Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

OP here. Cost of living is not really lower in San Diego. It's a tad higher than here but pretty comparable. Houses seem to cost more too. I realize it sounds a little me-centric but this is my perspective. I see why he would want to take this opportunity but I also think my reasons for wanting to stay put are valid. Family is important. I realize his parents are my family now too and I've embraced them as such. They come to visit for 2 weeks every 2 months or so and I spend all day every day they are here with them. I enjoy our time together for the most part. I am happy to do this because they are my family. My children know and love my inlaws. They know my parents a little less because they have spent less time with them. My parents both have worked full time and their time with my kids has been very limited because of this. They are just now retiring and moving here and I've looked forward to getting to spend more time with them and them getting to know my children. My sister and her kids are in the area and the kids all love to play together whenever we get together which is often. Aside from all of the friends I've made here over the past 9 years, my sister and I have become very close. She is my support here and I do not have that in San Diego. My husband would like to live closer to his parents - I realize this. He has friends in San Diego whom he grew up with that I'm sure he'd like to see more often. He hates the winters here. He could make anlittle more money and have a little more responsibility if we move across the county. I just don't know that this is enough to uproot and move our family. There is so much to stay for as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole tone of OP's post(and that of others) is a total turn off to me. "Her" family, "her" needs. Exactly, when do his emotional needs come into play. Has OP ever thought that maybe he doesn't like "her" family and would like to be closer to his for a while and to let the kids get to know their other grandparents? Whether to move is a big JOINT decision that needs to be discussed, planned, and decided on. But, it is hard to do that when it seems that one of the partner is not even considering all of the feelings of the other.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Wow, super harsh on the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the PP SoCal SAHM who hates the cold and moved away from my family. We moved for DH's job, but btw his parents are here in VA, and his brother and family is in Boston and I'm sitting here at National airport right now as we're about to go visit them. So it's a similar situation, just flipped.

I am very sympathetic to your resistance to move away from your family. I totally get it. And I get the big-time fear that if you moved, you'd never get back. That was my #1 fear (besides the cold, that is.)

I do think that you can make a deal with your husband. I didn't mention it in my previous post, but my DH and I have a 2 year deal here. We are half a year in, now, and DH is committed to his deal. No matter what great opportunity comes his way, we are going back. We rented, not sold, our house in LA. We are renting here. I am fully confident that you will be coming home if you want to, and it will not strain your marriage to do so, if you agree up front with your DH.

I also forgot to mention that at the time, our kids were in the perfect school for them. We had previously been at the wrong school, and had found the perfect fit. And they had great friends with great parents--we were in the sweet spot--that was really hard, to leave that. Socially I had finally found some great female friends and their husbands were friends with my DH.

I have met some friends here and stayed in touch with my friends back there. The kids are doing better than fine because (yes my older one there was some tears, but she's adapted) and it's been really, really good for them.

I want to encourage you because of the following: As I said, I'm a SAHM now, but before kids I was extremely ambitious in my career. I met my DH in law school; we started out similarly situated. And I remember being career-oriented, being ambitious, and also remember dumping a boyfriend who didn't understand why, for example, I couldn't keep our dinner date when my boss suddenly wanted something. So anyways, I'm a very different person now, but I respect my DH's ambition--I get it. And I believe that to stand in his way would, over time, have undercut our marriage. It's just something to think about. IF you make say, a 2 year deal like I did, I think you can have the best of it all. And his appreciation and gratitude. It had brought us closer together (and I didn't think that was possible; we're pretty tight).

Get a good credit card for miles (Starwood Amex or Chase Sapphire) and you can get your parents out there on miles. Alaska Airlines just started service to San Diego. And smartertravel.com can send your email airfare deals; it does not have to break the bank to get your parents to visit.

And San Diego is a fantastic, fantastic place to be a kid. You can ski and go to the beach on the same day. San Diego has the best weather of the mainland US. Your kids will surf, boogie-board, paddle-board, everything. And btw San Diego has some real brains out there--academic and business--it's not saturated with the entertainment culture of LA, not mis-managed like LA; and it's got serious companies out there, put there by very successful entrepreneurs who chose San Diego for the life.

And one final note--you grew up here and your family is here, and probably long-term friends, so the prospect of making new friends somewhere else might seem slim. But transplants to DC know that it's a transplant city so there are always opportunities to make friends. And like DC, there are a lot of transplants to San Diego so you won't have trouble. I'm pretty socially shy and if I can do it, anyone can.

Anyways just want to encourage you to consider a real, short term situation. I honestly can say that if I were facing the situation that you were, described as it is, I would be in exactly the intractable position that you find yourself in. I can't imagine leaving my family and the place I grew up for ever. But two years? Suddenly it's hard, a sacrifice, a huge mental hurdle, but do-able.

