Tough situation with stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow...I am furious with your husband! I don't believe in trying to convince people to have children they don't want, but how awful to wait until a miscarriage to tell you he didn't want anymore. That's awful. It's another loss (loss of anticipation and the life you envisioned) on top of the miscarriage. I can't help but think that if you and your husband had tried again successfully, your stepdaughter would probably have gotten over it as she got older and into her life, and all would have been well. And if your stepdaughter felt that strongly when you got married, your husband should have discussed it with her so she wouldn't have been blindsided.

Sure, I'm angry with him. I feel hurt and I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. He strung me along for almost 2 years saying we would try again before being honest with me. But the truth is that I'm married to him and don't want to divorce. as much as I wanted a child, I'd choose to stay in my marriage. He is selfish in a lot of ways but I guess I accept that about him.

And as I write this I know if I accept his flaws I should accept my stepdaughter's too. But it's different to be treated overtly meanly by someone (she'd call me "bitch" under hear breath, etc) and move forward from that than it is to move forward with someone who has been loving and never mean.

I hope some of the above makes sense. It has been a rough time.

Again, OP, you're holding a teenager to an adult's standard of emotional conduct. It's fine to tell a teenager that she's behaving poorly, and even to impose consequences, but it's not fair to hold it against her that she's acting her age, rather than how you'd like her to act. Some counseling might be really good for you.

You are right. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

You may want to think of it this way. Since you are ok with not having kids. SD maybe the only chance you have a parenting relationship with anyone. You may want to make the most of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow...I am furious with your husband! I don't believe in trying to convince people to have children they don't want, but how awful to wait until a miscarriage to tell you he didn't want anymore. That's awful. It's another loss (loss of anticipation and the life you envisioned) on top of the miscarriage. I can't help but think that if you and your husband had tried again successfully, your stepdaughter would probably have gotten over it as she got older and into her life, and all would have been well. And if your stepdaughter felt that strongly when you got married, your husband should have discussed it with her so she wouldn't have been blindsided.

Sure, I'm angry with him. I feel hurt and I feel abandoned by him in a lot of ways. He strung me along for almost 2 years saying we would try again before being honest with me. But the truth is that I'm married to him and don't want to divorce. as much as I wanted a child, I'd choose to stay in my marriage. He is selfish in a lot of ways but I guess I accept that about him.

And as I write this I know if I accept his flaws I should accept my stepdaughter's too. But it's different to be treated overtly meanly by someone (she'd call me "bitch" under hear breath, etc) and move forward from that than it is to move forward with someone who has been loving and never mean.

I hope some of the above makes sense. It has been a rough time.

Um, if your husband tolerated your stepdaughter calling you a bitch under her breath, that is far from loving. I have two teen stepsons and we get along pretty well thank goodness, but I know my husband would never ever tolerate them even being slightly rude to me. Your husband is the problem in the situation.

Good point. I agree. He hasn't tried very hard to intervene. No question about that. Though now he is encouraging me to spend time with her, do stuff with her, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That said, I think you and DH would benefit from marriage counseling immediately. First, you need to decide if you want a child and if he's not the right partner for you, you need to know that now and so does he.

Second, you and he both need a way to put yourselves first. If you cannot do that, whether or not the issue with having another child is resolved, you are both giving SD enormous control over your lives. You should discuss this. It may be that your DH simply can't stand up to her because of guilt or simply because he loves her and won't draw boundaries; if that's the case, you need to accept that or move on.

Finally, I think that deep in your heart you want him to choose you over her. He will probably not want to make that choice and it's going to create a bad feeling in him if you press that choice. I'd bet he loves you both. I'd imagine you want to find ways as a couple in which he is not choosing between the two of you and some of that is going to require him drawing some boundaries but some of that is going to require you not pushing him to choose.

I get that OP says she would rather stay in the marriage than have a child, so maybe point #1 doesn't apply, but I think the other two reasons for marriage counseling do apply and would urge it.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering what sort of a father your DH is--how involved is he? Was your step-daughter living with you full-time? (I'm assuming she's not living with you now, right?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That said, I think you and DH would benefit from marriage counseling immediately. First, you need to decide if you want a child and if he's not the right partner for you, you need to know that now and so does he.

Second, you and he both need a way to put yourselves first. If you cannot do that, whether or not the issue with having another child is resolved, you are both giving SD enormous control over your lives. You should discuss this. It may be that your DH simply can't stand up to her because of guilt or simply because he loves her and won't draw boundaries; if that's the case, you need to accept that or move on.

Finally, I think that deep in your heart you want him to choose you over her. He will probably not want to make that choice and it's going to create a bad feeling in him if you press that choice. I'd bet he loves you both. I'd imagine you want to find ways as a couple in which he is not choosing between the two of you and some of that is going to require him drawing some boundaries but some of that is going to require you not pushing him to choose.

I get that OP says she would rather stay in the marriage than have a child, so maybe point #1 doesn't apply, but I think the other two reasons for marriage counseling do apply and would urge it.

I'm sure you're right. It's unlikely though. I've asked him so many times to go talk with someone and he won't do it. I know he sounds like a jerk - he's really not. He's just convinced that we can work things out on our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That said, I think you and DH would benefit from marriage counseling immediately. First, you need to decide if you want a child and if he's not the right partner for you, you need to know that now and so does he.

Second, you and he both need a way to put yourselves first. If you cannot do that, whether or not the issue with having another child is resolved, you are both giving SD enormous control over your lives. You should discuss this. It may be that your DH simply can't stand up to her because of guilt or simply because he loves her and won't draw boundaries; if that's the case, you need to accept that or move on.

