AP to “Stepmom”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Will the figure out dad’s friend is an AP? Have you and he talked about when it’s okay to introduce new people?

Yes, it’s quite possible that the affair will fizzle out when the reality of life with kids hits, esp when they are not your kids. It’s also possible that she will take on the stepparent role, whether grudgingly or happily. Best you can hope for is that she is good to them, communicates with you and doesn’t throw your kids under the bus if/when she and your Stbx have kids. The less drama the kids feel, the better, even though it sucks for you.

Almost all of them throw the kids under the bus if they have one of their own.

[Anonymous]

As hard as it will be embrace her for your kids sake .

Try and communicate with him and her .
I know people in this board hate the stepmom blah blah blah however the kids are the priority

You argue with her you lose

You don’t have to be best friends but anger doesn’t hep your kids

Now if she’s actively hurting your kids then by all means crush her but if she’s actively trying in a good way then best for the kids is getting along gracefully.

[Anonymous]

Hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Are you going to do 50/50 or is the ex willing to give you more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Will the figure out dad’s friend is an AP? Have you and he talked about when it’s okay to introduce new people?

Yes, it’s quite possible that the affair will fizzle out when the reality of life with kids hits, esp when they are not your kids. It’s also possible that she will take on the stepparent role, whether grudgingly or happily. Best you can hope for is that she is good to them, communicates with you and doesn’t throw your kids under the bus if/when she and your Stbx have kids. The less drama the kids feel, the better, even though it sucks for you.

Almost all of them throw the kids under the bus if they have one of their own.

Of course, because she will always be their step-mon. To her kids, she’ll just be mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

Hahaha I know. She is the age of most of our babysitters. I’m hoping at least one silver lining to all this is more help with the kids. He does not really engage with them so maybe she will… I just worry that ultimately she will resent them and that will show up in how she treats them. Especially since she has zero experience with what living with kids is actually like.

Is your ex really wealthy? Otherwise she is going to bail for a younger guy with no baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

Hahaha I know. She is the age of most of our babysitters. I’m hoping at least one silver lining to all this is more help with the kids. He does not really engage with them so maybe she will… I just worry that ultimately she will resent them and that will show up in how she treats them. Especially since she has zero experience with what living with kids is actually like.

As a man I feel bad for your ex DH. Older men marrying younger women just doesn't work in the long term. It just doesn't. I don't care how many stupid men come here bragging about it it doesn't work. It seems to work better for women. For men it's a bad idea, a horrible one.

[Anonymous]

I have minimized the AP in my mind so that she has nothing to do with my marriage or my divorce. She's just a symptom who is inheriting a person who is so damaged I almost feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what's coming. I'm sorry you have young children involved. Mine are older but it was still so painful to realize that she would inevitably become part of their lives. If you can reframe your perspective on her it might help. Their relationship might blow up or it might last for the rest of their lives so planning for her to be a part of your kids' lives is probably prudent.

I would focus on working on yourself so you can be the stable parent. Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love". Give yourself a lot of grace. The stronger you are, the better a mom you can be.

I'm no longer focused on why my ex behaved as he did (and continues to behave). It doesn't matter. I have better insight into why I was drawn to a person like that. What my ex does and who he does it with isn't my concern. It's probably more helpful not to villainize her if she is going to be around your children. Try to neutralize her. I'm in your corner and I'm sorry. I don't think any of us wanted to be in this club.

[Anonymous]

Kids will be fine. If not, sure they will let you know.
Find something else to fixate on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

Hahaha I know. She is the age of most of our babysitters. I’m hoping at least one silver lining to all this is more help with the kids. He does not really engage with them so maybe she will… I just worry that ultimately she will resent them and that will show up in how she treats them. Especially since she has zero experience with what living with kids is actually like.

As a man I feel bad for your ex DH. Older men marrying younger women just doesn't work in the long term. It just doesn't. I don't care how many stupid men come here bragging about it it doesn't work. It seems to work better for women. For men it's a bad idea, a horrible one.

Ah, yes. Men pursuing younger women doesn’t work. But women pursuing younger men does. All of us “men” know that.

[Anonymous]

Well time will tell. Just be glad you don't need to be a nurse to this loser. She can do that job in his old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope the kids know about the affair. I hope they have heard it from you. Talk about it being very wrong. Do not have them wondering "why" the divorce. They have an innate sense of right vs wrong and if no adult around them who they look-up to affirms right vs wrong, it can really wreak their emotional well being, being able to trust their view of reality. Obviously don't go on-and-on about it, but tell them.

This is very destructive advice.

[Anonymous]

I hate to act like such a B, but some of these men really have no concept of full time solo parenting. Meals, activities and cleanup will probably exhaust him. Enjoy watching the show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to act like such a B, but some of these men really have no concept of full time solo parenting. Meals, activities and cleanup will probably exhaust him. Enjoy watching the show.

LOL. He has the AP to do all that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to act like such a B, but some of these men really have no concept of full time solo parenting. Meals, activities and cleanup will probably exhaust him. Enjoy watching the show.

LOL. He has the AP to do all that now.

Uh, she's not going to agree to do that and she's going to resent the time he spends doing it, and this will all blow up spectacularly.