I really appreciate this post. Thank you for taking the time. This could be something I'd be willing to do. This way - he'd get to take the position but we would not be leaving my family permanently. My older daughter would be starting kindergarten in 2 years so it would be the perfect time to move back. This may be the perfect compromise.

OP, don't get your heart set on two years exactly. Life happens. Your DH may get a big promotion in CA. Then what? You're going to badger him into giving it up and leaving because you made a "deal?" This is not realistic.

Original poster here (the SoCal PP) Just want to say that this DC move has opened up a lot of doors for DH, and one opportunity in particular that would be a very big deal. DH isn't even considering it. "No. We agreed to come here for two years, and that's it, we're going back."

In a healthy marriage, you give what you get. DH understands what he got, and he's going to give me back the gift I gave to him. OP this can be done. If he's a decent guy, it can be done; we're the proof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised by how much people here don't value being close to family. Yes, in SD they would be near her husband's parents. But that's it. Here they have aunts, uncles and cousins too -- a whole tribe. I never had that growing up around here, and I know that my parents really missed their family in Boston. As I kid I didn't think about it much one way or another, but now as an adult I think how nice it would have been to have really gotten to know all of the aunts, uncles and cousins who lived there. They're all still close as adults, and though I love them we have a more distant relationship. I feel very lucky that my parents and siblings and their families are now all in this area, and I hope that everyone stays here and my kids can grow up with extended family in a way I didn't.

No one here has said they don't value being close to family - just that, as an adult, you have to make the best decision for yourself and your children, and that shouldn't be based solely on where your family lives. Lots of us have lived away from family and managed not to just survive, but thrive. Life is what you make of it and OP is thinking too small. Her DH will grow to resent her, without a doubt.

Why is she thinking too small? Why is San Diego necessarily the best decision? Is a 10 percent raise and the chance of further growth really that enticing? Her DH is in government contracting and there's as much, if not more, opportunity around here as in San Diego. It's not like she refuses to leave her small hometown in the Midwest. I would think that a large, close, loving nearby family could easily tip the balance in favor of DC. Life is indeed what you make of it. That doesn't mean it's about maximizing earning potential at all costs.

Um, wouldn't her husband be in the best position to judge this for himself. Seeing as he is the one doing the work? I mean, how would YOU know where his job opportunities are pp?

[Anonymous]

Here's a thought. OP, you said your husband's parents are well-off financially and they fly out to DC 6 times a year.

If you guys move to San Diego, they won't have to take those trips anymore, and will save a lot of $$$. Maybe they would be willing to share some of that saved money with you guys so that you & the kids could fly back to DC multiple times a year?

I don't know if that's something you would be comfortable with, but it's a thought.

[Anonymous]

Actually, how likely is it that his company just happened to have an opening in San Diego? It seems he's looking for a job there. Maybe if he kept looking here her eventually find a better position. I think they need to decide as a family whether yo uproot and under what conditions to return.

[Anonymous]

Saying DH gets to call the shots because OP is a SAH mom is like saying DH can't make any parenting decisions. It doesn't work that way, and you guys know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, how likely is it that his company just happened to have an opening in San Diego? It seems he's looking for a job there. Maybe if he kept looking here her eventually find a better position. I think they need to decide as a family whether yo uproot and under what conditions to return.

Yea, I am sure that job caught his attention because that is where he wants to be. That's the point a lot of people are missing and that OP needs to grab by the horns. Her DH does not want to live here long term- he wants to live in San Diego. He probably realizes that once the IL's move here, the OP will not be going anywhere and he will be stuck. In his mind, this is Waterloo. If he does not leave now, he is never leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, how likely is it that his company just happened to have an opening in San Diego? It seems he's looking for a job there. Maybe if he kept looking here her eventually find a better position. I think they need to decide as a family whether yo uproot and under what conditions to return.

Yea, I am sure that job caught his attention because that is where he wants to be. That's the point a lot of people are missing and that OP needs to grab by the horns. Her DH does not want to live here long term- he wants to live in San Diego. He probably realizes that once the IL's move here, the OP will not be going anywhere and he will be stuck. In his mind, this is Waterloo. If he does not leave now, he is never leaving.

Who knows? Maybe he is starting to feel suffocated by having to be around her family so much. Having family close by (esp. so many members) is not always a positive. My DH's family all live in another city. If we lived near them, I would not be excited.

