AP to “Stepmom”

[Anonymous]

STBXH has been having an affair with a younger woman which is at least the most obvious cause of our divorce.

The affair has consisted as far as I can tell of all the best parts of the fun (and well funded) early infatuation / limerence phase.

By the time divorce is final and split custody really kicks in, it will be the first time she’s around our children.

It will also be the first time ExH has the children solo for such extended periods of time.

I’m worried for my kids of course but also just puzzled how this works for them. Maybe it’s just morbid curiosity but it seems like those changes will be more difficult to them than me (going from almost no help since I’m primary parent to more time off for myself).

We are still ironing out the details on custody etc so I’d anyone has BTDT and has any advice on things I may not be considering on the settlement agreement I’m all ears.

(I don’t know if she will officially become stepmom hence the quotation marks in subject line but I’m sure there will be some level of her playing at that role)

[Anonymous]

They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. This will be tough for your kids.

[Anonymous]

It probley won't work out when real life comes into play. Hopefully she will be nice to your children. You can't control what they do but try to keeps things civil with your ex. They have a big adjustment period.

I know it's very painful but you will turn out fine.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Will the figure out dad’s friend is an AP? Have you and he talked about when it’s okay to introduce new people?

Yes, it’s quite possible that the affair will fizzle out when the reality of life with kids hits, esp when they are not your kids. It’s also possible that she will take on the stepparent role, whether grudgingly or happily. Best you can hope for is that she is good to them, communicates with you and doesn’t throw your kids under the bus if/when she and your Stbx have kids. The less drama the kids feel, the better, even though it sucks for you.

[Anonymous]

Is your ex the hands on type or will he want her to help with activities? Is the AP living with him and does she have kids of her own? How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

Statistically, most affairs don’t last after a couple of years. So you’re not wrong to assume that the escape part of the affair, the secrecy and only knowing the best parts of each other at some point ends.

Reality has to set in for everyone. Time marches on in and the adrenaline and those new love hormones settle down. Only time will tell if they settle into a deeper friendship required to make an intimate relationship go the distance. All you can do like the PPs said is just be patient and focus on you and the kids. Let it play out how it’s going to play out and accept that it’s out of your control and you will be a lot more serene.

[Anonymous]

If your STBX is wealthy there’s a good chance she’ll play nice until she gets the ring and pops out her own kids.

[Anonymous]

People who divorce don’t care about the kids anyway,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who divorce don’t care about the kids anyway,

About time lol. I'm surprised the first divorce cop didn't blow their whistle before everyone

Enjoy your Sunday. Go for a walk. Drink fresh water. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

Hahaha I know. She is the age of most of our babysitters. I’m hoping at least one silver lining to all this is more help with the kids. He does not really engage with them so maybe she will… I just worry that ultimately she will resent them and that will show up in how she treats them. Especially since she has zero experience with what living with kids is actually like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Will the figure out dad’s friend is an AP? Have you and he talked about when it’s okay to introduce new people?

Yes, it’s quite possible that the affair will fizzle out when the reality of life with kids hits, esp when they are not your kids. It’s also possible that she will take on the stepparent role, whether grudgingly or happily. Best you can hope for is that she is good to them, communicates with you and doesn’t throw your kids under the bus if/when she and your Stbx have kids. The less drama the kids feel, the better, even though it sucks for you.

1. 8 and 5
2. I don’t think so at this age but maybe later on looking back?
3. This is one thing we are finalizing. I’m inclined to have a longer timeline when they are younger but could relax more as they become teenagers (for instance if this relationship doesn’t work out). I’m not interested in bringing another man into my family anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your ex the hands on type or will he want her to help with activities? Is the AP living with him and does she have kids of her own? How old are your children?

1. Not very hands on
2. They don’t live together yet. I don’t know if she wants kids but I’m operating as if she will.
3. Answered above - 5 and 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who divorce don’t care about the kids anyway,

Wrong the opposite

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope the kids know about the affair. I hope they have heard it from you. Talk about it being very wrong. Do not have them wondering "why" the divorce. They have an innate sense of right vs wrong and if no adult around them who they look-up to affirms right vs wrong, it can really wreak their emotional well being, being able to trust their view of reality. Obviously don't go on-and-on about it, but tell them.