personal relationship with your DH and you. It is definitely time for house rules of basic behavior and task chores to be set for all three of you - or you must learn to just let go what is inappropriate for you to be doing all of.

How you and your husband handle learning to communicate honestly about your relationship, your desires in his eyes for a family etc. will take a longer time. You may need to be open about what the options might be for yourself. Be sure as in other posting threads that you do have a clear idea of your family's finances and that you would not be left financially high and dry, if you decided on a separation. Right now you are "Cinderella" passive DH and angry SD and so there is something very wrong with this picture.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the PPs who first suggested couples therapy but then, after you said he would not, urged you do it for yourself.

I think you're a bit frozen having gotten used to not rocking the boat and also being a bit terrified of what may come if there are changes. I wouldn't let that habit or fears get in your way. I'd see it as a journey that begins with this one step. I don't know what exactly is in your future, but I'm sure it's better than what you live with now.

[Anonymous]

You are giving your dream of children of your own for THIS? THIS? Do you have an inner need to be treated like shit?

Why? Seriously, why? You deserve 10000% better. There's so many men around.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm very sorry. As other posters have said, there is a lot more to your anger than your stepdaughter's behavior. Based on what you described here, your anger probably comes from not being respected and valued in your family. Your DH is getting his way. Your stepdaughter is getting her way. You are getting...what? The satisfaction of not rocking the boat? You say you are accommodating them for the sake of harmony, but what harmony is there in you seething with rage inside? Aren't you a person? Don't you deserve happiness?

Listen to me. The desire for motherhood in women is very strong and primordial. It often gets ahead of everything - men, money, reason...To give that up, you need to either not want it to begin with, or to have excellent compensations. By way of compensations I mean that a husband who doesn't want children better treat you like a goddess in every sense, be loaded, and keep your feet from touching the ground.

I don't think your husband is treating you that way. Real men don't let women shovel walkways, clean cars etc. as long as they are able-bodied without extenuating circumstances. Your husband, being Nordic, is way better suited for it than you are.

I fear that several years from now, when your reproductive capacity runs out, you will take stock of your life and you will see an uncaring husband, a selfish stepdaughter and your now-barren body...for what? What did you get in exchange for giving up your dream? Do you understand what resentment of that sort will do to you? Glugging vodka doesn't begin to describe it.

Leave. I would.

[Anonymous]

Another stepmom who posted earlier, OP, just thinking of you and hoping you are ok. I know it may be hard to read all this right now. I hope you know it is coming from a good place, from people who see into this small window into your marriage and can see you are a person who is worthy of happiness. We are rooting for you. Please hear the kindness from strangers, not pressure or criticism.

[Anonymous]

Are you certain your miscarriage was natural? SD doesn't sound above poisoning you to keep her precious daddy for herself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm still thinking of you and hope that you're doing better with all this. It's another snow day and I'm hoping you're not the one shoveling!

[Anonymous]

I think your response is normal. And your stepdaughter's, too. You want different things. If you can't get past it, keep putting on a brave front. Also, it's not all on your stepdaughter that your husband reneged on having children. Don't take it out on her, even internally. I think you are furious with him, too, but are focusing on your stepdaughter, because it's easier than realizing what your husband did to your marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've got your head down and are just pushing through all this. You have admirable strength, but you need to use it for self-advocacy as well. You don't get another shot at life, at least in my belief system. This is it, so make the most of it.

Signed, a lady who didn't meet the right guy in time, had a child as a single mom, and is the happiest she's ever been.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I agree with so many of the PPs, you really should think about getting out. I hope you found a good counselor, and that you're working through everything. It will be hard, I'm sure, but it can't possibly be as hard as what you've done so far.

It's a cliche', but my mother repeated it to me often when I was a suddenly single mom of a 6 month old in a foreign country after I left the wrongwrongwrong husband: it's always darkest before dawn.

I now have two teenage boys and a great husband. Hang in there, your dawn will come too.