Tough situation with stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

[Anonymous]

How old is she? How old was she at the time?

Don't take your frustrations with your husband out on her?

[Anonymous]

This isn't about your stepdaughter being a moody teen this is about your DH deciding after the fact he didnt want more children. This is SO not about her OP.

[Anonymous]

She was 14 at the time, now she's 19.

I'm not taking out my frustrations with him on her, at least I don't think I have. I'm quiet and civil at the very least with her - just not close or warm as much as we were before.

[Anonymous]

How old is she now? This answer could give a reason as to how she reacted, but under no circumstance should anyone tell you under no circumstance should you have a child unless it's your doctor. You can thank her for her opinion and that's all she gets.

You need to revisit this with your husband if it means that much to you. If it is very important to you than he needs to hear you out on it.

You have a right to still be hurt, but realize that you will have a very long relationship with her and you now need to work on getting to a good point with her. Depending on her age you may need to explain how long you have wanted a baby for and what her role in the baby's life would be....

[Anonymous]

^^PP here. You maybe coordinating the pain of loosing the baby with her anger and that might be leading you to feel resentment towards her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you're having a difficult time with her right now. Two thoughts:

1) I'm not sure how old she is now, but if she's still living at home with you, she was a child when all of this started. She was a child dealing with the divorce of her parents, her father's remarriage and the possibility of a new child (which triggers in many children the fear of being replaced). She was having very young emotions because she was very young, and you seem to be holding her to an adult standard of both emotional reaction and behavior. It might be easier to warm to her more if you can appreciate where she was coming from and find some compassion for how difficult that time probably was for her. Finding that compassion in no way lessens what you experienced, it's just recognizing that she's her own person with her own emotional life.

2) It's not fair to your stepdaughter to blame her for your husband's change of heart. You acknowledge that he was never really enthused about the idea of another child, so deciding to marry him included the risk that he would never truly get on board and want kids, making it more likely he would change his mind. You need to own your own role in this, in deciding to marry him knowing that he wasn't really looking to have more children. Then, you need to acknowledge your husband's role in this. He is the adult, and he is the one who changed his mind, no matter what the reason. It sounds like you want to blame your stepdaughter for this rather than your husband, because that's easier for your marriage. That's not fair to her at all, and just as you've been holding her (unfairly, IMO) to an adult emotional standard, you need to hold yourself to that standard too.

[Anonymous]

why does she not want you guys to have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about your stepdaughter being a moody teen this is about your DH deciding after the fact he didnt want more children. This is SO not about her OP.

This. I think you have diverted your anger onto her and you may not even know it. I would go talk to a counselor, OP, not because of the SD, but so that you can heal and so you can either forgive DH or not and make some choices. A healthy, whole person would be able to see that SD is a kid who doesn't have such influence on adults and who has no idea what a miscarriage really is about. Work on yourself and your marriage, OP. You are in a lot of pain. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was 14 at the time, now she's 19.

I'm not taking out my frustrations with him on her, at least I don't think I have. I'm quiet and civil at the very least with her - just not close or warm as much as we were before.

So, ragingly passive aggressive? That sounds very mature. Grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make a long story short. After I got married, my stepdaughter took me aside and told me it was important to her that her dad and I not have children. I was pretty shocked. I told her that I understood her feelings, thanked her for being honest with me and didn't say much more (I wasn't prepared at all for that conversation). Her dad and I were planning on having a child. It was something I really wanted - he was less enthusiastic but was on board.

Fast forward two years, I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage early in my second trimester (literally just entered it). Obviously any woman would be bummed and sad when she has a miscarriage, and it hit me REALLY hard. When my stepdaughter found out about the miscarriage and realized I had been pregnant she started being awful to me. I mean awful. Pretty much every rude and dismissive behavior a kid can exhibit to a stepmom. It would have been bad enough to live with someone who is cold, rude and unkind to you, but to have it happen when you're sad after a miscarriage is almost unbearable. It lasted for almost 2 years before she started to thaw a little, then a lot, and now she's back to being sweet, wanting to talk, spend time with me etc.

My problem is that I can't get past it. If I can be honest without having you guys murder me, I just don't like her. I have a hard time liking someone who could treat another person, especially someone who is suffering already, the way she treated me.

I'm trying to be pleasant and friendly with her, but inside I'm still hurting. To add a detail: my husband changed his mind about us having kids and I'm really hurt about that too. She told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want us to "try again" and even though he denies it, I feel like at least part of his decision was based on her wants.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? How did you handle it? How did things pan out for you?

Yeah, you are totally out of line here. She is a child, and she did not ask for a new mom. You are an adult and you married a man with a child. You forced yourself into her life. "Disliking" a child because they don't want further upheaval in their lives and act childishly demonstrates how unfit for motherhood you are, in my view, and that might be part of what is driving your husband's decision. try showing him some mothering instinct.

That's mean. Wow. You're a bitter person.

[Anonymous]

That must be really difficult for you. I would sit down with your husband and let him know how important it is to you to have a child. My husband has older kids like our situation too so he was on the fence about having more, given his divorce situation but he agreed, we had one and its been wonderful for both of us. He far more enjoys parenting now, than he did before given he is older and in a better place financially. I don't think I could have been happy if he said no.

As for your stepdaughter, find a way to let it go. She is young and worried about feeling replaced. Having our dad remarry with a new family is hard as you don't know where you fit in. Dad needs to be reassuring that their relationship would not change and he loves her regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was 14 at the time, now she's 19.

I'm not taking out my frustrations with him on her, at least I don't think I have. I'm quiet and civil at the very least with her - just not close or warm as much as we were before.

If you are withholding from her by being merely civil and quiet rather than warm, you are absolutely taking out your frustrations on her. Withholding can be just as harmful as lashing out.

[Anonymous]

That must be really difficult for you. I would sit down with your husband and let him know how important it is to you to have a child. My husband has older kids like our situation too so he was on the fence about having more, given his divorce situation but he agreed, we had one and its been wonderful for both of us. He far more enjoys parenting now, than he did before given he is older and in a better place financially. I don't think I could have been happy if he said no.

As for your stepdaughter, find a way to let it go. She is young and worried about feeling replaced. Having our dad remarry with a new family is hard as you don't know where you fit in. Dad needs to be reassuring that their relationship would not change and he loves her regardless.