Reply to Tough situation with stepdaughter

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[quote=Anonymous]Oh, OP, I'm so glad you updated and, wow, what an awful feeling from this weekend.  I'm 7:51 above and I too have stuffed down so many feelings of rage at my husband for giving in to his daughter's unreasonable moody requests.  (My drug of choice is food, not vodka, but it's equally destructive for me.)

Are you conflict avoidant in general or do you fear repurcussions for standing up for yourself with DH?  This might be something to explore in individual therapy.  Your example above is so outrageous and so unreasonable that it's hard to understand why you didn't speak up immediately, either saying, "Sven, that's unreasonable.  It's past noon and I need to get the shoveling done" or "This is the best time for me to shovel.  Will she be willing to finish once she gets out of bed?  If not, I need to finish now."  I wonder why you avoid standing up for yourself.  I am not condemning you - I stuff a lot of rage to avoid conflict because my DH is totally incapable of handling conflict, and I am trying to keep some peace for my child, but there's a huge cost to my health and stress level.

I don't know if I could have stayed in the marriage with my home not feeling like my home, my anger and stress at being so disrespected, if I also had to give up my dream of a child, too.  It sounds like you are starting to resign yourself to this fate and I just desperately, desperately hope that you will not give up this dream for yourself in exchange for a marriage in which you do not feel free to even talk back to your husband about something like the snow shoveling incident and are now even drinking to block out the bad feelings.  It scares me for you and I am rooting for your happiness.

As others have mentioned, STEPMONSTER was really helpful to me in letting go of any expectations that things will get better with my DSD.  They have not, even though she is "grown up" now.  How will you feel about your life if you give up any chance of motherhood and things never get better with your DH regarding your DSD's role in your life?  What if she continues this manipulation regarding paying for college or visiting during college, supporting her beyond college, attending her wedding, seeing grandchildren...threatening to withdraw her affections to her mom only if you and your DH don't dance to her unreasonable tune?  If your DH doesn't get any better at this, and your DSD is incapable or unwilling to be more reasonable as she ages, is that worth giving up a chance for a child of your own?
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