AP to “Stepmom”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has been a dad for eight years and hasn’t leaned how to grocery shop and prepare food it’s doubtful he will now. Not divorced but a girlfriend talked about the part where your daughter is a teenager and tells you that you are a frump compared to Debbie who loves pop music and TikTok videos about makeup. that would be rough.

He can have groceries delivered. Most men can do far more than women say if given the chance. He'll figure it out.

“Given the chance” lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ll love her more than you because she’s fun.

180 degrees incorrect. You sound like an AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are putting a lot of personal details out on the internet...

Oh shoot. I had assumed from all the threads on DCUM I saw on cheating there are loads of us. Is it really just 3 or 4 of us suckers and this is incredibly obvious to everyone who I am?

Also got blindsided. I always feel like surely someone will know it’s me, so I scramble some details. But since it’s anonymous, I feel super safe saying your STBX is a POS. I’m sorry you’ve got a similar story. It completely sucks. I just hope AP/stepmom will be nice to your kids, because that’s what I hope for my kids.

[Anonymous]

How do you

“Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love" ??

I’m puzzled by this advice. Sooo many women post about cheating husbands. Did we all fundamentally pick bad husbands? I picked a man with an MDiv. Never ever would have thought he’d blow up our family for an AP.

Anonymous wrote:I have minimized the AP in my mind so that she has nothing to do with my marriage or my divorce. She's just a symptom who is inheriting a person who is so damaged I almost feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what's coming. I'm sorry you have young children involved. Mine are older but it was still so painful to realize that she would inevitably become part of their lives. If you can reframe your perspective on her it might help. Their relationship might blow up or it might last for the rest of their lives so planning for her to be a part of your kids' lives is probably prudent.

I would focus on working on yourself so you can be the stable parent. Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love". Give yourself a lot of grace. The stronger you are, the better a mom you can be.

I'm no longer focused on why my ex behaved as he did (and continues to behave). It doesn't matter. I have better insight into why I was drawn to a person like that. What my ex does and who he does it with isn't my concern. It's probably more helpful not to villainize her if she is going to be around your children. Try to neutralize her. I'm in your corner and I'm sorry. I don't think any of us wanted to be in this club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who divorce don’t care about the kids anyway,

Let me correct you
Cheaters who leave for their AP don’t care about the kids anyway

BS.

Nope, this is true. They're mentally ill and mostly a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

The main thing is to lock down college funding in the divorce settlement, in case he has more kids.

But the previous posters are correct. Relationships with age gaps of 10+ years are statistically less likely to last.

[Anonymous]

PROTECT ASSETS for your children!!!

My friend just divorced wife 2 (who never worked while married and had no kids with him.) Wife 1 (mom of his only kids) failed to do this. In divorce 2, wife 2 took half of his assets and got alimony for 7 years of about 1/3 his gross income. Any inheritance he'd have given to his kids is now gone. Had he put his assets in a trust for them before his 2nd marriage, or required assets like life insurance and 401k to go to his kids in the settlement, he could have left them something. Assume your husband will be an idiot and hand everything over to the AP and any kids he has with her, to your children's detriment, and draft the settlement accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you

“Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love" ??

I’m puzzled by this advice. Sooo many women post about cheating husbands. Did we all fundamentally pick bad husbands? I picked a man with an MDiv. Never ever would have thought he’d blow up our family for an AP.

Anonymous wrote:I have minimized the AP in my mind so that she has nothing to do with my marriage or my divorce. She's just a symptom who is inheriting a person who is so damaged I almost feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what's coming. I'm sorry you have young children involved. Mine are older but it was still so painful to realize that she would inevitably become part of their lives. If you can reframe your perspective on her it might help. Their relationship might blow up or it might last for the rest of their lives so planning for her to be a part of your kids' lives is probably prudent.

I would focus on working on yourself so you can be the stable parent. Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love". Give yourself a lot of grace. The stronger you are, the better a mom you can be.

I'm no longer focused on why my ex behaved as he did (and continues to behave). It doesn't matter. I have better insight into why I was drawn to a person like that. What my ex does and who he does it with isn't my concern. It's probably more helpful not to villainize her if she is going to be around your children. Try to neutralize her. I'm in your corner and I'm sorry. I don't think any of us wanted to be in this club.

Well yeah, in my case my picker has been broken in every relationship but one (not this one) . I was already in therapy trying to figure out my life when everything blew up. I have had to take a really hard look at patterns in my life. My marriage was a continuation of life long patterns. I'm not mad at myself - I'm glad I'm able to see some things about myself that I was never able to face til recently. My ex is a nightmare but that actually has nothing to do with how I got to this place. I chose to be with someone like him. Our marriage blew up when I was finally ready to start confronting things about myself and changing things about myself. I don't speak for everyone. This is what works for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It probley won't work out when real life comes into play. Hopefully she will be nice to your children. You can't control what they do but try to keeps things civil with your ex. They have a big adjustment period.

I know it's very painful but you will turn out fine.

