Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

Cost of living is lower in SD than here.... so a 10% raise is actually like a 15-20% increase in your purchasing power. Of course, money isn't everything.

Could you agree to say a 2 year trial and if you hate it he would agree to look for jobs back in DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the new job pays better and has more growth potential... how happy or unhappy is he with his current job? Does he think he would be able to find something similar to the California job around here?

What about you-- would you be able to find work in California?

Something tells me OP is a SAHM who needs to be close to her mommy.

That's obnoxious. I think it depends more on the dynamic of your family and your individual needs. If you need to be close to family while DH does not, that matters. If you always said you would contemplate a move, that matters. Similarly, it makes a difference how good each person is at getting used to a new environment, whether the Ca. family could do the same job helping as local folks, whether DH is fulfilled at his current job and happy in DC, etc.

It's not obnoxious. If it's the case, she needs to cut the apron strings. Her husband should be her top relationship priority. What he wants trumps anything her family wants.

[Anonymous]

Do it. Sounds like he will want to move - if not now, then eventually - and it's much easier to move before your kids are in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

OP again. This is not totally out of the blue. We've been here for 9 years and he has always said he'd love to move back to San Diego but I always kind if ignored it thinking he's a govt contractor and the work is generally here. I know I was wrong to ignore it but I have worked hard to build us a life here and I think it's a great life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the new job pays better and has more growth potential... how happy or unhappy is he with his current job? Does he think he would be able to find something similar to the California job around here?

What about you-- would you be able to find work in California?

Something tells me OP is a SAHM who needs to be close to her mommy.

That's obnoxious. I think it depends more on the dynamic of your family and your individual needs. If you need to be close to family while DH does not, that matters. If you always said you would contemplate a move, that matters. Similarly, it makes a difference how good each person is at getting used to a new environment, whether the Ca. family could do the same job helping as local folks, whether DH is fulfilled at his current job and happy in DC, etc.

It's not obnoxious. If it's the case, she needs to cut the apron strings. Her husband should be her top relationship priority. What he wants trumps anything her family wants.

What she wants matters too. If he knows she needs closeness to her family, it seems like that should count for something. On the other hand, the fact that she has ignored the prospect until now counts for a lot in my book too.

[Anonymous]

I feel like "trying it out" like a 2 year trial would become permanent. I think once we are there, it would be very difficult to get him to leave.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Can you please tell us where in SoCal? It's a big state, and there are lots of us on here that know quite a bit about the particular areas.

I am from SoCal (raised in Santa Barbara, which is technically not SoCal) and we've been living in the LA area since 1998. My family is in the LA area and Santa Barbara. I hate the cold and we really were in LA permanently, as far as we were both concerned, even though my DH is from VA and loves VA. We had found a piece of LA that was not the stereotype--in fact, it's more sweet, sheltered small town than I've experienced here.

If we were going to consider a move, it was either north to Santa Barbara or south to Orange County (Irvine, etc) or San Diego.

Well, now here we are in DC. DH got an offer and I didn't want to stand in his way. He took a huge pay cut (and I'm a SAHM) but for long-term prospects, it will serve his career better.

I don't even want to get into how much anxiety this created within me, especially since my mom is in the hospital and I had to leave her. But we did it and it has been a very positive experience. As a friend of mine said, "moving is a time to reinvent yourself," and I found it is!

I propose going out to take a look at the area. (Well first I propose you tell us what area so we can weigh in :wink)

I don't know what if any of your experience with SoCal is, but I can tell you there is a spot for everyone. It's not just what the media makes it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like "trying it out" like a 2 year trial would become permanent. I think once we are there, it would be very difficult to get him to leave.

Essentially you are asking that he prioritize your desire to be close to your family over his desire to move back to San Diego and advance in his career. You are telling him that that is more important than his wishes, unless of course they give him a lot more money, in which case, no problem.

Your parents are retiring. They can move anywhere. Maybe they should move there.

[Anonymous]

She said San Diego PP.

[Anonymous]

The move would be to San Diego. His parents live in La Jolla which we could not afford. We would probably need to be in Encinitas or Carlsbad or one of those places.

My parents will not move to California. My sister is here with her family and my brother is here too (along with some of our cousins). They will be moving to this area.

[Anonymous]

OP, you still haven't told us: Do you work? I'm guessing by your avoidance of that question that the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you still haven't told us: Do you work? I'm guessing by your avoidance of that question that the answer is no.

She has said she's a SAHM. Do people not read before responding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like "trying it out" like a 2 year trial would become permanent. I think once we are there, it would be very difficult to get him to leave.

Essentially you are asking that he prioritize your desire to be close to your family over his desire to move back to San Diego and advance in his career. You are telling him that that is more important than his wishes, unless of course they give him a lot more money, in which case, no problem.

Your parents are retiring. They can move anywhere. Maybe they should move there.

I see where he is coming from but I just really don't want to leave my family. It comes down to that and it's really not much more money. It wouldn't be enough for me to come back and visit more than once or twice a year. His parents have enough money where they could come visit us every 2 months or so. My parents and family don't have that kind of money so I would hardly see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell, I'd give anything to get out of DC and go live in Southern California. Can I live with him?

+1 I'll go.

OP, do you work? If you don't, then it's not like he's asking you to change jobs.

I have friends who recently moved to southern california, and they LOVE it.

[Anonymous]

Looking at it objectively, I think it would be a bigger sacrifice for him to not take the job than it would be for you to move. Doesn't mean there should be no discussion about it, and hopefully he's really listening to you, and (if you agree to move) he will acknowledge your sacrifice and express his appreciation, as well as do anything he can to make things easier/better for you.

Honestly, though, is living with year-round sunshine and being able to take your kids to the beach the worst thing in the world?