Finally, I think that deep in your heart you want him to choose you over her. He will probably not want to make that choice and it's going to create a bad feeling in him if you press that choice. I'd bet he loves you both. I'd imagine you want to find ways as a couple in which he is not choosing between the two of you and some of that is going to require him drawing some boundaries but some of that is going to require you not pushing him to choose.

I get that OP says she would rather stay in the marriage than have a child, so maybe point #1 doesn't apply, but I think the other two reasons for marriage counseling do apply and would urge it.

Then go for individual counseling. You have enough going on here on your own that it could be very valuable.

I'm sure you're right. It's unlikely though. I've asked him so many times to go talk with someone and he won't do it. I know he sounds like a jerk - he's really not. He's just convinced that we can work things out on our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That said, I think you and DH would benefit from marriage counseling immediately. First, you need to decide if you want a child and if he's not the right partner for you, you need to know that now and so does he.

Second, you and he both need a way to put yourselves first. If you cannot do that, whether or not the issue with having another child is resolved, you are both giving SD enormous control over your lives. You should discuss this. It may be that your DH simply can't stand up to her because of guilt or simply because he loves her and won't draw boundaries; if that's the case, you need to accept that or move on.

Finally, I think that deep in your heart you want him to choose you over her. He will probably not want to make that choice and it's going to create a bad feeling in him if you press that choice. I'd bet he loves you both. I'd imagine you want to find ways as a couple in which he is not choosing between the two of you and some of that is going to require him drawing some boundaries but some of that is going to require you not pushing him to choose.

I get that OP says she would rather stay in the marriage than have a child, so maybe point #1 doesn't apply, but I think the other two reasons for marriage counseling do apply and would urge it.

I'm sure you're right. It's unlikely though. I've asked him so many times to go talk with someone and he won't do it. I know he sounds like a jerk - he's really not. He's just convinced that we can work things out on our own.

Ask him to try it with you for some small number (like 3) of times. Tell him you'd like to improve the situation and while you have confidence the situation will get better eventually, you feel it would be good for SD and him and you all for the situation to get better more quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you will make a great mom. The PP is a nutcase with no feelings.

Can I borrow your crystal ball?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That said, I think you and DH would benefit from marriage counseling immediately. First, you need to decide if you want a child and if he's not the right partner for you, you need to know that now and so does he.

Second, you and he both need a way to put yourselves first. If you cannot do that, whether or not the issue with having another child is resolved, you are both giving SD enormous control over your lives. You should discuss this. It may be that your DH simply can't stand up to her because of guilt or simply because he loves her and won't draw boundaries; if that's the case, you need to accept that or move on.

Finally, I think that deep in your heart you want him to choose you over her. He will probably not want to make that choice and it's going to create a bad feeling in him if you press that choice. I'd bet he loves you both. I'd imagine you want to find ways as a couple in which he is not choosing between the two of you and some of that is going to require him drawing some boundaries but some of that is going to require you not pushing him to choose.

I get that OP says she would rather stay in the marriage than have a child, so maybe point #1 doesn't apply, but I think the other two reasons for marriage counseling do apply and would urge it.

I'm sure you're right. It's unlikely though. I've asked him so many times to go talk with someone and he won't do it. I know he sounds like a jerk - he's really not. He's just convinced that we can work things out on our own.

Then go for individual counseling. You have enough going on here on your own that it could be very valuable. [Sorry, I screwed up the previous post]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering what sort of a father your DH is--how involved is he? Was your step-daughter living with you full-time? (I'm assuming she's not living with you now, right?)

He's really hands off (he's from a different culture and isn't as involved as, let's say, my brothers or my guy friends are in their kids' lives).

She started school in a different country and was a year behind, so she's still in high school - she stays with us about half the time (it's her decision, she's pretty autonomous about her schedule).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then go for individual counseling. You have enough going on here on your own that it could be very valuable.

Agree. Just helping yourself get over the pain and sadness of the miscarriage would help; and of course you may find that you learn ways to handle the situation in ways that make you feel better, without involving your DH. (BTW: he doesn't sound like a jerk to me, he sounds like someone trapped between two people he loves and is sort of paralyzed by that.)

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really worried that someday you are going to regret your decision to choose your husband over having a child. It sounds like you really want kids! I have a friend who made the same choice and then ended up divorced anyway. She's been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now with no luck (she's mid-40s) and really regrets that she didn't end things with her ex sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then go for individual counseling. You have enough going on here on your own that it could be very valuable.

Agree. Just helping yourself get over the pain and sadness of the miscarriage would help; and of course you may find that you learn ways to handle the situation in ways that make you feel better, without involving your DH. (BTW: he doesn't sound like a jerk to me, he sounds like someone trapped between two people he loves and is sort of paralyzed by that.)

Thank you. That means a lot. FWIW I'm pretty much over the miscarriage and have worked to accept the fact that I won't have kids (obviously I'm not disregarding the fact I have a stepdaughter, so don't attack me - I'm just saying it's a process to accept the fact that I won't actually have a child of my own).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm really worried that someday you are going to regret your decision to choose your husband over having a child. It sounds like you really want kids! I have a friend who made the same choice and then ended up divorced anyway. She's been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now with no luck (she's mid-40s) and really regrets that she didn't end things with her ex sooner.

Sigh. It's such a tough place to be. I can't predict the future, but I'm not really a "grass is greener" person. I'm trying to stay with him and make our marriage work. Maybe it's a mistake, but I really do feel like he and I will make it.