Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

Since he would be covering the entire west coast with this position, his company originally told him he could be based in San Diego. He then was told since there is so much more need in the LA office, he would need to really be there. They said he could also work out of the Long Beach office (although they prefer he be in LA), which is where the OC came from but after some research it seems OC is too far from Long Beach for a commute.

[Anonymous]

Can he talk to his company about additional compensation given the higher cost of living in LA? My brother moved outside LA for an internal promotion within his company. He and his family had a very nice life in a state with no income taxes and then he moved to CA to work at his company's HQ. There were so many taxes in CA that they were not prepared. They had to pay thousands to register their cars with the state (they were probably late but even so). It was a real adjustment and they had a bumpy time for awhile. I think they often wish they hadn't moved (and they now live close to his wife's family, lol). Good luck, op. It's a tough decision and now it sounds like you have to factor in a major cost of living differential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's new OP?

OP here. I decided to try to be as open-minded as possible and at least look at how our life would be out there. Ive agreed to Go out there and look at neighborhoods and see if I could see us there. I've since gotten more information about where the job will really be and where we would really need to live. The job is not San Diego - it's in West LA (specifically Westwood). This is about 2.5 hours from his parents. I've been looking at where we could live and it looks like we could not afford to live anywhere close to his work. He would have an hour plus commute to and from anywhere we could afford. LA is expensive! I suggested we talk to a realtor out there to see what realistically our money could buy and what kind of commute we are talking about for my husband. This is where we are for those wondering. I still do not like the idea of leaving the rest of my family but I realize I have to keep an open mind for my husband and our marriage.

Hi, OP,

I'm that SoCal 2-year transplant who has posted before. I have just moved from that area and know it pretty well. If you want, later on, we can go through it--there's probably a way to get each other's contact info through Jeff or something.

As an aside, when moving here, I had a big fold out map with streets on it, and it helped me immeasurably because it was all laid out in one area so I could see the gestalt. (vs looking just on google maps etc). I was totally clueless re the DC area, and we had to move quickly, so I found something helpful--I mapped the "Whole Foods" markets because I figured that would help me find a neighborhood similar to where I had. (I had never heard of Harris Teeter or Safeway or Giant…) But it could be Costco or Target…whatever works.

Part of Westwood is really about UCLA and its students, so you probably don't want to live in those sections. But towns around Westwood--and in other parts of Westwood, you have lovely, lovely areas to live.

Pacific Palisades is hidden away between Santa Monica and Malibu. It is basically a town for families, and worth checking out. No one really knows it's there because it's not exciting for tourists. Originally I found Pacific Palisades when exploring around and noticed that in this area there was a bunch of bikes or tire swings every few houses or so, and so I realized I was in a family community. They call Pacific Palisades "Mayberry" and it's got a wonderful 4th of July race and parade; you can't go wrong there if you can swing it.

There are parts of Santa Monica that are great for families, and depending on where you are, the rent won't be as high. Brentwood is adjacent to Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, and Westwood (with the 405 in between); very nice, as well. North of UCLA is Bel Air, wow nice but really $$$ and you won't be meeting your neighbors like you would in the other towns; don't think there are sidewalks even.

Back to the coast--a lot of people like Venice, which is south of Santa Monica, but you have to do your research on the areas in there; there is some gang activity. South of that, past Marina del Rey (which is nice but more skyscraper-type) is a tiny, adorable area called Playa del Rey. And south of that is El Segundo--much more affordable and really nice in areas. I used to go there to visit a friend, who has a shop on Richmond St. (btw also the location shot for the series called "Revenge"; lol they cover her sign whenever shooting) and think, wow, this is really nice and down to earth.

When I originally moved my DH out to Los Angeles (at the time, no kids), I chose Santa Monica because I wanted him to be happy and if in LA, I thought it would be good for him to experience the good things about LA--one of which is the sunsets over the water. That helped him a lot. The mountains in Santa Monica/Pacific Palisades etc. are set back behind the flats of the town, but the houses there offer great views of the ocean. Even without an ocean view--we didn't have one--you end up seeing enough sunsets as you make your way around to feel like you are in a special place.

