AP to “Stepmom”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would sign any custody agreement that didn’t forbid partners cohabitating for many years down the road. No way.

You are in for a rude awakening if you have the misfortune of divorcing. You don't have nearly the leverage you think on issues like controlling when and how your ex cohabitates with a new partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would sign any custody agreement that didn’t forbid partners cohabitating for many years down the road. No way.

What are you going to do? Stand next to your ex’s bed and yank out his partners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would sign any custody agreement that didn’t forbid partners cohabitating for many years down the road. No way.

What are you going to do? Stand next to your ex’s bed and yank out his partners?

My question as well. Anyone who has actually been able to come up with something like this in a settlement agreement please share!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

Hahaha I know. She is the age of most of our babysitters. I’m hoping at least one silver lining to all this is more help with the kids. He does not really engage with them so maybe she will… I just worry that ultimately she will resent them and that will show up in how she treats them. Especially since she has zero experience with what living with kids is actually like.

You never know. My friend married a guy who had almost zero interaction with his kids but she tried to be present for them as much as possible. My friend married this man and they had a child together. When the child went to college, they divorced. The exH continues to have nothing to do with any of his children, but the former stepmother is still close with her stepchildren and all the siblings spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

No way. No child is ever going to love a step mother more than their actual mom, especially if mom has herself together.

A lot will come down to what your schedule is. My ex only take our child every other weekend (his choice). He does have a little girlfriend that I’m pretty sure he cheated on me with. Child usually comes home from the weekend talking about spending time with daddy’s friend, and it’s a total non issue.

[Anonymous]

have thought about this kind of thing a lot and I would try everything possible to be kind to the AP/“stepmom” and as civil as possible to your ex.
In fact, I’d have a conversation with AP where you point out that you have no issue with HER because she did not have any role in your vows, and you realize that a man can only cheat if he wants to. And you are trying to put that aside and co-parent, but that doesn’t have anything to do with her so you want to have a good relationship with her so that your kids can feel comfortable and safe when they are with her.
I’m sorry OP. This sucks so bad and the best thing for your kids is for you to get along with this woman as best you can for as long as she’s in their lives.

This is generally good advice - but I would have to leave out the part about not blaming her at all because this isn’t a zero sum game and I definitely would blame her for knowingly dating a married man. That’s just breaks the code of humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

No way. No child is ever going to love a step mother more than their actual mom, especially if mom has herself together.

A lot will come down to what your schedule is. My ex only take our child every other weekend (his choice). He does have a little girlfriend that I’m pretty sure he cheated on me with. Child usually comes home from the weekend talking about spending time with daddy’s friend, and it’s a total non issue.

Agree - but I also took this a little as tongue in cheek. You know. Disney dad with his AP wife. Of course it’s easy to not be Mom and shower them with candy and amusement parks and not worry about the long term impacts of any particular parenting philosophy (or lack thereof).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your STBX is wealthy there’s a good chance she’ll play nice until she gets the ring and pops out her own kids.

This was our experience. Very nice, fun, and all, until after the wedding. Things started to go downhill bit by bit afterwards, but once she had their baby, that was all she wrote. Fewer invites over. Nastiness on the phone or with dad out of earshot on vacation. Coincidentally, ha, moved to another state a few years later (I was in college by then and siblings in HS). Siblings' weekly visits turned into 2-3 times per year. Fully estranged before their daughter was 8. No blow ups. Just a gradual ghosting of all us first marriage kids. I didn't know the term at time, but ghosting fits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your STBX is wealthy there’s a good chance she’ll play nice until she gets the ring and pops out her own kids.

This was our experience. Very nice, fun, and all, until after the wedding. Things started to go downhill bit by bit afterwards, but once she had their baby, that was all she wrote. Fewer invites over. Nastiness on the phone or with dad out of earshot on vacation. Coincidentally, ha, moved to another state a few years later (I was in college by then and siblings in HS). Siblings' weekly visits turned into 2-3 times per year. Fully estranged before their daughter was 8. No blow ups. Just a gradual ghosting of all us first marriage kids. I didn't know the term at time, but ghosting fits.

The ghosting is on your dad, no? He's the one responsible for maintaining a relationship with you and your siblings. Some men aren't good at maintaining relationships with their adult kids. If my parents weren't still married, I'm not sure I'd see my dad much. My mom is the glue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would sign any custody agreement that didn’t forbid partners cohabitating for many years down the road. No way.

You don't have a choice. Believe me I tried. Best judge would do was give a 6 month "waiting period"
Divorce law doesn't care about morals and values and children (except documented abuse)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In fact, I’d have a conversation with AP where you point out that you have no issue with HER because she did not have any role in your vows, and you realize that a man can only cheat if he wants to. And you are trying to put that aside and co-parent, but that doesn’t have anything to do with her

Are you kidding? she slept with and stole a married man away from his family. She is an immoral whore and so is the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In fact, I’d have a conversation with AP where you point out that you have no issue with HER because she did not have any role in your vows, and you realize that a man can only cheat if he wants to. And you are trying to put that aside and co-parent, but that doesn’t have anything to do with her

Are you kidding? she slept with and stole a married man away from his family. She is an immoral whore and so is the husband.

Ugh. So true. How do you coparent with two immoral whorls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope the kids know about the affair. I hope they have heard it from you. Talk about it being very wrong. Do not have them wondering "why" the divorce. They have an innate sense of right vs wrong and if no adult around them who they look-up to affirms right vs wrong, it can really wreak their emotional well being, being able to trust their view of reality. Obviously don't go on-and-on about it, but tell them.

This is very destructive advice

DP. I don’t know about that and age is important. If old enough, the truth stated factually and briefly has got to be better than some vague explanation to cover bad choices.

[Anonymous]

"This is a really good point. Are most divorce lawyers familiar with this sort of stuff or does it require counsel from a trusts and estates type attorney as well?

I assume however there is no real structure to make the straying husband agree to this, or even if he agrees to ultimately pass on a certain set of funds or percent amount to the original children, nothing prevents him from spending large on him and new wife while still alive?"

Divorce lawyers can be great and some can suck. Best to ask around for recommendations from people who had to use one. Do not every just go with a random person.

Here is what I did:

Required a life insurance policy worth $750K (it's a universal policy with a cash value that he now no longer has to make payments on because the interest it generates covers the amount needed to keep it active) with DC as the beneficiary. That guarantees that DC gets something when his dad dies, regardless of whatever some new wife or her kids do. Life insurance policies pay out to the beneficiary regardless of what a will says.

I required language in his will granting DC some specific assets (all separate property even if he remarries).

I specified exactly how much money he put into the 529 each month until DC reached college age. I set a minimum amount that he had to provide for college even if the stock market didn't do well and the 529 tanked. All of this was in the settlement agreement.

I didn't say anything about how soon he could date, live with, or marry someone new. All I felt made sense to control was the money that my child would have access to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would sign any custody agreement that didn’t forbid partners cohabitating for many years down the road. No way.

Aww, you’re precious.