Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

If everything is happy and well here, I would not throw that away. The only reason I would move is if the cost of living were WAY lower (like North Carolina low - San Diego & places like La Jolla are still pretty high) and it allows you to stop struggling and give your family a better, easier life OR if you really feel like your worlds here are not ideal at the moment and you need a change. I would check with your husband to see if his perception of those two things is the same as yours.

[Anonymous]

I didnt take a new job in a new city because of my wife once. I still regret it to this day.

She is now my exwife.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the PP SoCal SAHM who hates the cold and moved away from my family. We moved for DH's job, but btw his parents are here in VA, and his brother and family is in Boston and I'm sitting here at National airport right now as we're about to go visit them. So it's a similar situation, just flipped.

I am very sympathetic to your resistance to move away from your family. I totally get it. And I get the big-time fear that if you moved, you'd never get back. That was my #1 fear (besides the cold, that is.)

I do think that you can make a deal with your husband. I didn't mention it in my previous post, but my DH and I have a 2 year deal here. We are half a year in, now, and DH is committed to his deal. No matter what great opportunity comes his way, we are going back. We rented, not sold, our house in LA. We are renting here. I am fully confident that you will be coming home if you want to, and it will not strain your marriage to do so, if you agree up front with your DH.

I also forgot to mention that at the time, our kids were in the perfect school for them. We had previously been at the wrong school, and had found the perfect fit. And they had great friends with great parents--we were in the sweet spot--that was really hard, to leave that. Socially I had finally found some great female friends and their husbands were friends with my DH.

I have met some friends here and stayed in touch with my friends back there. The kids are doing better than fine because (yes my older one there was some tears, but she's adapted) and it's been really, really good for them.

I want to encourage you because of the following: As I said, I'm a SAHM now, but before kids I was extremely ambitious in my career. I met my DH in law school; we started out similarly situated. And I remember being career-oriented, being ambitious, and also remember dumping a boyfriend who didn't understand why, for example, I couldn't keep our dinner date when my boss suddenly wanted something. So anyways, I'm a very different person now, but I respect my DH's ambition--I get it. And I believe that to stand in his way would, over time, have undercut our marriage. It's just something to think about. IF you make say, a 2 year deal like I did, I think you can have the best of it all. And his appreciation and gratitude. It had brought us closer together (and I didn't think that was possible; we're pretty tight).

Get a good credit card for miles (Starwood Amex or Chase Sapphire) and you can get your parents out there on miles. Alaska Airlines just started service to San Diego. And smartertravel.com can send your email airfare deals; it does not have to break the bank to get your parents to visit.

And San Diego is a fantastic, fantastic place to be a kid. You can ski and go to the beach on the same day. San Diego has the best weather of the mainland US. Your kids will surf, boogie-board, paddle-board, everything. And btw San Diego has some real brains out there--academic and business--it's not saturated with the entertainment culture of LA, not mis-managed like LA; and it's got serious companies out there, put there by very successful entrepreneurs who chose San Diego for the life.

And one final note--you grew up here and your family is here, and probably long-term friends, so the prospect of making new friends somewhere else might seem slim. But transplants to DC know that it's a transplant city so there are always opportunities to make friends. And like DC, there are a lot of transplants to San Diego so you won't have trouble. I'm pretty socially shy and if I can do it, anyone can.

Anyways just want to encourage you to consider a real, short term situation. I honestly can say that if I were facing the situation that you were, described as it is, I would be in exactly the intractable position that you find yourself in. I can't imagine leaving my family and the place I grew up for ever. But two years? Suddenly it's hard, a sacrifice, a huge mental hurdle, but do-able.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised by how much people here don't value being close to family. Yes, in SD they would be near her husband's parents. But that's it. Here they have aunts, uncles and cousins too -- a whole tribe. I never had that growing up around here, and I know that my parents really missed their family in Boston. As I kid I didn't think about it much one way or another, but now as an adult I think how nice it would have been to have really gotten to know all of the aunts, uncles and cousins who lived there. They're all still close as adults, and though I love them we have a more distant relationship. I feel very lucky that my parents and siblings and their families are now all in this area, and I hope that everyone stays here and my kids can grow up with extended family in a way I didn't.