If you are hell bent on living south of LAX (good idea to note where LAX and the 105 freeway is in relation to what you are looking at--Playa del Rey El Segundo are south, btw) there's Manhattan Beach, Hermosa and Redondo Beach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since he would be covering the entire west coast with this position, his company originally told him he could be based in San Diego. He then was told since there is so much more need in the LA office, he would need to really be there. They said he could also work out of the Long Beach office (although they prefer he be in LA), which is where the OC came from but after some research it seems OC is too far from Long Beach for a commute.

I can't imagine a reasonable employer would hold it against your husband for not wanting to move his family to the most expensive part of LA. My husband's employer has offices in the UCLA area, and they offer a $25k bonus in addition to moving expenses and a cost of living adjustment as incentives. And still, they have a hard time staffing that office. Everyone is on you for not putting your family first by moving, but your husband wouldn't be putting his family first by moving either. San Diego might have been a draw, but I think LA has a lot more cons than San Diego.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you should move. Since the money making is on your husband you have to realize that sometimes that entails moving to advance your career. I have had to move three times for my career. That's just life.

I could understand if you also had a job or career you are leaving, but you are a SAHM which you can also do from San Diego, plus he has family there so it's not like you all will be completely without support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the new job pays better and has more growth potential... how happy or unhappy is he with his current job? Does he think he would be able to find something similar to the California job around here?

What about you-- would you be able to find work in California?

Something tells me OP is a SAHM who needs to be close to her mommy.

That's obnoxious. I think it depends more on the dynamic of your family and your individual needs. If you need to be close to family while DH does not, that matters. If you always said you would contemplate a move, that matters. Similarly, it makes a difference how good each person is at getting used to a new environment, whether the Ca. family could do the same job helping as local folks, whether DH is fulfilled at his current job and happy in DC, etc.

It's not obnoxious. If it's the case, she needs to cut the apron strings. Her husband should be her top relationship priority. What he wants trumps anything her family wants.

What?! Are you out of your mind?

I tell you, given my druthers, I'd rather be in Southern California than here. But I'd also rather be near my family than my husband's family. If he proposed moving somewhere that I was already reluctant to be, with an added bonus of getting to live right near his family, I would have my reservations, too.

Can you negotiate yourself something here? Is there something you want he's been dragging his heels on, that you can trade for agreeing to try this out? Or if you really don't want to do it, will husb be willing to stay, in exchange for something you've been draggy about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the new job pays better and has more growth potential... how happy or unhappy is he with his current job? Does he think he would be able to find something similar to the California job around here?

What about you-- would you be able to find work in California?

Something tells me OP is a SAHM who needs to be close to her mommy.

That's obnoxious. I think it depends more on the dynamic of your family and your individual needs. If you need to be close to family while DH does not, that matters. If you always said you would contemplate a move, that matters. Similarly, it makes a difference how good each person is at getting used to a new environment, whether the Ca. family could do the same job helping as local folks, whether DH is fulfilled at his current job and happy in DC, etc.

It's not obnoxious. If it's the case, she needs to cut the apron strings. Her husband should be her top relationship priority. What he wants trumps anything her family wants.

What?! Are you out of your mind?

I tell you, given my druthers, I'd rather be in Southern California than here. But I'd also rather be near my family than my husband's family. If he proposed moving somewhere that I was already reluctant to be, with an added bonus of getting to live right near his family, I would have my reservations, too.

Can you negotiate yourself something here? Is there something you want he's been dragging his heels on, that you can trade for agreeing to try this out? Or if you really don't want to do it, will husb be willing to stay, in exchange for something you've been draggy about?

PP again - I should add that I adore my husband's family, and I still would not want to live right next door to them. My own family is nutty, too, of course - but I would gladly share a town with them.

[Anonymous]

I've been looking at maps and researching neighborhoods and the areas you suggest like Pacific Palisades or Santa Monica sound perfect for us - except we could not afford a 3-4 bedroom house in those places. Houses in those areas seem to be well over 1 million on the low end. We do not have that kind of money. Rents are way too high as well. Lets say we could go up to $750k (stretching it a bit) - there just doesn't seem to be much in that range in those areas. I've even been looking in the Valley which seems family friendly but hot and much further from Westwood. Even there, you can't get much for that kind of money. And my husband's commute would be horrendous, right? We would also need good public schools. El Segundo looks great - still expensive.