I have thought about this kind of thing a lot and I would try everything possible to be kind to the AP/“stepmom” and as civil as possible to your ex.
In fact, I’d have a conversation with AP where you point out that you have no issue with HER because she did not have any role in your vows, and you realize that a man can only cheat if he wants to. And you are trying to put that aside and co-parent, but that doesn’t have anything to do with her so you want to have a good relationship with her so that your kids can feel comfortable and safe when they are with her.
I’m sorry OP. This sucks so bad and the best thing for your kids is for you to get along with this woman as best you can for as long as she’s in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PROTECT ASSETS for your children!!!

My friend just divorced wife 2 (who never worked while married and had no kids with him.) Wife 1 (mom of his only kids) failed to do this. In divorce 2, wife 2 took half of his assets and got alimony for 7 years of about 1/3 his gross income. Any inheritance he'd have given to his kids is now gone. Had he put his assets in a trust for them before his 2nd marriage, or required assets like life insurance and 401k to go to his kids in the settlement, he could have left them something. Assume your husband will be an idiot and hand everything over to the AP and any kids he has with her, to your children's detriment, and draft the settlement accordingly.

This is a really good point. Are most divorce lawyers familiar with this sort of stuff or does it require counsel from a trusts and estates type attorney as well?

I assume however there is no real structure to make the straying husband agree to this, or even if he agrees to ultimately pass on a certain set of funds or percent amount to the original children, nothing prevents him from spending large on him and new wife while still alive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you

“Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love" ??

I’m puzzled by this advice. Sooo many women post about cheating husbands. Did we all fundamentally pick bad husbands? I picked a man with an MDiv. Never ever would have thought he’d blow up our family for an AP.

OP here and I had the same question. But one thing I did learn from reading DCUM over the years is even if you think you picked really well prepare for the possibility that you didn't or that one day your spouse will do something/become someone you never predicted. I made certain conservative choices in my life even though I never thought I would need them, just as a type of insurance. DCUM turned out to be right.

Anonymous wrote:I have minimized the AP in my mind so that she has nothing to do with my marriage or my divorce. She's just a symptom who is inheriting a person who is so damaged I almost feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what's coming. I'm sorry you have young children involved. Mine are older but it was still so painful to realize that she would inevitably become part of their lives. If you can reframe your perspective on her it might help. Their relationship might blow up or it might last for the rest of their lives so planning for her to be a part of your kids' lives is probably prudent.

I would focus on working on yourself so you can be the stable parent. Work on understanding yourself so that you can see how you ended up with the kind of person who walks out on his family for another woman because he's "in love". Give yourself a lot of grace. The stronger you are, the better a mom you can be.

I'm no longer focused on why my ex behaved as he did (and continues to behave). It doesn't matter. I have better insight into why I was drawn to a person like that. What my ex does and who he does it with isn't my concern. It's probably more helpful not to villainize her if she is going to be around your children. Try to neutralize her. I'm in your corner and I'm sorry. I don't think any of us wanted to be in this club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It probley won't work out when real life comes into play. Hopefully she will be nice to your children. You can't control what they do but try to keeps things civil with your ex. They have a big adjustment period.

I know it's very painful but you will turn out fine.

I have thought about this kind of thing a lot and I would try everything possible to be kind to the AP/“stepmom” and as civil as possible to your ex.
In fact, I’d have a conversation with AP where you point out that you have no issue with HER because she did not have any role in your vows, and you realize that a man can only cheat if he wants to. And you are trying to put that aside and co-parent, but that doesn’t have anything to do with her so you want to have a good relationship with her so that your kids can feel comfortable and safe when they are with her.
I’m sorry OP. This sucks so bad and the best thing for your kids is for you to get along with this woman as best you can for as long as she’s in their lives.

OP here, and listening. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PROTECT ASSETS for your children!!!

My friend just divorced wife 2 (who never worked while married and had no kids with him.) Wife 1 (mom of his only kids) failed to do this. In divorce 2, wife 2 took half of his assets and got alimony for 7 years of about 1/3 his gross income. Any inheritance he'd have given to his kids is now gone. Had he put his assets in a trust for them before his 2nd marriage, or required assets like life insurance and 401k to go to his kids in the settlement, he could have left them something. Assume your husband will be an idiot and hand everything over to the AP and any kids he has with her, to your children's detriment, and draft the settlement accordingly.

Why would he agree to restrictions like putting assets in a trust, requiring life insurance after a certain age, or giving 401k to the kids? It's a nice ask, but I don't imagine a divorcing party will agree to restrictions that aren't otherwise required.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would sign any custody agreement that didn’t forbid partners cohabitating for many years down the road. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As hard as it will be embrace her for your kids sake .

Try and communicate with him and her .
I know people in this board hate the stepmom blah blah blah however the kids are the priority

You argue with her you lose

You don’t have to be best friends but anger doesn’t hep your kids

Now if she’s actively hurting your kids then by all means crush her but if she’s actively trying in a good way then best for the kids is getting along gracefully.

Absolutely not! Not if it's the AP. It is a lie to the children. What message do they get when parents act like Adultery and leaving your family for the AP is fine?!? If you are at all religious, it is a huge sin and breaks 3 commandments. Way to gaslight a child and make them distrust everything they believe in. No. You speak truth to children, Dad broke his marriage vows and family commitments.