AP to “Stepmom”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

No, they don’t.

My son’s best friend got 100% of his dad’s estate when he died. He was married to his affair partner and second wife.

He even got his dad’s half of the house that the new wife lived in. She had to either buy him out or sell the house and split it.

She couldn’t afford the house so she sold the house and half of the proceeds, went to the son.

[Anonymous]

My friend is a divorce lawyer. One thing she loves to do is men come to court and they say “you will not keep me from my children. I want them every other weekend.”

Then she presents them with a plan where they are required to take the child every other week for a whole week.

The fear in their eyes she says is glorious.

They immediately take the stance that they can’t because of their job, lol.

Judges do not play. judges are like do you want your children or do you not want your .

These men’s lives are turned upside down and the new girlfriend is like oh no I did not sign up for this.

The relationship always ends in the next six months. Only one percent of a fair partners become wives.

Quite often when the wife is the cheater, the men really do want their kids half the time or more. That’s a whole different post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

That depends on the laws of each state, and on how assets are titled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

But this is the purpose of a prenup is a second marriage yes? You can contract out of elective share if both parties agree?

That said I have no advice to offer on how you would (1) get a cheating spouse to agree in divorce proceedings that any future marriage must have a prenup and (2) actually enforce that because what happens if spouse goes ahead and marries AP without a prenup?

It seems better to require some commitment to funding accounts or trusts in the children’s name at time of divorce ?

Have you been divorced? You can’t make a cheating spouse agree to require a prenup in subsequent marriages or fund accounts in the children’s names. You would have to have extraordinary leverage or give something up. Also, a younger AP isn’t going to waive an elective share in a prenup. She’ll have counsel and they won’t let her do that. I have a coworker who is a younger second wife and she purposefully saves almost all of her income in accounts that she controls and her DH covers their living expenses. The rest of his income has income went to first kids and their expenses for years, so he doesn’t have much saved beyond retirement accounts. He’s out earns her by a big margin and is fine (or at least hasn’t pushed back) with their set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

No, they don’t.

My son’s best friend got 100% of his dad’s estate when he died. He was married to his affair partner and second wife.

He even got his dad’s half of the house that the new wife lived in. She had to either buy him out or sell the house and split it.

She couldn’t afford the house so she sold the house and half of the proceeds, went to the son.

Unlikely for two reasons:

Most married couples own their home as joint tenants with rights of survivorship. House passes to spouse outside of probate.

Very few people waive an elective share in a prenup.

Either your story is fabricated, or the second wife was unintelligent and had bad legal counsel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

No, they don’t.

My son’s best friend got 100% of his dad’s estate when he died. He was married to his affair partner and second wife.

He even got his dad’s half of the house that the new wife lived in. She had to either buy him out or sell the house and split it.

She couldn’t afford the house so she sold the house and half of the proceeds, went to the son.

Unlikely for two reasons:

Most married couples own their home as joint tenants with rights of survivorship. House passes to spouse outside of probate.

Very few people waive an elective share in a prenup.

Either your story is fabricated, or the second wife was unintelligent and had bad legal counsel.

Doubt she had any legal counsel. She won the prize. Lol

They got married, she signed the prenup . he gets diagnosed with cancer two months later. She’s a nurse maid for 10 years.

I’m sure he left her a little bit of money.

Everything’s in a trust, she has no access to the trust. The house was in the trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STBXH has been having an affair with a younger woman which is at least the most obvious cause of our divorce.

The affair has consisted as far as I can tell of all the best parts of the fun (and well funded) early infatuation / limerence phase.

By the time divorce is final and split custody really kicks in, it will be the first time she’s around our children.

It will also be the first time ExH has the children solo for such extended periods of time.

I’m worried for my kids of course but also just puzzled how this works for them. Maybe it’s just morbid curiosity but it seems like those changes will be more difficult to them than me (going from almost no help since I’m primary parent to more time off for myself).

We are still ironing out the details on custody etc so I’d anyone has BTDT and has any advice on things I may not be considering on the settlement agreement I’m all ears.

(I don’t know if she will officially become stepmom hence the quotation marks in subject line but I’m sure there will be some level of her playing at that role)

Advice?