My husband's company does cover moving - they give 30k to do this. I do feel like a big bonus to help cover a down payment on a house (or help with rent) would absolutely have to happen to make this doable.

I'm trying to be open. Especially with this freezing cold weather, California doesn't seem terrible right now. But, we would have to have a good house, good schools, decent commute to make this happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's new OP?

OP here. I decided to try to be as open-minded as possible and at least look at how our life would be out there. Ive agreed to Go out there and look at neighborhoods and see if I could see us there. I've since gotten more information about where the job will really be and where we would really need to live. The job is not San Diego - it's in West LA (specifically Westwood). This is about 2.5 hours from his parents. I've been looking at where we could live and it looks like we could not afford to live anywhere close to his work. He would have an hour plus commute to and from anywhere we could afford. LA is expensive! I suggested we talk to a realtor out there to see what realistically our money could buy and what kind of commute we are talking about for my husband. This is where we are for those wondering. I still do not like the idea of leaving the rest of my family but I realize I have to keep an open mind for my husband and our marriage.

Hi, OP,

I'm that SoCal 2-year transplant who has posted before. I have just moved from that area and know it pretty well. If you want, later on, we can go through it--there's probably a way to get each other's contact info through Jeff or something.

As an aside, when moving here, I had a big fold out map with streets on it, and it helped me immeasurably because it was all laid out in one area so I could see the gestalt. (vs looking just on google maps etc). I was totally clueless re the DC area, and we had to move quickly, so I found something helpful--I mapped the "Whole Foods" markets because I figured that would help me find a neighborhood similar to where I had. (I had never heard of Harris Teeter or Safeway or Giant…) But it could be Costco or Target…whatever works.

Part of Westwood is really about UCLA and its students, so you probably don't want to live in those sections. But towns around Westwood--and in other parts of Westwood, you have lovely, lovely areas to live.

Pacific Palisades is hidden away between Santa Monica and Malibu. It is basically a town for families, and worth checking out. No one really knows it's there because it's not exciting for tourists. Originally I found Pacific Palisades when exploring around and noticed that in this area there was a bunch of bikes or tire swings every few houses or so, and so I realized I was in a family community. They call Pacific Palisades "Mayberry" and it's got a wonderful 4th of July race and parade; you can't go wrong there if you can swing it.

There are parts of Santa Monica that are great for families, and depending on where you are, the rent won't be as high. Brentwood is adjacent to Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, and Westwood (with the 405 in between); very nice, as well. North of UCLA is Bel Air, wow nice but really $$$ and you won't be meeting your neighbors like you would in the other towns; don't think there are sidewalks even.

Back to the coast--a lot of people like Venice, which is south of Santa Monica, but you have to do your research on the areas in there; there is some gang activity. South of that, past Marina del Rey (which is nice but more skyscraper-type) is a tiny, adorable area called Playa del Rey. And south of that is El Segundo--much more affordable and really nice in areas. I used to go there to visit a friend, who has a shop on Richmond St. (btw also the location shot for the series called "Revenge"; lol they cover her sign whenever shooting) and think, wow, this is really nice and down to earth.

When I originally moved my DH out to Los Angeles (at the time, no kids), I chose Santa Monica because I wanted him to be happy and if in LA, I thought it would be good for him to experience the good things about LA--one of which is the sunsets over the water. That helped him a lot. The mountains in Santa Monica/Pacific Palisades etc. are set back behind the flats of the town, but the houses there offer great views of the ocean. Even without an ocean view--we didn't have one--you end up seeing enough sunsets as you make your way around to feel like you are in a special place.

If you are hell bent on living south of LAX (good idea to note where LAX and the 105 freeway is in relation to what you are looking at--Playa del Rey El Segundo are south, btw) there's Manhattan Beach, Hermosa and Redondo Beach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's new OP?

OP here. I decided to try to be as open-minded as possible and at least look at how our life would be out there. Ive agreed to Go out there and look at neighborhoods and see if I could see us there. I've since gotten more information about where the job will really be and where we would really need to live. The job is not San Diego - it's in West LA (specifically Westwood). This is about 2.5 hours from his parents. I've been looking at where we could live and it looks like we could not afford to live anywhere close to his work. He would have an hour plus commute to and from anywhere we could afford. LA is expensive! I suggested we talk to a realtor out there to see what realistically our money could buy and what kind of commute we are talking about for my husband. This is where we are for those wondering. I still do not like the idea of leaving the rest of my family but I realize I have to keep an open mind for my husband and our marriage.

