Tough situation with stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what do you see in this man? Is he rich?

Maybe you're being snarky, but I will answer: no he's not rich. He went through a tough divorce, which is a financial strain on almost everyone who goes through it. I made some wise investments early on, have a great career and would be 100% fine on my own.

What do I see in him? I love him. It's hard to explain love. He's got plenty of faults and so do I. But i can't imagine not being in his life.

I was being serious.
He is not parenting or involved with his current child.
He lied to you about wanting a child.
He let's his kid treat you like crap.
He is hands off as a parent.
He refuses marriage counselling.

Truly wondering what good there is there?

Thanks for clarifying that you're serious. He is hands off - I hope this doesn't offend other Scandinavians, but he's from a pretty small town in Norway and the way he was raised and the way he approaches parenting is to be hands off. He is involved in certain ways - he cares about her academics, etc, but her mom is more the one to take care of behavioral things. She was her primary custodian for many years - from 4 to 14 - and I guess a certain pattern was established.

Did he lie about wanting a child? I struggle with that. I'd like to think he didn't. He says that when I was pregnant he experienced a lot of anxiety about going through the early years (his first marriage got bad when his daughter was an infant - I don't mean that she is responsible for the divorce, obviously, but parenting a young child was tough for them because their marriage was bad at the same time). Anyway, I do think he strung me along about trying again. No doubt about that. He saw how sad I was after losing the child and I think he was trying to convince himself the whole time that he actually had the energy and desire to be a father to another kid.

The refusing counseling - again, I don't know. I don't want to say it is purely cultural. He's just convinced that he and I are more equipped to talk things out together than we are to involve a therapist. And to his credit, he has been pretty good about talking about it.

And the bottom line is that I really do love him.

[Anonymous]

I don't blame you for your feelings at all OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm really worried that someday you are going to regret your decision to choose your husband over having a child. It sounds like you really want kids! I have a friend who made the same choice and then ended up divorced anyway. She's been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now with no luck (she's mid-40s) and really regrets that she didn't end things with her ex sooner.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, here's my take.

SD tells you (and probably DH) that she doesn't want you two having kids.
You get preg then miscarry (and tell her? Why even tell her?)
She is furious at you, your DH, the world and acts out.

For the 2 years she's been a bitch, her dad probably was telling her that it's not up to her whether you two have another kid and that she doesn't get to decide. That's probably why she was pissy for that long. She was probably mad that she wasn't getting her way (even though in actuality she was - she didn't know it because your DH was adult enough to not include her in your marital decisions). And that might explain why DH didn't really go after her for her behavior. Maybe he was cutting her some slack because he knew what he told her.

At the same time, he was probably hurting about the m/c as well. I know my DH questioned having a kid after my m/c. He hated seeing me in pain and was basically like, "that's it. it's not worth it. The pain isn't worth it." Maybe THAT is why your DH backed off of having a kid. If he was on the fence to begin with, watching someone you love suffer would surely push you over the other side.

Once he talked it over with you and told you his feelings, he (appropriately) then shared with his daughter. Now, she's all happy.

This might not give you advice on how to deal with your SD like you were asking for, but it's just another perspective that may help you look at your DH in a better light as well as cut your SD some slack, too. Maybe understand that while she was a bitch for 2 years, maybe her Dad was putting her in her place without you knowing about it and she was lashing out. I dunno, just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's my take.

SD tells you (and probably DH) that she doesn't want you two having kids.
You get preg then miscarry (and tell her? Why even tell her?)
She is furious at you, your DH, the world and acts out.

For the 2 years she's been a bitch, her dad probably was telling her that it's not up to her whether you two have another kid and that she doesn't get to decide. That's probably why she was pissy for that long. She was probably mad that she wasn't getting her way (even though in actuality she was - she didn't know it because your DH was adult enough to not include her in your marital decisions). And that might explain why DH didn't really go after her for her behavior. Maybe he was cutting her some slack because he knew what he told her.

At the same time, he was probably hurting about the m/c as well. I know my DH questioned having a kid after my m/c. He hated seeing me in pain and was basically like, "that's it. it's not worth it. The pain isn't worth it." Maybe THAT is why your DH backed off of having a kid. If he was on the fence to begin with, watching someone you love suffer would surely push you over the other side.

Once he talked it over with you and told you his feelings, he (appropriately) then shared with his daughter. Now, she's all happy.

This might not give you advice on how to deal with your SD like you were asking for, but it's just another perspective that may help you look at your DH in a better light as well as cut your SD some slack, too. Maybe understand that while she was a bitch for 2 years, maybe her Dad was putting her in her place without you knowing about it and she was lashing out. I dunno, just a thought.

thanks for your perspective. It helps a lot.

