Reply to Husband wants to move for job, I don't

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[quote=Anonymous]A 10% pay raise would not be enough to make me take a new job in the same location, let alone moving for it. I'd personally only take a new job if the raise was at least 15% (and that is without moving).

I was in a similar situation as OP when I was dating my now-husband. Here is the short story.

I met my DH in 2007 in DC. In summer 2008, he decided to take a job out of state because his parents planned to retire there within a few years. I was 30 at the time, almost 31. I'd been dating him 1.5 years and thinking it would lead to marriage. We were not yet engaged or married. I did not think I would actually make the move because I did not want to leave D.C. He is a government worker and I did not think when we were dating he'd leave DC unless it was for the Northeast (where we are both from, which I would have been fine moving to because that is closer to my family.) When I was dating, I did not date people who did not plan to stay in DC or who were not from either the Northeast or MidAtlantic for fear that someday they might want to move back home: #1, my career is D.C. based and #2 I did not want to move (I moved as a child...we moved for several moves for my dad's career and we were all miserable). I did not want to move as adult. I moved to DC when I was 21 and did not plan on leaving.

I told my then-boyfriend I would only move if we someday got married. We decided to do long-distance for awhile, and he proposed about 7 months after he moved. We got married in late 2009. I was never sure I was doing the right thing. But I did not want to lose the relationship and I did not want to start dating all over again because I thought it could take years to find a relationship as good aside from the difference in where we wanted to live. If I had been a few years younger, I might not have made the same decision because I really, really did not want to move.

So, I moved and got married, with a caveat--we would definitely return to DC in no less than seven years if we got married. He agreed.

We both have D.C.-based careers so there are more job options there for both of us so it is definite that we will move back. I am not sure this is the case for the OP. It might be very hard to come back.

Honestly, the first 6 months of marriage was very hard because I did not want to be in the new location.

It has been 4 years since then, and only recently have I become less resentful because I know that we can finally move back in 3.5 years.

In my situation I had no veto power if I wanted to stay in the relationship because we were not married or engaged even.

But in a marriage, moving across the country needs to be a joint decision. Otherwise, the OP could become resentful if she really does not want to move. I would think they would have discussed this before marriage (like if she would be willing to move to SoCal if the option came up).

I, fortunately, have been able to keep my DC job and I travel for work and telecommute. I think I'd have gotten a divorce if it weren't for my job. (And we also have a child now.)

If the OP really wants to stay in Va, then I think this is the answer: go back to work. Money is power. If you both work in DC/VA, the 10% raise makes no difference.

Or, if you have a job that only has a lot of future opportunities for you in DC, then that should be a reason NOT to move. So, when you go back to work, you have professional options, too.

However, OP, if you really want to be a SAHM and you don't plan on going back to the workforce, then moving to CA might not be that bad. You could think of it as an adventure...but you'd have to realize that you might not get back.

Fortunately, in the new location, we now have a wonderful circle of friends, who have also just started having kids. We have more friends in the new location than we ever had in DC. So, now, when we do go back to DC, it will be bittersweet because we have so many people we are close to now in our new location (DH's parents live two hours from us here).

The fact that my earning power will be higher when we ultimately get back to D.C. gives me more leverage to move back. (My parents live in NY and my bro in MA)

It seems that the OP has more family here than the DH has in SoCal. That should be a factor.

I think couples counseling might help to work out this decision. Seriously. Both parties could end up resentful if they move (her) or if they stay (him).

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