Everyone's focused on the family issues in this thread, but starting over in a new city with the working spouse having a three hour round trip commute sounds completely unappealing to me.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your parents can move to SoCal?

I would move in a heartbeat. It's amazing there.

[Anonymous]

OP again - the way I've been able to get to a place where I am beginning to consider this is if my parents could come out there for 2-3 months during the winter. I don't see them moving out there since my sister and brother and cousins are all in DC. Also, I would like a house big enough to accommodate visitors like my sister and I'd want to be able to come back to the east coast to see family/friends 4 or 5 times a year. One positive of LA over San Diego is there are a lot more flight from LAX to DC or Baltimore. We know from experience there is only 1 nonstop flight from DCA (we are now 10 minutes from there) to San Diego.

[Anonymous]

Numbers are hard to argue with. I think you have to present your argument quantitatively. Make a table of expenses and compare them to your current situation. Expected mortgage, taxes, local taxes, cost of living, travel, commute times, etc.

The 10% increase in salary isn't much if the tax rates are higher for schools and real estate. Cost of living would require some research. Look up the prices of everyday things like hair cuts, pizza, car insurance, milk...Actually seeing the numbers side by side takes the emotional aspect out of the decision. Make it a financial decision, since that is what your husband is doing.

[Anonymous]

Go there, rent, and make an agreement with DH that you will all move back in 3 years if you decide you want to. Or agree to extended east coast vacation every year.

[Anonymous]

OP: San Diego is worth moving to without a second thought.
Los Angeles is amore c omplicated decision.

If your husband is spending much of his time in westwood, you do not want to live that far out—further out than Encino and the time from the valley to westwood can take 45 min or an hour in bad traffic—perhaps more. Long Beach to westwood is the same thing. You might be able to afford a small place in culver city—it’s a separate school district and there are some decent elementary schools. It used to be a totally sleepy area, but has become one of the more affordable spots in W. LA so is popular with families with young kids. Speaking of schools, LAUSD is a troubled school district—there are some decent schools, and some new hybrid charter/magnet schools that are okay, but they tend to be overcrowded.
Pasadena area is wonderful, sweet with excellent schools, but too far to commute to West LA.
As a PP suggested the palisades is beautiful but you need 1mil. to buy a house. Same with Santa Monica (more, even because the schools are good—a million gets you nothing in the Samo school district).

If the offer was first for san diego and now in LA, he needs to negotiate a higher base salary—even if overall COL between LA and San Diego is the same, living in W. LA is more expensive, particularly if you factor in school issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been looking at maps and researching neighborhoods and the areas you suggest like Pacific Palisades or Santa Monica sound perfect for us - except we could not afford a 3-4 bedroom house in those places. Houses in those areas seem to be well over 1 million on the low end. We do not have that kind of money. Rents are way too high as well. Lets say we could go up to $750k (stretching it a bit) - there just doesn't seem to be much in that range in those areas. I've even been looking in the Valley which seems family friendly but hot and much further from Westwood. Even there, you can't get much for that kind of money. And my husband's commute would be horrendous, right? We would also need good public schools. El Segundo looks great - still expensive.

My husband's company does cover moving - they give 30k to do this. I do feel like a big bonus to help cover a down payment on a house (or help with rent) would absolutely have to happen to make this doable.

I'm trying to be open. Especially with this freezing cold weather, California doesn't seem terrible right now. But, we would have to have a good house, good schools, decent commute to make this happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's new OP?

OP here. I decided to try to be as open-minded as possible and at least look at how our life would be out there. Ive agreed to Go out there and look at neighborhoods and see if I could see us there. I've since gotten more information about where the job will really be and where we would really need to live. The job is not San Diego - it's in West LA (specifically Westwood). This is about 2.5 hours from his parents. I've been looking at where we could live and it looks like we could not afford to live anywhere close to his work. He would have an hour plus commute to and from anywhere we could afford. LA is expensive! I suggested we talk to a realtor out there to see what realistically our money could buy and what kind of commute we are talking about for my husband. This is where we are for those wondering. I still do not like the idea of leaving the rest of my family but I realize I have to keep an open mind for my husband and our marriage.