So, OP, if you get what you want, how are you going to make it up to your DH? You led him to believe that moving to the west coast was a realistic possibility, and he wants to go back. If he stays to make you happy, are you willing
to get a job so funds are available for him to take his kids to see his family? There is nothing in anything you've said about what you are willing to give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, how likely is it that his company just happened to have an opening in San Diego? It seems he's looking for a job there. Maybe if he kept looking here her eventually find a better position. I think they need to decide as a family whether yo uproot and under what conditions to return.

Yea, I am sure that job caught his attention because that is where he wants to be. That's the point a lot of people are missing and that OP needs to grab by the horns. Her DH does not want to live here long term- he wants to live in San Diego. He probably realizes that once the IL's move here, the OP will not be going anywhere and he will be stuck. In his mind, this is Waterloo. If he does not leave now, he is never leaving.

And we havvvvvvveeee a winnnahhhh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is not totally out of the blue. We've been here for 9 years and he has always said he'd love to move back to San Diego but I always kind if ignored it thinking he's a govt contractor and the work is generally here. I know I was wrong to ignore it but I have worked hard to build us a life here and I think it's a great life.

Herein lies the problem. For your entire marriage he has mentioned moving to CA. Instead of you discussing it the first few times he mentioned it, you ignored it, wow that was real mature. I would've taken your silence as agreement! Now that its doable you are acting like a child.

I get not wanting to move, my husband wants to move too. But as soon as he brings up a place that doesn't work for me, I let him know. However, you can't relegate him to an entire career in one city because ALL of your family is there, how selfish.

Dh here - thanks for posting this. To the OP, read this. My wife did this. And I had spent significant time pre-marriage working to ensure that my soon to be wife knew that I would not limit myself to where we currently lived, and that if we had to her Mom, a widower, could come with us. After marriage, that all changed. Her Mom didn't want to leave, my wife instead of explaining it to my MIL, told me to get over it and we never looked at opportunities. For awhile in my early career I was making 1M a year in stock option growth - could never pursue jobs at HQ or anywhere else.

Left that firm and her take was go get a job. I said I don't want a job I have a career, or I want to go on my own. My wife never let our core family be the most important. And it killed our marriage. I have come to realize exactly how selfish she was - she realizes it now - that we should have lived life. That a husband making a 1M should have a say in were to live instead of MIL living on Social security. Absolutely killed us. Waiting for kids to get older and both acknowledge we will divorce.

Put your primary family and your husband first - be the reason he is successful and he will love you all day long. He will cherish you. Box him in, constrain him so you can SAHM, trust me, one day he will look at you with disdain.

[Anonymous]

OP here - we talked a ton about it tonight. He feels like it would really look bad for him to turn down this opportunity of advancement within his company. It looks like we would be living a little further north tan San Dego because the job is more based in LA/Long Beach so now he's talking about Newport Beach, OC, Huntington Beach so we'd be an hour or so from his parents. I'm thinking about offering to take a trip out there to see if its a place I could see our family in. I just keep coming back to not wanting to leave our life here - especially my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we talked a ton about it tonight. He feels like it would really look bad for him to turn down this opportunity of advancement within his company. It looks like we would be living a little further north tan San Dego because the job is more based in LA/Long Beach so now he's talking about Newport Beach, OC, Huntington Beach so we'd be an hour or so from his parents. I'm thinking about offering to take a trip out there to see if its a place I could see our family in. I just keep coming back to not wanting to leave our life here - especially my family.

Your DH and your kids are your most important priority. Your DH is the sole source of your HHI. His career is the key to your family's future financial security. His income will send your kids to college and fund your retirement. To risk his career because you don't want to be away from your mommy is just silly.

It's time to grow up a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we talked a ton about it tonight. He feels like it would really look bad for him to turn down this opportunity of advancement within his company. It looks like we would be living a little further north tan San Dego because the job is more based in LA/Long Beach so now he's talking about Newport Beach, OC, Huntington Beach so we'd be an hour or so from his parents. I'm thinking about offering to take a trip out there to see if its a place I could see our family in. I just keep coming back to not wanting to leave our life here - especially my family.

It is interesting that you see 'your family' as being your parents nad siblings more than you see your 'family' as being your husband and kids. YOUR family is your husband and kids and you wouldn't be leaving them - you would be moving with them. Your extended family will miss you but your kids barely know your parents so it isn't like they are leaving close extended family that is supportive and an active part of their lives. Many, many kids don't live near their aunts, uncles and cousins all their lives. If you go west for a few years with YOUR family, you still have plenty of time to move again and to spend more time with your parent and siblings.

I am not saying you should just leave because your husband wants to but I to think it is very telling that being near your extended family is more important to you than your own husband and kids. Maybe your husband could take the kids and go and you can stay here with your family.