Husband wants to move for job, I don't
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Anonymous
| My husband and I live in Alexandria in a small house with our 20 month old and 2.5 year old. He was offered a position within his company to move to Southern California with a 10% pay raise and moving costs covered. He says it has more reaponsibility and the potential to earn more money. His parents live in SoCal. My sister and her family and my brother both live in the DC area. My parents are retiring this year and moving here to be closer to us all. Not only do I not want to leave my family, I don't think a 10% pay raise is enough to ask me to uproot my kids and move across the country. We are not agreeing at all. Any advice? |
Anonymous
| Oh hell, I'd give anything to get out of DC and go live in Southern California. Can I live with him? |
Anonymous
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Southern California is beautiful!!! Your kids are young enough so they wouldnt even know the difference.
My husband uprooted us from the southwest to the northwest without any financial help from employer. We had to pay for the move plus he didn't get a raise . But it was the experience he needed to get a promotion for further down the line and that promotion was us coming to the dc area. I know I'm not being much help if you're going to move you might as well do it when the kids are young. |
Anonymous
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So the new job pays better and has more growth potential... how happy or unhappy is he with his current job? Does he think he would be able to find something similar to the California job around here?
What about you-- would you be able to find work in California? |
Anonymous
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There are your feelings about moving/staying put, whether you have a job and can move, your parents, etc,
Putting all that aside: Where in SO. Cal? That makes a huge difference. I'd look at COL calculators and see if you're breaking even with a 10% raise. In many places, I doubt it. (housing, taxes, schools, etc). I'd also really look closely at other factors--commute, schools primarily. California has been in a crisis for some time. It can be a fantastic place to live, but it can also be really tough. I'd move to san diego area, parts of south bay, but I would not move to LA unless I was making much more than here--terrible school district, commute, overcrowding, etc. |
Anonymous
Something tells me OP is a SAHM who needs to be close to her mommy. |
Anonymous
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I believe average commute times are actually higher in the DC area than in any other place in the country, including LA.
Of course, where you live specifically makes a big difference. |
Anonymous
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This literally just came up for me last night - a possible move to San Diego. I would say hell yes in a heartbeat, but I see where it might not be all that great for you. I'm guessing you'r a stay at a home mom?
It's been really hard navigating this potential move (we've been discussing the idea of it for a little while, it's the where that we don't always agree on. San Diego is the first one that I've heard that I can be on board with.) I suggested to my husband that we make separate lists of what we're trying to achieve in the move - and that includes our daughter - what do we want for her. I work, so that has to be taken into consideration. All of that, whereas he wants to just jump at the first offer he gets. This was my way of trying to objectify a move, rather than making it so emotional. He's on board with that idea. |
Anonymous
That's obnoxious. I think it depends more on the dynamic of your family and your individual needs. If you need to be close to family while DH does not, that matters. If you always said you would contemplate a move, that matters. Similarly, it makes a difference how good each person is at getting used to a new environment, whether the Ca. family could do the same job helping as local folks, whether DH is fulfilled at his current job and happy in DC, etc. |
Anonymous
| Person working gets to decide. |
Anonymous
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First of all, I second what the PP said about giving anything to get out of DC and move to California, especially with the deal that your husband's company is offering.
That said, I understand not wanting to root up your whole life. Do you work outside the home? How is that factored in? It would definitely be a lifestyle change, though honestly, maybe not that much. It depends on where you mean when you say "SoCal". Your children are young enough that "uprooting them" is probably less of an issue than uprooting YOU. It sounds like neither one of you is willing to understand the other's perspective. Your family is not more important than his family. His career is clearly important to him as well as your entire family. |
Anonymous
no, person working gets to decide whether or not to take a specific job. moving a family across the country is a family decision. |
Anonymous
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THis couldn't have come up out of the blue. You married a man with significant ties to So Cal. You all must have discussed what your future together would look like? Surely?
What did you each say at the time? Did you say you'd consider it, but inside knew you'd never consider it? Did he say he'd be happy in DC for the rest of his life, but inside really didn't mean it? I myself don't think I'd be willing to leave DC - and my husband knows that. For the right circumstances, maybe. But it would have to be good, and to a place that was good. My husband feels the same way. Now, our definition of "good" might differ. But close to family, plus a raise, plus rise in responsibilities (which could lead to future raises/move back to DC in the future) seems like a good offer. |
Anonymous
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The last poster is right. I am a SAHM and my parents currently live in NY and both work so they really don't get to spend much time with me or my kids. I was so excited to find out they are both finally retiring and moving here to be closer to us. They will really get a chance to know my kids, I will get to spend more time with them. I am very close with my family -especially my sister. My kids will not grow up with any cousins in CA where they have several here.
The move would be to San Diego and my in-laws live there. My husband is from there. He says he has looked and hadn't found anything here. He actually really likes his current job but is ready to make more money and his current position is 2-3% raise a year. I know he's gone on some interviews but no company has wanted to pay him more than he currently makes. |
Anonymous
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What are your job prospects out in SoCal? Would you be giving up a position you love for this move? You don't mention any of those details but that definitely factors in.
My husband gave up a job with growth potential to come be down here with me a few years ago. I had the more stable job with higher pay potential at the time. There's something in the works that may take us back north in 2-3 years, when my husband will be earning more, have more prestige, etc. I think in our case, it would make sense for me to put my career preferences on the back burner and support him in that move when the time comes; I'll still work but probably have to take something more boring since my industry isn't really based there. Marriage is a give and take; you should want to support your husband's ambitions and he should want to support yours. Sometimes it will be your turn to be supportive and make a few sacrifices. Sometimes it will be his. If you feel like it's all been one sided in the past, then I can see your hesitation but I think you should seriously consider whether it's your turn. Obviously, you'd want to alert your parents not to move down here if you're not going to be here anymore, but that's something to handle after you & DH decide. |