Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

OP,

Why should you get to live near your family? I find your thinking incredibly selfish. I wonder about the state of your marriage. I know so many spouses who relocate for their spouse's job. Plus he's warned you for two years and you pulled an ostrich and chose to ignore it. Either way, this is going to put a strain on your marriage. If you stay, he will resent it. If you move, you will.

[Anonymous]

I've moved a lot to support dh's growth and promotion.
I never thought I'd live away from "my family", but making dh and my children and our lives a priority changes that.

We moved 20 hours away 2 years ago. I was miserable at first. I resisted. We agreed on a year and worked out 2 years before moving back this past summer. We are moving again next summer for a promotion and this move should be our last. It's been a lot, but the last move will put us 2-3 from his family and mine. In the end we will both be so happy and hat we've done for our little family through this has been so worth it.

[Anonymous]

You need to make YOUR family, meaning DH, you and your child, your #1 priority. I don't see how DH can turn down this position without hurting his career and thus, hurting YOUR family. Making the move is clearly the right thing to do in this situation. However, the right thing isn't always the easy thing. You can make a happy life in CA if you want it and you try. If you go there with the idea that you'll be miserable, then you will. Attitude is everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell, I'd give anything to get out of DC and go live in Southern California. Can I live with him?

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Do what DW and Infid. We don't live near either of our families.

[Anonymous]

What's new OP?

[Anonymous]

Is it still grounds for divorce in VA if one spouse moves for a job and the other does not?

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread but this is such a common problem in DC where people from vastly different parts of the country meet and get married. Men in these relationships had better be prepared to at some point move to where the woman is from (or in this case, stay forever in DC since her family is here). It's just the way it is. Living near the woman's family wins 95% of the time.

It's so much easier when people from the same area meet each other.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the value in growing up with and playing with cousins. My cousins lived 1500 miles away from me growing up. We say each other every summer. That is just the way it was. My family - excluding spouse - is scattered all over the US - parents in FL, siblings in CO and IA - that I guess I just see this as normal. My community of support are my friends I have developed around here. This was ditto for my mother. When my father died, it was amazing the support network she had from among her neighbors and co-workers. Her brother, on the other hand, has been practically worthless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread but this is such a common problem in DC where people from vastly different parts of the country meet and get married. Men in these relationships had better be prepared to at some point move to where the woman is from (or in this case, stay forever in DC since her family is here). It's just the way it is. Living near the woman's family wins 95% of the time.

It's so much easier when people from the same area meet each other.

Well, then OP can get her ass back to work. If she is stonewalling DH's career advancement and proximity to his parents, she can take a turn bringing home the bacon. It shouldn't be a problem with her entire family here -they can relieve her of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like "trying it out" like a 2 year trial would become permanent. I think once we are there, it would be very difficult to get him to leave.

Essentially you are asking that he prioritize your desire to be close to your family over his desire to move back to San Diego and advance in his career. You are telling him that that is more important than his wishes, unless of course they give him a lot more money, in which case, no problem.

Your parents are retiring. They can move anywhere. Maybe they should move there.

This. Go for the move and take your parents with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's an internal promotion, it really could harm him professionally if he doesn't take the job. That can be a real career ender if you're viewed as the person who won't embrace a great opportunity when it's handed to them, or sacrifice a little in order to advance.

I don't think this is true these days. Someone may have a working spouse who is not easily relocated. That does not reflect negatively on the spouse who has to turn down a promotion. Yes, I know, not relevant to OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

It's sad that DH's parents have made an effort to get to know the grandchildren on the other side of the country. Her parents, who by her own admission have not fostered a close relationship, are now supposed to be catered to. It goes to show if you have a son, you are screwed. I think the PP is right that it will always be about HER family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's new OP?

OP here. I decided to try to be as open-minded as possible and at least look at how our life would be out there. Ive agreed to Go out there and look at neighborhoods and see if I could see us there. I've since gotten more information about where the job will really be and where we would really need to live. The job is not San Diego - it's in West LA (specifically Westwood). This is about 2.5 hours from his parents. I've been looking at where we could live and it looks like we could not afford to live anywhere close to his work. He would have an hour plus commute to and from anywhere we could afford. LA is expensive! I suggested we talk to a realtor out there to see what realistically our money could buy and what kind of commute we are talking about for my husband. This is where we are for those wondering. I still do not like the idea of leaving the rest of my family but I realize I have to keep an open mind for my husband and our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Why was DH so off about where he would be working? West LA is a far cry from San Diego and even OC. As you know, that area is so expensive and traffic is ridiculous.