He told her about the miscarriage - it was a pretty ugly event. I bled everywhere (it was very heavy bleeding, I'm not sure if that's usual or not). I am almost completely blind without my contacts (this happened overnight). I'd had some light spotting but woke up to a wet bed. At first, because I was deep asleep, I thought it was pee. I left a trail of blood from bedroom to basement to get towels, to bathroom back to bedroom to get my husband. She saw the blood. It just was how it happened. If it hadn't happened that way, if I'd had a chance to clean, if anything else had happened, maybe she'd have never known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow...I am furious with your husband! I don't believe in trying to convince people to have children they don't want, but how awful to wait until a miscarriage to tell you he didn't want anymore. That's awful. It's another loss (loss of anticipation and the life you envisioned) on top of the miscarriage. I can't help but think that if you and your husband had tried again successfully, your stepdaughter would probably have gotten over it as she got older and into her life, and all would have been well. And if your stepdaughter felt that strongly when you got married, your husband should have discussed it with her so she wouldn't have been blindsided.

I don't think it's fair to assume that the husband knew he didn't want more kids and kept it a secret until after the miscarriage. It's entirely possible that he was on board but not as enthusiastic (as OP said in her original post) at first, and when she got pregnant and then miscarried he suddenly realized his dread at the new child being a reality and relief when the miscarriage happened. If this is how it happened, does her husband owe it to her to have another child just because the OP had a miscarriage, even if he now realizes he really doesn't want a child?

You are responding to me. Obviously, we don't know what it was in his mind. But if you are on board enough to actually plan the baby and get someone pregnant, then you don't 'realize your dread'. An adult person should know if they actually want a baby before they start trying for one. And he had at least one kid, so it's not like he didn't know what it entails! Especially, if she wouldn't have married him if he had 'realized his dread' about kids earlier and told her he didn't want them. It doesn't sound like a bait and switch to you, rather than a sincere changing of his mind?

[Anonymous]

Do you think the blood could have scared her and it really isn't an issue of another child but rather what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think the blood could have scared her and it really isn't an issue of another child but rather what happened.

If you read her original post, the SD told her outright she didn't want her to have kids. And why would she start calling the SM "bitch" if it was being scared of blood? Not criticizing your idea, but it seems unlikely. If she was afraid of blood, wouldn't it elicit sympathy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think the blood could have scared her and it really isn't an issue of another child but rather what happened.

If you read her original post, the SD told her outright she didn't want her to have kids. And why would she start calling the SM "bitch" if it was being scared of blood? Not criticizing your idea, but it seems unlikely. If she was afraid of blood, wouldn't it elicit sympathy?

I'm the OP. No, I don't think it had much to do with the blood. I think it was more her being angry at me for getting pregnant when she told me she didn't want me and her dad to have children.

[Anonymous]

why would you want to have a 19 year age gap. How old are you, maybe you are too old to have children anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think the blood could have scared her and it really isn't an issue of another child but rather what happened.

That could have been the case, but the SD did tell the OP right away how important it was for her that OP does not have any kids. I think she felt betrayed when she found out.
I am very sorry for what you are going through, OP., it is a tough situation. I don't know how old you are but please think long and hard about maybe still having a child, with or without your husband, while you still have time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think the blood could have scared her and it really isn't an issue of another child but rather what happened.

If you read her original post, the SD told her outright she didn't want her to have kids. And why would she start calling the SM "bitch" if it was being scared of blood? Not criticizing your idea, but it seems unlikely. If she was afraid of blood, wouldn't it elicit sympathy?

I'm the OP. No, I don't think it had much to do with the blood. I think it was more her being angry at me for getting pregnant when she told me she didn't want me and her dad to have children.

After she said that to you at 14, did you and/or your DH ever talk to her about how it's not her decision to make but that you love her and are so happy she is part of your family, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why would you want to have a 19 year age gap. How old are you, maybe you are too old to have children anyways.

OP has no biological children. She is referring to her stepdaughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That must be really difficult for you. I would sit down with your husband and let him know how important it is to you to have a child. My husband has older kids like our situation too so he was on the fence about having more, given his divorce situation but he agreed, we had one and its been wonderful for both of us. He far more enjoys parenting now, than he did before given he is older and in a better place financially. I don't think I could have been happy if he said no.

As for your stepdaughter, find a way to let it go. She is young and worried about feeling replaced. Having our dad remarry with a new family is hard as you don't know where you fit in. Dad needs to be reassuring that their relationship would not change and he loves her regardless.

Hope he doesn't tell his older kids this! Sorry, this is why older kids get bitter seeing their dads enjoy parenting their 2nd family so much. Too bad he couldn't man up for his first kids!

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice for you, OP, but I am sorry that you're going through this. This is tough.