Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

I would have been happy to go 10 years ago before having kids. I just feel like my priorities have changed and its more important to me to be close to my family than live in a place with great weather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is not totally out of the blue. We've been here for 9 years and he has always said he'd love to move back to San Diego but I always kind if ignored it thinking he's a govt contractor and the work is generally here. I know I was wrong to ignore it but I have worked hard to build us a life here and I think it's a great life.

Right, but he's working hard to build a career, a career that supports your family, and it sounds like he's hit a wall. There's an opportunity elsewhere, in a place where his family is and he'd like to be. I don't know, I think you're kind in the wrong to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like "trying it out" like a 2 year trial would become permanent. I think once we are there, it would be very difficult to get him to leave.

Just like it's difficult to get you to leave since you've been here, even though he's definitely let you know that he'd like to move back to SD.

Geesh. I'm sorry, but I think you're being sort of selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have been happy to go 10 years ago before having kids. I just feel like my priorities have changed and its more important to me to be close to my family than live in a place with great weather.

I'm just trying to help you see the upside.

You say "it's not that much money" but I think 10% kind of is a lot of money, especially when you consider that's it's not just the add'l 10% in year 1 of that job, but raises beyond that that he wouldn't be able to get otherwise. I think I would be upset if my spouse asked me to turn something like that down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have been happy to go 10 years ago before having kids. I just feel like my priorities have changed and its more important to me to be close to my family than live in a place with great weather.

And you don't feel it's important to him to have a chance to live near his family again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have been happy to go 10 years ago before having kids. I just feel like my priorities have changed and its more important to me to be close to my family than live in a place with great weather.

I'm just trying to help you see the upside.

You say "it's not that much money" but I think 10% kind of is a lot of money, especially when you consider that's it's not just the add'l 10% in year 1 of that job, but raises beyond that that he wouldn't be able to get otherwise. I think I would be upset if my spouse asked me to turn something like that down.

I'd be upset if I had been telling my spouse for a while that I wanted to move, and telling my spouse I'm ready to advance in my career, and trying, to no avail, to find a job with said advancement here, and then found a job that pays more with advancement opportunity in the place I've been wanting to move... and the spouse still said no.

At that point, I'd say, "fine. It's a priority for you to live here, and I'm sacrificing what I want. So how about I'll stay home with the kids and you get a job."

[Anonymous]

Or maybe DH could move to California by himself and OP can stay in DC clsoe to her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking at it objectively, I think it would be a bigger sacrifice for him to not take the job than it would be for you to move. Doesn't mean there should be no discussion about it, and hopefully he's really listening to you, and (if you agree to move) he will acknowledge your sacrifice and express his appreciation, as well as do anything he can to make things easier/better for you.

Honestly, though, is living with year-round sunshine and being able to take your kids to the beach the worst thing in the world?

+1. Sorry OP, but I think the cards are stacked against you if you're going by pros/cons. Pros for staying: being close to your family, your comfort level. Pros for moving: being close to your husband's family, more $ (this wouldn't be true in LA or SF, but in San Diego it is), potential career growth for your husband, good weather

I think you're feelings are totally valid, but this seem like a really good opportunity. And if you really hate it, you can move back. Your kids will be happy in either place.

[Anonymous]

As a SAHM (who also spent five years as the sole breadwinner while DH was getting his PhD), I feel like you go where the breadwinner has the best money and job security. Unless you are willing to return to the work force to ease the career pressure on him (especially in this dismal economy), you go where he is most likely to succeed. As another PP said, moving is an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

[Anonymous]

It's not just her parents. It's her children aunts and uncles and cousins (it sounds like.) That's worth a lot.

[Anonymous]

Hi op, I feel you and wouldn't want to move if I were you.

I'm not sure that you have a lot of ground to stand on, but I still don't think you should go. Family is important.

Does your DH make enough money now or is the salary bump needed?

[Anonymous]

Happy wife happy life.

[Anonymous]

Would he be able to use the job offer as leverage to get a higher salary from his current employer?

[Anonymous]

10% pay raise would not be enough to move.
sorry, no
Even a 50% pay raise, I would decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just her parents. It's her children aunts and uncles and cousins (it sounds like.) That's worth a lot.

I agree. So rare to have that.

There are pros on the other side too though.