Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised by how much people here don't value being close to family. Yes, in SD they would be near her husband's parents. But that's it. Here they have aunts, uncles and cousins too -- a whole tribe. I never had that growing up around here, and I know that my parents really missed their family in Boston. As I kid I didn't think about it much one way or another, but now as an adult I think how nice it would have been to have really gotten to know all of the aunts, uncles and cousins who lived there. They're all still close as adults, and though I love them we have a more distant relationship. I feel very lucky that my parents and siblings and their families are now all in this area, and I hope that everyone stays here and my kids can grow up with extended family in a way I didn't.

No one here has said they don't value being close to family - just that, as an adult, you have to make the best decision for yourself and your children, and that shouldn't be based solely on where your family lives. Lots of us have lived away from family and managed not to just survive, but thrive. Life is what you make of it and OP is thinking too small. Her DH will grow to resent her, without a doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP SoCal SAHM who hates the cold and moved away from my family. We moved for DH's job, but btw his parents are here in VA, and his brother and family is in Boston and I'm sitting here at National airport right now as we're about to go visit them. So it's a similar situation, just flipped.

I am very sympathetic to your resistance to move away from your family. I totally get it. And I get the big-time fear that if you moved, you'd never get back. That was my #1 fear (besides the cold, that is.)

I do think that you can make a deal with your husband. I didn't mention it in my previous post, but my DH and I have a 2 year deal here. We are half a year in, now, and DH is committed to his deal. No matter what great opportunity comes his way, we are going back. We rented, not sold, our house in LA. We are renting here. I am fully confident that you will be coming home if you want to, and it will not strain your marriage to do so, if you agree up front with your DH.

I also forgot to mention that at the time, our kids were in the perfect school for them. We had previously been at the wrong school, and had found the perfect fit. And they had great friends with great parents--we were in the sweet spot--that was really hard, to leave that. Socially I had finally found some great female friends and their husbands were friends with my DH.

I have met some friends here and stayed in touch with my friends back there. The kids are doing better than fine because (yes my older one there was some tears, but she's adapted) and it's been really, really good for them.

I want to encourage you because of the following: As I said, I'm a SAHM now, but before kids I was extremely ambitious in my career. I met my DH in law school; we started out similarly situated. And I remember being career-oriented, being ambitious, and also remember dumping a boyfriend who didn't understand why, for example, I couldn't keep our dinner date when my boss suddenly wanted something. So anyways, I'm a very different person now, but I respect my DH's ambition--I get it. And I believe that to stand in his way would, over time, have undercut our marriage. It's just something to think about. IF you make say, a 2 year deal like I did, I think you can have the best of it all. And his appreciation and gratitude. It had brought us closer together (and I didn't think that was possible; we're pretty tight).

Get a good credit card for miles (Starwood Amex or Chase Sapphire) and you can get your parents out there on miles. Alaska Airlines just started service to San Diego. And smartertravel.com can send your email airfare deals; it does not have to break the bank to get your parents to visit.

And San Diego is a fantastic, fantastic place to be a kid. You can ski and go to the beach on the same day. San Diego has the best weather of the mainland US. Your kids will surf, boogie-board, paddle-board, everything. And btw San Diego has some real brains out there--academic and business--it's not saturated with the entertainment culture of LA, not mis-managed like LA; and it's got serious companies out there, put there by very successful entrepreneurs who chose San Diego for the life.

And one final note--you grew up here and your family is here, and probably long-term friends, so the prospect of making new friends somewhere else might seem slim. But transplants to DC know that it's a transplant city so there are always opportunities to make friends. And like DC, there are a lot of transplants to San Diego so you won't have trouble. I'm pretty socially shy and if I can do it, anyone can.

Anyways just want to encourage you to consider a real, short term situation. I honestly can say that if I were facing the situation that you were, described as it is, I would be in exactly the intractable position that you find yourself in. I can't imagine leaving my family and the place I grew up for ever. But two years? Suddenly it's hard, a sacrifice, a huge mental hurdle, but do-able.