1) Don’t badmouth her. Or him.
2) Resist the urge to monitor or control their interactions with him or her when they are in his custody.
3) Don’t get depressed if they like her. She’s probably younger, prettier and more fun.
4) Don’t make the mistake of assuming your husband won’t be able to handle the kids on their own. He will be fine — they all are. Sometimes that comes as a disappointment to moms who think they will fall flat on their faces.

.


OP here. Thanks.

1. I’m not badmouthing her. Harder with him as I’ve been confiding in a couple friends and family. But not to the kids!!

2. Fair enough. Honestly I feel like the less I know the better for me.

3. She is all 3 of these. I’d date her. At this point a lot sooner than I’d date him lol.

4. He is certainly competent to do this. They aren’t that hard. It’s just that he seems to be doing it begrudgingly and being around them always puts him in an awful mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

But this is the purpose of a prenup is a second marriage yes? You can contract out of elective share if both parties agree?

That said I have no advice to offer on how you would (1) get a cheating spouse to agree in divorce proceedings that any future marriage must have a prenup and (2) actually enforce that because what happens if spouse goes ahead and marries AP without a prenup?

It seems better to require some commitment to funding accounts or trusts in the children’s name at time of divorce ?

Have you been divorced? You can’t make a cheating spouse agree to require a prenup in subsequent marriages or fund accounts in the children’s names. You would have to have extraordinary leverage or give something up. Also, a younger AP isn’t going to waive an elective share in a prenup. She’ll have counsel and they won’t let her do that. I have a coworker who is a younger second wife and she purposefully saves almost all of her income in accounts that she controls and her DH covers their living expenses. The rest of his income has income went to first kids and their expenses for years, so he doesn’t have much saved beyond retirement accounts. He’s out earns her by a big margin and is fine (or at least hasn’t pushed back) with their set up.

Right I think we are saying the same thing. In the abstract it seems like that is what you would do but I dont see how it works in practice. I was wondering about prefunding something like college though. I think another poster mentioned that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the expectation of inhertance. That's a parents choice based on many factors. If Dad remarries and is married 30-40+ years after this marriage, its not reasonable to expect her to get nothing and live in poverty. She should inherit it all and they need to agree on how to leave the proceeds. My sibling got both my parents to change their wills and leave them everything - or at least that's what they said (I cut them off at that point). It is what it is.

A spouse, at minimum, gets an elective share of 33-50% of the deceased person's estate. You can't disinherit your spouse. It is contrary to public policy as it shifts the responsibility to care for the living spouse from the marriage to the taxpayers.

Also, some people may not realize that some or much of a couple's apparent wealth may belong to their stepmom. Previously married men had to divide their assets in half plus many pay child support, alimony, and kids' expenses, including possibly their college, and may not have much left over when they pass. Sometimes, his wife is the one who saved, so the accounts are in her name and not a part of his estate.

No, they don’t.

My son’s best friend got 100% of his dad’s estate when he died. He was married to his affair partner and second wife.

He even got his dad’s half of the house that the new wife lived in. She had to either buy him out or sell the house and split it.

She couldn’t afford the house so she sold the house and half of the proceeds, went to the son.

Doesn’t this vary by state ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

Maybe for a while, but nit long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is a divorce lawyer. One thing she loves to do is men come to court and they say “you will not keep me from my children. I want them every other weekend.”

Then she presents them with a plan where they are required to take the child every other week for a whole week.

The fear in their eyes she says is glorious.

They immediately take the stance that they can’t because of their job, lol.

Judges do not play. judges are like do you want your children or do you not want your .

These men’s lives are turned upside down and the new girlfriend is like oh no I did not sign up for this.

The relationship always ends in the next six months. Only one percent of a fair partners become wives.

Quite often when the wife is the cheater, the men really do want their kids half the time or more. That’s a whole different post.

This doesn’t sound at all correct or current. Fathers typically want and get 50% custody, not every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother had an affair when his son was 3-4 years old and married ap when son was about 5 (ap was pregnant). They now have two children / have been married about a decade. I don’t ageee with how they went about things, but she adores my nephew and he’s crazy about his younger siblings and his “bonus” grandparents. My former SIL doesn’t see it this way (for obvious reasons) but it really is more love for their son at this point. My former SIL is really kind to my brother’s other children, but doesn’t deal well with my brother or SIL after 10 years. My brother and his wife also behave poorly sometimes even though I know all three adults love my nephew. As hard as it is, I wish they’d all let the anger and pettiness go after 10 years because there are times that they make choices to spite each other than affect my nephew.

