AP to “Stepmom”

[Anonymous]

As an adult who lived through this as a kid:

What you can’t control:

How she treats them
If she has kid(s) with your ex

What you can hopefully control in your agreement:

College expenses
Estate planning.

Kids need an irrevocable trust. Crucial if AP wants kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

Nope. What adults think of as “fun” is not necessarily what the kids think is fun. Kids are selfish and like to be fed on time and generally be the center of attention.

OP, I wasn’t in your situation as the divorce was not due to an affair, but my ex husband cycled through many significant others, three in just 2024, as reported by my [now adult ] daughter. My kids liked some of these women more than the others, but I was never in competition with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

Hahaha I know. She is the age of most of our babysitters. I’m hoping at least one silver lining to all this is more help with the kids. He does not really engage with them so maybe she will… I just worry that ultimately she will resent them and that will show up in how she treats them. Especially since she has zero experience with what living with kids is actually like.

As a man I feel bad for your ex DH. Older men marrying younger women just doesn't work in the long term. It just doesn't. I don't care how many stupid men come here bragging about it it doesn't work. It seems to work better for women. For men it's a bad idea, a horrible one.

It depends on the situation. My husband's ex had the affair, we met years later. I'm 10 years younger and we've been married over 20 years. The bigger issue is once a cheater always a cheater and he'll probably cheat on the AP too (or she will).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to act like such a B, but some of these men really have no concept of full time solo parenting. Meals, activities and cleanup will probably exhaust him. Enjoy watching the show.

He can learn.

[Anonymous]

If he has been a dad for eight years and hasn’t leaned how to grocery shop and prepare food it’s doubtful he will now. Not divorced but a girlfriend talked about the part where your daughter is a teenager and tells you that you are a frump compared to Debbie who loves pop music and TikTok videos about makeup. that would be rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who divorce don’t care about the kids anyway,

Let me correct you
Cheaters who leave for their AP don’t care about the kids anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have minimized the AP in my mind so that she has nothing to do with my marriage or my divorce. She's just a symptom who is inheriting a person who is so damaged I almost feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what's coming. I'm sorry you have young children involved. Mine are older but it was still so painful to realize that she would inevitably become part of their lives. If you can reframe your perspective on her it might help. Their relationship might blow up or it might last for the rest of their lives so planning for her to be a part of your kids' lives is probably prudent.

I would focus on working on yourself so you can be the stable parent. Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love". Give yourself a lot of grace. The stronger you are, the better a mom you can be.

I'm no longer focused on why my ex behaved as he did (and continues to behave). It doesn't matter. I have better insight into why I was drawn to a person like that. What my ex does and who he does it with isn't my concern. It's probably more helpful not to villainize her if she is going to be around your children. Try to neutralize her. I'm in your corner and I'm sorry. I don't think any of us wanted to be in this club.

Thank you for this. I’ve been focused on just being calm and present for my kids and self care etc. I have zero understanding why he did this. And you are right I probably never will. How did you go about the introspection on being drawn to someone who does this? I was so blindsided so assume there must be red flags I missed because it feels like he is a different person out of nowhere. I have always.prided myself on being independent and supporting myself and really took time to trial a lot of things with him before marriage. I did probably discount family of origin issues however.

[Anonymous]

OP you are putting a lot of personal details out on the internet...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are putting a lot of personal details out on the internet...

Are you the AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has been a dad for eight years and hasn’t leaned how to grocery shop and prepare food it’s doubtful he will now. Not divorced but a girlfriend talked about the part where your daughter is a teenager and tells you that you are a frump compared to Debbie who loves pop music and TikTok videos about makeup. that would be rough.

He can have groceries delivered. Most men can do far more than women say if given the chance. He'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have minimized the AP in my mind so that she has nothing to do with my marriage or my divorce. She's just a symptom who is inheriting a person who is so damaged I almost feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what's coming. I'm sorry you have young children involved. Mine are older but it was still so painful to realize that she would inevitably become part of their lives. If you can reframe your perspective on her it might help. Their relationship might blow up or it might last for the rest of their lives so planning for her to be a part of your kids' lives is probably prudent.

I would focus on working on yourself so you can be the stable parent. Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love". Give yourself a lot of grace. The stronger you are, the better a mom you can be.

I'm no longer focused on why my ex behaved as he did (and continues to behave). It doesn't matter. I have better insight into why I was drawn to a person like that. What my ex does and who he does it with isn't my concern. It's probably more helpful not to villainize her if she is going to be around your children. Try to neutralize her. I'm in your corner and I'm sorry. I don't think any of us wanted to be in this club.

Thank you for this. I’ve been focused on just being calm and present for my kids and self care etc. I have zero understanding why he did this. And you are right I probably never will. How did you go about the introspection on being drawn to someone who does this? I was so blindsided so assume there must be red flags I missed because it feels like he is a different person out of nowhere. I have always.prided myself on being independent and supporting myself and really took time to trial a lot of things with him before marriage. I did probably discount family of origin issues however.

You will never understand why he did this. Divorce, move on and find someone who loves and respects you. Don't put any more effort into this marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to act like such a B, but some of these men really have no concept of full time solo parenting. Meals, activities and cleanup will probably exhaust him. Enjoy watching the show.

LOL. He has the AP to do all that now.

If she has her own place, she might not be around enough to play housewife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

They'll never love her more than they love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who divorce don’t care about the kids anyway,

Let me correct you
Cheaters who leave for their AP don’t care about the kids anyway

BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are putting a lot of personal details out on the internet...

Oh shoot. I had assumed from all the threads on DCUM I saw on cheating there are loads of us. Is it really just 3 or 4 of us suckers and this is incredibly obvious to everyone who I am?