I really appreciate this post. Thank you for taking the time. This could be something I'd be willing to do. This way - he'd get to take the position but we would not be leaving my family permanently. My older daughter would be starting kindergarten in 2 years so it would be the perfect time to move back. This may be the perfect compromise.

OP, don't get your heart set on two years exactly. Life happens. Your DH may get a big promotion in CA. Then what? You're going to badger him into giving it up and leaving because you made a "deal?" This is not realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, try it out, it's not a death sentence and doesn't have to be forever. Especially now that your kids are so young that it won't impact them.

You've done it your way for 9 years, let your husband do it his way for some years, revisit and come back to DC if you like.

Keep your marriage alive by compromising.

This, 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised by how much people here don't value being close to family. Yes, in SD they would be near her husband's parents. But that's it. Here they have aunts, uncles and cousins too -- a whole tribe. I never had that growing up around here, and I know that my parents really missed their family in Boston. As I kid I didn't think about it much one way or another, but now as an adult I think how nice it would have been to have really gotten to know all of the aunts, uncles and cousins who lived there. They're all still close as adults, and though I love them we have a more distant relationship. I feel very lucky that my parents and siblings and their families are now all in this area, and I hope that everyone stays here and my kids can grow up with extended family in a way I didn't.

No one here has said they don't value being close to family - just that, as an adult, you have to make the best decision for yourself and your children, and that shouldn't be based solely on where your family lives. Lots of us have lived away from family and managed not to just survive, but thrive. Life is what you make of it and OP is thinking too small. Her DH will grow to resent her, without a doubt.

Why is she thinking too small? Why is San Diego necessarily the best decision? Is a 10 percent raise and the chance of further growth really that enticing? Her DH is in government contracting and there's as much, if not more, opportunity around here as in San Diego. It's not like she refuses to leave her small hometown in the Midwest. I would think that a large, close, loving nearby family could easily tip the balance in favor of DC. Life is indeed what you make of it. That doesn't mean it's about maximizing earning potential at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, try it out, it's not a death sentence and doesn't have to be forever. Especially now that your kids are so young that it won't impact them.

You've done it your way for 9 years, let your husband do it his way for some years, revisit and come back to DC if you like.

Keep your marriage alive by compromising.

This, 100%.

How was it "her" way? The OP followed DH to DC. It was a joint decision to come here in the first place, not a sacrifice he made for her. The next move (or not) needs to be a joint decision too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just her parents. It's her children aunts and uncles and cousins (it sounds like.) That's worth a lot.

+1

And being a SAHM mom, that is her support network. ILs don't weigh the same in that calculus.

Why does a SAHM mom need a bigger support network than a WOHM mom? If anything, I think the WOHM mom needs a greater support network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I'd move to CA. I am a SAHM, DH would be off at work all day every day and I wouldn't know anyone. It has taken me a long time to build up a group of friends here in DC, and I want to be closer to my family. I don't get along as well with my in laws, and they're not very good with the kids. Not interested in being involved grandparents. If your DH has been laid off, or was miserable at his job and couldn't find another one, then you'd have to think harder about it. Uprooting away from your family and friends just for a litt more money is not at all worth it. His parents can come visit you.

I think Hax or Dear Prudence took a question about this and the answer was the SAH parent gets veto power because it would be horribly isolating to be home without the support network.

What? I don't understand this concept that a SAHM needs a support network more than any other type of mom. I also don't get this idea that somehow a SAHM needs to be near family more than any other kind of parent.

If you're isolated because you're home all day, you join groups and meet people. Guess what? There are just as many moms groups in CA as there are in VA. Not to mention, once kids are in school, if a SAHM is that isolated and alone and bored, she can get a part time job somewhere.

No, the SAH parent doesn't have greater veto power because he or she will be lonely. Guess what? Working 40, 50 hours a week, sitting at a desk, can be pretty isolating, especially if you feel you are in a rut at work, like it sounds OP's husband is.