[Anonymous]

OP - its not all the 10% raise, it is also that it will set him for more career growth. In addition for 9 years he has lived close to your family and the fact that this job comes with his family nearby is a bonus for him. I don't see how you can say no without being utterly selfish. If I was in his position, I would totally resent you and would be very hurt on how your feelings triumph over everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - its not all the 10% raise, it is also that it will set him for more career growth. In addition for 9 years he has lived close to your family and the fact that this job comes with his family nearby is a bonus for him. I don't see how you can say no without being utterly selfish. If I was in his position, I would totally resent you and would be very hurt on how your feelings triumph over everything else.

Well, she really can't say no if he insists. She is only a SAHM. She doesn't earn money for the family. She has no leverage.

[Anonymous]

OP, try it out, it's not a death sentence and doesn't have to be forever. Especially now that your kids are so young that it won't impact them.

You've done it your way for 9 years, let your husband do it his way for some years, revisit and come back to DC if you like.

Keep your marriage alive by compromising.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts. My husband's parents are the only relatives in Southern California. His sister lives in Conneticut with her husband and right now has no kids. His parents come to visit us every 2 months and spend time with his sister and then a week or 2 here. They are close with my kids in this arrangement. My sister lives in the area, and has children close in age and we get together every week or 2. Up until now, my parents have not really had the chance to spend much time with my kids because whenever they are here, the entire family gets together and its only for a day or so. My husband did not move here or stay here for me. We met in another city and separately decided to move to DC - he for grad school and me to be closer to my sister and move to a new city where my boyfiriend at the time would be. His job is govt related and DC is the place where a lot of people in his field find work. He loves his company and sees this as an opportunity to advance while still staying with his company. I guess I'm hung up on both the small bump in salary together with leaving my family. We are doing fine now. We would love a bigger house and more money to go on vacations but we get by just fine. I will probably go back to work once both kids are in school. I was an elementary school teacher before kids and I may go back into it but would also be open to something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP SoCal SAHM who hates the cold and moved away from my family. We moved for DH's job, but btw his parents are here in VA, and his brother and family is in Boston and I'm sitting here at National airport right now as we're about to go visit them. So it's a similar situation, just flipped.

I am very sympathetic to your resistance to move away from your family. I totally get it. And I get the big-time fear that if you moved, you'd never get back. That was my #1 fear (besides the cold, that is.)

I do think that you can make a deal with your husband. I didn't mention it in my previous post, but my DH and I have a 2 year deal here. We are half a year in, now, and DH is committed to his deal. No matter what great opportunity comes his way, we are going back. We rented, not sold, our house in LA. We are renting here. I am fully confident that you will be coming home if you want to, and it will not strain your marriage to do so, if you agree up front with your DH.

I also forgot to mention that at the time, our kids were in the perfect school for them. We had previously been at the wrong school, and had found the perfect fit. And they had great friends with great parents--we were in the sweet spot--that was really hard, to leave that. Socially I had finally found some great female friends and their husbands were friends with my DH.

I have met some friends here and stayed in touch with my friends back there. The kids are doing better than fine because (yes my older one there was some tears, but she's adapted) and it's been really, really good for them.

I want to encourage you because of the following: As I said, I'm a SAHM now, but before kids I was extremely ambitious in my career. I met my DH in law school; we started out similarly situated. And I remember being career-oriented, being ambitious, and also remember dumping a boyfriend who didn't understand why, for example, I couldn't keep our dinner date when my boss suddenly wanted something. So anyways, I'm a very different person now, but I respect my DH's ambition--I get it. And I believe that to stand in his way would, over time, have undercut our marriage. It's just something to think about. IF you make say, a 2 year deal like I did, I think you can have the best of it all. And his appreciation and gratitude. It had brought us closer together (and I didn't think that was possible; we're pretty tight).

Get a good credit card for miles (Starwood Amex or Chase Sapphire) and you can get your parents out there on miles. Alaska Airlines just started service to San Diego. And smartertravel.com can send your email airfare deals; it does not have to break the bank to get your parents to visit.