Just curious is there a meaningful age gap here at all?

No, not meaningful (second wife is 2.5 years younger than first wife)

A friend had a husband who had an emotional affair and he married the other woman. They share custody. She updated her will to have the new wife be the guardian after her / her ex because she wanted them to stay in a home they already lived in and with an adult who cared for them if anything happened to her. I was impressed despite bitterness toward her ex she could have this perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is a divorce lawyer. One thing she loves to do is men come to court and they say “you will not keep me from my children. I want them every other weekend.”

Then she presents them with a plan where they are required to take the child every other week for a whole week.

The fear in their eyes she says is glorious.

They immediately take the stance that they can’t because of their job, lol.

Judges do not play. judges are like do you want your children or do you not want your .

These men’s lives are turned upside down and the new girlfriend is like oh no I did not sign up for this.

The relationship always ends in the next six months. Only one percent of a fair partners become wives.

Quite often when the wife is the cheater, the men really do want their kids half the time or more. That’s a whole different post.

This doesn’t sound at all correct or current. Fathers typically want and get 50% custody, not every other weekend.

Not ones starting new families with AP.

Normal divorces you are correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STBXH has been having an affair with a younger woman which is at least the most obvious cause of our divorce.

The affair has consisted as far as I can tell of all the best parts of the fun (and well funded) early infatuation / limerence phase.

By the time divorce is final and split custody really kicks in, it will be the first time she’s around our children.

It will also be the first time ExH has the children solo for such extended periods of time.

I’m worried for my kids of course but also just puzzled how this works for them. Maybe it’s just morbid curiosity but it seems like those changes will be more difficult to them than me (going from almost no help since I’m primary parent to more time off for myself).

We are still ironing out the details on custody etc so I’d anyone has BTDT and has any advice on things I may not be considering on the settlement agreement I’m all ears.

(I don’t know if she will officially become stepmom hence the quotation marks in subject line but I’m sure there will be some level of her playing at that role)

Advice?

1) Don’t badmouth her. Or him.
2) Resist the urge to monitor or control their interactions with him or her when they are in his custody.
3) Don’t get depressed if they like her. She’s probably younger, prettier and more fun.
4) Don’t make the mistake of assuming your husband won’t be able to handle the kids on their own. He will be fine — they all are. Sometimes that comes as a disappointment to moms who think they will fall flat on their faces.

.


OP here. Thanks.

1. I’m not badmouthing her. Harder with him as I’ve been confiding in a couple friends and family. But not to the kids!!

2. Fair enough. Honestly I feel like the less I know the better for me.

3. She is all 3 of these. I’d date her. At this point a lot sooner than I’d date him lol.

4. He is certainly competent to do this. They aren’t that hard. It’s just that he seems to be doing it begrudgingly and being around them always puts him in an awful mood.

On the bright side he’s not your problem anymore. It’s not great for your kids but it’s his relationship with them that will suffer. Always make yourself a safe refuge and they will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is a divorce lawyer. One thing she loves to do is men come to court and they say “you will not keep me from my children. I want them every other weekend.”

Then she presents them with a plan where they are required to take the child every other week for a whole week.

The fear in their eyes she says is glorious.

They immediately take the stance that they can’t because of their job, lol.

Judges do not play. judges are like do you want your children or do you not want your .

These men’s lives are turned upside down and the new girlfriend is like oh no I did not sign up for this.

The relationship always ends in the next six months. Only one percent of a fair partners become wives.

Quite often when the wife is the cheater, the men really do want their kids half the time or more. That’s a whole different post.

This doesn’t sound at all correct or current. Fathers typically want and get 50% custody, not every other weekend.

Hahahaha. Yes this is kind of what I’m expecting. He leaned sooooo hard into wanting 50/50 but there’s no way he actually wants it given his current lifestyle. I went along with it because I really take the point kids need both parents and want to give him a shot and even if he’s not great now I think kids grow quickly and maybe a different stage he’ll be a better dad. Tho I’m fully prepared and happy to have my kiddos around more if he’s not able to keep up with the 50/50 or AP throws a fit.