It's comments like that that make people say crap about SAHMs, this idea that they are these delicate creatures, more in need of support and social stimulation than other moms, the idea that because they don't work, somehow their family and the social network they've cultivated is more important than the family and the social network of the working parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I'd move to CA. I am a SAHM, DH would be off at work all day every day and I wouldn't know anyone. It has taken me a long time to build up a group of friends here in DC, and I want to be closer to my family. I don't get along as well with my in laws, and they're not very good with the kids. Not interested in being involved grandparents. If your DH has been laid off, or was miserable at his job and couldn't find another one, then you'd have to think harder about it. Uprooting away from your family and friends just for a litt more money is not at all worth it. His parents can come visit you.

I think Hax or Dear Prudence took a question about this and the answer was the SAH parent gets veto power because it would be horribly isolating to be home without the support network.

What? I don't understand this concept that a SAHM needs a support network more than any other type of mom. I also don't get this idea that somehow a SAHM needs to be near family more than any other kind of parent.

If you're isolated because you're home all day, you join groups and meet people. Guess what? There are just as many moms groups in CA as there are in VA. Not to mention, once kids are in school, if a SAHM is that isolated and alone and bored, she can get a part time job somewhere.

No, the SAH parent doesn't have greater veto power because he or she will be lonely. Guess what? Working 40, 50 hours a week, sitting at a desk, can be pretty isolating, especially if you feel you are in a rut at work, like it sounds OP's husband is.

It's comments like that that make people say crap about SAHMs, this idea that they are these delicate creatures, more in need of support and social stimulation than other moms, the idea that because they don't work, somehow their family and the social network they've cultivated is more important than the family and the social network of the working parent.

This. It's not like they're talking about moving to rural West Virginia. SD is a thriving metropolis. And the kids are toddlers, not newborns, so she can leave the house.

[Anonymous]

A 10% pay raise would not be enough to make me take a new job in the same location, let alone moving for it. I'd personally only take a new job if the raise was at least 15% (and that is without moving).

I was in a similar situation as OP when I was dating my now-husband. Here is the short story.

I met my DH in 2007 in DC. In summer 2008, he decided to take a job out of state because his parents planned to retire there within a few years. I was 30 at the time, almost 31. I'd been dating him 1.5 years and thinking it would lead to marriage. We were not yet engaged or married. I did not think I would actually make the move because I did not want to leave D.C. He is a government worker and I did not think when we were dating he'd leave DC unless it was for the Northeast (where we are both from, which I would have been fine moving to because that is closer to my family.) When I was dating, I did not date people who did not plan to stay in DC or who were not from either the Northeast or MidAtlantic for fear that someday they might want to move back home: #1, my career is D.C. based and #2 I did not want to move (I moved as a child...we moved for several moves for my dad's career and we were all miserable). I did not want to move as adult. I moved to DC when I was 21 and did not plan on leaving.

I told my then-boyfriend I would only move if we someday got married. We decided to do long-distance for awhile, and he proposed about 7 months after he moved. We got married in late 2009. I was never sure I was doing the right thing. But I did not want to lose the relationship and I did not want to start dating all over again because I thought it could take years to find a relationship as good aside from the difference in where we wanted to live. If I had been a few years younger, I might not have made the same decision because I really, really did not want to move.

So, I moved and got married, with a caveat--we would definitely return to DC in no less than seven years if we got married. He agreed.

We both have D.C.-based careers so there are more job options there for both of us so it is definite that we will move back. I am not sure this is the case for the OP. It might be very hard to come back.

Honestly, the first 6 months of marriage was very hard because I did not want to be in the new location.

It has been 4 years since then, and only recently have I become less resentful because I know that we can finally move back in 3.5 years.

In my situation I had no veto power if I wanted to stay in the relationship because we were not married or engaged even.

But in a marriage, moving across the country needs to be a joint decision. Otherwise, the OP could become resentful if she really does not want to move. I would think they would have discussed this before marriage (like if she would be willing to move to SoCal if the option came up).

I, fortunately, have been able to keep my DC job and I travel for work and telecommute. I think I'd have gotten a divorce if it weren't for my job. (And we also have a child now.)