Hi, OP,

I'm that SoCal 2-year transplant who has posted before. I have just moved from that area and know it pretty well. If you want, later on, we can go through it--there's probably a way to get each other's contact info through Jeff or something.

As an aside, when moving here, I had a big fold out map with streets on it, and it helped me immeasurably because it was all laid out in one area so I could see the gestalt. (vs looking just on google maps etc). I was totally clueless re the DC area, and we had to move quickly, so I found something helpful--I mapped the "Whole Foods" markets because I figured that would help me find a neighborhood similar to where I had. (I had never heard of Harris Teeter or Safeway or Giant…) But it could be Costco or Target…whatever works.

Part of Westwood is really about UCLA and its students, so you probably don't want to live in those sections. But towns around Westwood--and in other parts of Westwood, you have lovely, lovely areas to live.

Pacific Palisades is hidden away between Santa Monica and Malibu. It is basically a town for families, and worth checking out. No one really knows it's there because it's not exciting for tourists. Originally I found Pacific Palisades when exploring around and noticed that in this area there was a bunch of bikes or tire swings every few houses or so, and so I realized I was in a family community. They call Pacific Palisades "Mayberry" and it's got a wonderful 4th of July race and parade; you can't go wrong there if you can swing it.

There are parts of Santa Monica that are great for families, and depending on where you are, the rent won't be as high. Brentwood is adjacent to Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, and Westwood (with the 405 in between); very nice, as well. North of UCLA is Bel Air, wow nice but really $$$ and you won't be meeting your neighbors like you would in the other towns; don't think there are sidewalks even.

Back to the coast--a lot of people like Venice, which is south of Santa Monica, but you have to do your research on the areas in there; there is some gang activity. South of that, past Marina del Rey (which is nice but more skyscraper-type) is a tiny, adorable area called Playa del Rey. And south of that is El Segundo--much more affordable and really nice in areas. I used to go there to visit a friend, who has a shop on Richmond St. (btw also the location shot for the series called "Revenge"; lol they cover her sign whenever shooting) and think, wow, this is really nice and down to earth.

When I originally moved my DH out to Los Angeles (at the time, no kids), I chose Santa Monica because I wanted him to be happy and if in LA, I thought it would be good for him to experience the good things about LA--one of which is the sunsets over the water. That helped him a lot. The mountains in Santa Monica/Pacific Palisades etc. are set back behind the flats of the town, but the houses there offer great views of the ocean. Even without an ocean view--we didn't have one--you end up seeing enough sunsets as you make your way around to feel like you are in a special place.

If you are hell bent on living south of LAX (good idea to note where LAX and the 105 freeway is in relation to what you are looking at--Playa del Rey El Segundo are south, btw) there's Manhattan Beach, Hermosa and Redondo Beach.

Ok. Look, I'm assuming you would rent first. Live there a while and you will know the neighborhoods that make sense for you.

Check a neighborhood called "The Highlands" or "The Palisades Highlands" in Pacific Palisades. It adds a little to the commute, and is a bit away from the ocean, and those two facts makes it more affordable than the rest of "the Palisades" even though it buts up against awesome wilderness. Look on a map, and then if you are on realtor.com you'll be able to see if the house is in the Highlands or not.

If you've got a map, in Santa Monica, there are certain benchmarks. Anything "North of Montana Ave." is the priciest. Then second comes "North of Wilshire." Then "North of Santa Monica (Blvd.)" And of course, as you go back away from the beach (east), it's less expensive--but not necessarily worse, because then you are closer to some town centers. fyi re Santa Monica, it's its own city (not part of City of LA)--don't know if you'll need that info but just wanted you to know (because LA is not the best-run city. But don't know if it will matter)

If, btw, you want crunchy/hippie/artsy/country but more land, look at Topanga. It's too far for downtown LA but if your DH is working in Westwood it's doable. It does get hot there, but unlike the Valley the air is still fresh, and you can get some land for the kids to run around in. It's a very unique community; ha! visit there and visit Manhattan Beach and you will see how different these areas are from each other!

There are areas that could work for you. But I do recommend renting first. In Santa Monica, the market is taken up by something called "Westside Rentals" and they are online now--check that out!