And San Diego is a fantastic, fantastic place to be a kid. You can ski and go to the beach on the same day. San Diego has the best weather of the mainland US. Your kids will surf, boogie-board, paddle-board, everything. And btw San Diego has some real brains out there--academic and business--it's not saturated with the entertainment culture of LA, not mis-managed like LA; and it's got serious companies out there, put there by very successful entrepreneurs who chose San Diego for the life.

And one final note--you grew up here and your family is here, and probably long-term friends, so the prospect of making new friends somewhere else might seem slim. But transplants to DC know that it's a transplant city so there are always opportunities to make friends. And like DC, there are a lot of transplants to San Diego so you won't have trouble. I'm pretty socially shy and if I can do it, anyone can.

Anyways just want to encourage you to consider a real, short term situation. I honestly can say that if I were facing the situation that you were, described as it is, I would be in exactly the intractable position that you find yourself in. I can't imagine leaving my family and the place I grew up for ever. But two years? Suddenly it's hard, a sacrifice, a huge mental hurdle, but do-able.

I really appreciate this post. Thank you for taking the time. This could be something I'd be willing to do. This way - he'd get to take the position but we would not be leaving my family permanently. My older daughter would be starting kindergarten in 2 years so it would be the perfect time to move back. This may be the perfect compromise.

[Anonymous]

I think he should take the job, it sounds like an opportunity that he would regret passing up. But as PP said make a plan to move back after 2-3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I'd move to CA. I am a SAHM, DH would be off at work all day every day and I wouldn't know anyone. It has taken me a long time to build up a group of friends here in DC, and I want to be closer to my family. I don't get along as well with my in laws, and they're not very good with the kids. Not interested in being involved grandparents. If your DH has been laid off, or was miserable at his job and couldn't find another one, then you'd have to think harder about it. Uprooting away from your family and friends just for a litt more money is not at all worth it. His parents can come visit you.

I think Hax or Dear Prudence took a question about this and the answer was the SAH parent gets veto power because it would be horribly isolating to be home without the support network.

This is complete and utter entitled bullshit nonsense. What if your husband said he should have the veto power because he's the one who works to support the family. Your head would explode. Stop being such a princess and learn how to make friends and fend for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised to hear so many people think a 10% raise is enough to uproot a family and move across the country away from close family.

YOUR family, OP. What about your DH's? Hey, you married a man from across the country. You had to have known this would come up eventually.

Here's what I don't get.....it shouldn't be HIS family and YOUR family. They are all your family. That's how marriage works. DH's parents are your vhildren's family, and you need to accept that too. Unless you all live in the same area, there's always going to have to be some effort put in to see parts of your family. I get your feelings, OP. but the fact that you keep stressing YOUR family tells me you haven't matured into the idea of what marriage and family are about long term. Maybe you two need to find a city in flyover country where you are halfway between the two families so you can stop arguing over who's family is more important.

Oh, please. My ILs are family, sure, but I would never, ever, be as happy to live near them as I would be to live near my parents.

A 10% raise to move to a high cost of living area and leave being aunt, uncle, cousin and grandparents and established social network for cold ILs who can afford to travel? No. I would oppose such a move.

The only thing that matters is how much DH and DW want it or how much it would make them miserable. I think either spouse has veto power for this kind of move.

"Oh, please?" Wow, what an argument. When you marry, you marry a family. Grow up and learn how to get along with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is a SAHM, she needs to STFU and follow her husband/follow the money.

This OP really boils down being change-averse and not wanting to leave her mommy. But she's not married to her mommy, she's married to her husband.

She's just a SAHM. She can literally do that anywhere. He's the one earning, and his career/job satisfaction matter more to the family fisc.

DING DING!! Exactly. OP sounds like a big baby to me.

[Anonymous]

^ I also thought that PP put everything the best out of all the posts on this thread. Glad you see what she's saying also, OP. Seems like you guys will be able to figure this out in a way where neither you nor DH will have to give up too much.

[Anonymous]

10:54 again. I meant the Pp that Op was responding to in 10:46.