If the OP really wants to stay in Va, then I think this is the answer: go back to work. Money is power. If you both work in DC/VA, the 10% raise makes no difference.

Or, if you have a job that only has a lot of future opportunities for you in DC, then that should be a reason NOT to move. So, when you go back to work, you have professional options, too.

However, OP, if you really want to be a SAHM and you don't plan on going back to the workforce, then moving to CA might not be that bad. You could think of it as an adventure...but you'd have to realize that you might not get back.

Fortunately, in the new location, we now have a wonderful circle of friends, who have also just started having kids. We have more friends in the new location than we ever had in DC. So, now, when we do go back to DC, it will be bittersweet because we have so many people we are close to now in our new location (DH's parents live two hours from us here).

The fact that my earning power will be higher when we ultimately get back to D.C. gives me more leverage to move back. (My parents live in NY and my bro in MA)

It seems that the OP has more family here than the DH has in SoCal. That should be a factor.

I think couples counseling might help to work out this decision. Seriously. Both parties could end up resentful if they move (her) or if they stay (him).

[Anonymous]

Moving for a boyfriend is completely different than OP's situation. I wouldn't move for a boyfriend either. But in a marriage, I would want to support my spouse's carrer growth.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I did not move for a boyfriend. I moved AFTER we got married.

The point is--I was resentful that our marriage was about where HE wanted to live because of HIS parents.

His new job was NOT an advancement...it was a lateral move purely to be in the same state as his parents a few years later.

Also, I make 90% of what he makes. We are almost an evenly matched couple financially so his career growth is not more important than mine. Financial power is important--that is why I suggested the OP go back to the workforce or plan to. I don't think a 10% raise is a guarantee of career growth, and plus OP said he is in government contracting...all of those opportunities are in DC. I'd argue there is more growth for him right where he is.

[Anonymous]

In that case, I would argue that your husband was selfish, but I think OP's situation is different becasue he's the sole earner, and the promotion sounds like a good opportunity. Also OP had been a teacher, which you can do anywhere.

[Anonymous]

It's not really a 10% raise when you factor in the lower cost of living and the fact that the new job would offer more advancement possibilities. It ends up being considerably more than that. OP, I know how hard it is when the most sensible thing isn't the same thing as what you want. But I really think with your husband being the sole breadwinner, you have to go where he has the best opportunity. You say that he's interviewed for jobs in this area and hasn't had any luck-- there's your answer. At least you have family (and presumably friends) in the San Diego area and your husband isn't trying to move you to some God-awful place where you know no one.

[Anonymous]

The whole tone of OP's post(and that of others) is a total turn off to me. "Her" family, "her" needs. Exactly, when do his emotional needs come into play. Has OP ever thought that maybe he doesn't like "her" family and would like to be closer to his for a while and to let the kids get to know their other grandparents? Whether to move is a big JOINT decision that needs to be discussed, planned, and decided on. But, it is hard to do that when it seems that one of the partner is not even considering all of the feelings of the other.

[Anonymous]

NP here. BTDT! My DH moved here after grad school because I insisted that we live near my family. He turned down a few jobs in other cities over the years. He became VERY resentful even moreso with every work problem and seeing folks he knew thriving in other places while he struggled. 15 years later - he is doing better but I know a part of him wonders... And I know that this caused him not to try to develop a relationship with my family. He resents them.

OP, I think some of the PP's are right. If you dig your feet in the ground and make this just about what you want, your DH will resent you in short order. The first thing you should do is make your DH feel like you HEAR him - really listen to him. Sit down with him and listen to his pros and cons and consider them. Him feeling like he is being heard (and not ignored or dismissed) will make a difference. Also be prepared to make your case to him about how staying here is best for the family that you two have together - taking into account his career. You cannot just say "damn your career, I am staying with my family." You have to address his career concerns head on and make him feel positive about the decision.

I learned the hard way. Asking a man who is not from here to live his entire working life here when he wants to be elsewhere is going to be a significant issue in your marriage. So you have to jump on it now.